Its OK I know I'm odd

Sazzie23

Thanks folks. Am going in to work tomorrow (now today) to see about getting back, if I can hold it together - oh and my boss is lovely btw- then I might give it a try.

Have lots of mixed feelings about am I genuinely grieving, since his family didn't think we were together any more, but in the end figured out that since I thought we were then I'm entitled (wrong word) justified maybe better feeling as I do.

Have the form for single person council tax, asks 'when did the person move out...forwarding address ' bit awkward just wrote deceased and date. It'll make about £25 difference, which is more than a weeks shopping so will be useful and worth the pain of phoning up and filling the form in.

Have to face the breakdown insurance tomorrow, think I can do it, it's just the one thing he always did as that was his area of employment. I know what I'm going ask for and I'm just going to say I'm in a hurry and I'll check the paperwork when it arrives.

So many things, & I have lists and plans but some days I can't seem to get going. Tried clothes on as potential funeral attire, think I've come up with something that fits but giving it a wash and will ask mates for advice on suitability, could do without having to spend but no way am I turning up at funeral looking cheap.

Have made a list of priority spends, breakdown cover is one as my car is 12 years old, fire is another as our gas fire is in need of repair but I think it'd be better to replace. It needed doing before but I couldn't risk the gas man, what's the word, oh yes, condemning it, whilst OH sick, no risk of carbon monoxide poisoning alarm is hard wired in same room. Car tyres also need attention, and think microwave needs replacing, so fairly big spends all in all, and I'm heading into emergency fund for survival as it is. It'll al just have to wait until back at work and then plan how to progress.

Trying to get a sleep at a decent time so better sigN off

Dansmam

Morning Sazzie, just stumbled on your diary. So sorry you've been through so much, and just wanted to say been somewhere similar and it took time to realise that, whatever the `official` relationship was at the end, losing someone you've been close to at any time takes some grieving - so that bits definitely not odd at all , and at some point you'll be comforted that you were there for him when he needed you to care. Glad work are being kind - wishing you a happy day x

Sazzie23

Thanks Dansmam, I've searched quite a few internet sites and it still feels like I'm the only person this has happened to, but I'm sure I can't be.

If anyone else reading this been in a similar situation (think last tango in Halifax) then you have my sympathies and I hope you are finding ways to get through it.

Went to see Boss, who didn't think was ready to come back to work, and much as I need the money, I actually agree. I wanted to walk in there with my plan for return, but I just couldn't get it together and I think that just proves I'm not ready yet. Unfortunately, in this instance,my job requires a certain level of concentration and sharpness and I woollens be able to gimp be that, even though the automated part of the job would be do-able. As we are so short staffed, I just wouldn't be able to work without being interpreted for advice and I just don't think I'd do it.

So back to Dr for another sick note, sobbed on Doc, first time I've seen him since the final event, although I spoke to him that day, I didn't need to see him. Didn't expect to cry but as soon as I saw him I broke down and even think of it makes me teary now. Strangely exhausted when I got back, realised I needed to get to bed and dropped off for an hour, but of course am awake now!

So money, what, to do, think I will ring mortgage and secured loan, ask if they will give me a payment holiday of some sort, that might give me enough to live on, and then drop DMP payments after that if I have to.

Grateful that I have such a supportive boss and Doc, and that I have some means of a plan to manage financially.

Also grateful for my amazing friend who contact me everyday just to make sure I'm not sitting in the wardrobe or fallen down the stairs etc.

And as always grateful got the MSE thread and for having the means to post here.

Sazzie23

Here is my story in brief for Paige's aunt who I noticed on the forums.

I lived with my OH for 30 years, for at least 15 of them I know he was having an affair, but I always stuck with him as 13 years ago he tried to commit suicide, and was saved because of something I did. After that I always felt responsible for him, and I also stayed because of our debts.

I decided it was OK because he always came back, yes I know now it was daft, but I can't change what has gone.

In 2012 he was diagnosed with cancer and he had treatment, I had to tolerate his girlfriend (although he always said she was just a good friend!) visiting him in hospital etc. Apparently he told her a similar tale about me.
In the following 18 months or so he left me to live with her 3 times at least, but always came back, always unannounced and often at 4 am etc. He got sicker and sicker and i knew I just could not,live with myself if I cut him off, he couldn't cope with getting his medication or eating routines sorted, and the girlfriend,couldn't seem to help, I don't know why she seems capable enough but everytime he went there, he got sick and then came back and I sorted him out again and he went there again, etc etc.

So finally he is so ill that he needs caring for full time and he says he wants to come home (to me- I checked 3 times in case I got it wrong) so I took time from work and cared for him until he passed away 2 weeks ago. I had to put up with the girlfriend visiting him at our home, PDAs etc and even now she will be the grieving widow at the funeral, and who am I ? I have no idea .

You don't ever want to be in this position. If you recognise any of this, cut your ties now, your debts can be sorted (I wish I knew this 10 years ago) and get yourself a new life. Don't waste your time on someone who takes your heart and smashes it up, stamps on it and wrings it out. I am left with old clothes and memories, some good, because actually we liked each other and got along OK, I just didn't give him some of the attention he wanted so he went elsewhere. Fortunately I always kept the house in my name so when I'm mortgage free, it'll be all mine.

kittycatfan

Read all your thread it made me cry , im such a softy but seriously your doing well after all youve been thriugh , will subscribe

Sazzie23

It's all a bit pants, but I have take responsibility for getting myself here and then getting myself back out of it.

Someone said to me - you'll be glad to get back to normal soon, - but I have no idea what normal is any more. Trying to create myself a new normal but doing it slowly.

Am especially not liking the lack of human contact but hopefully this gets better when I go back to work. I've kept my friends at arms length for a long time so they didn't get involved in the triangle I lived in, they are very supportive but it's always been me going to them, I'm hoping when I get the house organised they get used to coming to see me again, but it's been a long time.

This is not a life path I'd ever suggest for anyone, but we did have some good times, I just don't know now whether they were real or not.

Sazzie23

Ok so I called the secured loan people who agreed to not take the direct debit on 1st which gives me breathing space, but told me to contact SC as the secured loan debt should take priority. The secured loan also did an I&e review which said I was £520 minus, which is clearly a problem. (And there is stuff I didn't include).

So I contacted SC by electronic as I'm finding it really hard on the phone and keep getting tearful, but the said I need to ring them....so today I'm going to give it a try, but it's really hard to keep telling people, it's bad enough talking about the debt, without the recent circs, and you always get this awful pause when you tell them. I'm hoping writing about it her will get the tears out of my system and I'm really going to try to do it.

I have to confess to staying in bed this morning, it's comfy on my back, it's cheaper as I don't need the heating on, and I have a cold, so I'm justifying it on those grounds. But I am hoping to get up and try to give the a call, once I'm showered and coffeed.

Went into work yesterday, which was a bit tough and I was quite tearful, but the people I work with are lovely and had many offers to come to the funeral if I needed, to support m'my side', I declined as there are already a lot on the Sazzie team, not that we are giving to be divisive. No reason for anyone to be any less important. It will be tough but you have to be strong at these type of things, and then it will be over and I can try to find something normal for me.

Sazzie23

Thought I should update, the day I made the post above, I went to shower and when I came out, preparing to make the call, I found I had a voicemail from SC and an email advising me what the options were with reducing payment. So i'm reducing to minimum payment of £5 per creditor this month which will allow me not to use all my savings.

I plan to notify the creditors near to payment date.

I spoke to secured joint loan people, the lady was wonderful, and has applied for an interest freeze for a couple of months while i get back to normal income, of course someone else has to authorise it, but I was in no state to ask, and she offered it as a possible option without prompting which was just amazing (and made me cry - doh).

So working on getting Secured loan and SC proof of current circs over the weekend. Its hard to keep driving myself on and had another spell under the duvet this morning, but did drag myself out of bed and had a walk. Concsious of the funeral getting closer, be glad when its over I think, but it might be one of those things that makes it worse, you never know how it will affect you. Keep telling myself not to feel sorry for myself and get on with things, all my friends say, oh it takes time and all that, but I'm fed up being miserable and some days no one calls to see how I am, so if I don't buck up, no one is going to do it for me!

Sazzie23

Haven't posted for a while, back been playing up which makes it uncomfortable to sit for a long in a position to type much, is slightly better at the mo. Also was trying not to wallow, as I felt it wasn't helping.

Think i've stopped wallowing, but somehow still feel a bit guilty about dissolving into such an emotional (and financial mess). i'm the ice maiden, that always copes, dunno what happened, still shocked that I couldnt just carry on. I have said for years, I can't cry, because if I start, I'll feel like I'll never stop, and that is sort of what happened. I don't cry all the time, but i do cry alot.

Recently accidently found myself in what was a marginally stressful situation at work, what happen was I got shirty with people about it, made a hash of it, and when no one was looking had a cry, that is so not me.....but it is at the moment.

Am making a bit of progress, I've bought an exercise bike (cheaper than the gym and more accessible) so that I can try to do a bit of exercise and hopefully get a bit fitter, and exercise is supposed to be good emotionally too so lets see if that helps.

Have written out a detailed food budget, which shows I'm very borderline and affordability, so that will have to be changed on the next review. Am down to minimum payments on the DMP, which puts the DFD about 22 years away, but am hopeful once I get back on the out of hours rota and overtime is a possibility again that I'll get back on track. The DMP is still in my focus so all is not lost.

Here is my food budget if anyone is interested

Milk 1.3 0.89 1.157
tea 0.5 1.1 0.55
Coffee 0.25 5 1.25
Soya spread 0.33 1.5 0.495
Sugqr 0.25 0.8 0.2
Bread 1.1 1.4 1.54

Crisps 1.2 1.2 1.44
Bread rolls 1.1 1 1.1
Orange juice 1.2 1 1.2
Meat filling 1.25 2 2.5

Meals 9 0.75 6.75
One special 0.75 2.5 1.875
Veg broc cauli 0.5 1 0.5
Extra onion ring etc 0.25 1 0.25
Stores rice salt oil guess 3

Tinned peach 2.8 0.35 0.98
Other fruit 1 0.8 0.8

Choc bics 0.75 0.9 0.675
Crackers 0.5 0.75 0.375
Teacake 1 1 1
Custard reams etc 1.8 0.4 0.72
Picnic/twix etc 2 1.25 2.5
Jelly sweets 2 1 2
32.857

Cucumber 2 0.6 1.2
Spinach 1.3 1.5 1.95
Carrots 0.5 0.9 0.45
Peppers 1 1 1
Broc/celery 1 0.5 0.5

5.1

Total 37.957 161.31725

First figure is the amount I use, 2nd is the approx cost (mid range) of the item, so I use approx 1.3 soya milk cartons a week, and the cost is approx 89p each. Obviously sometimes I can cut costs by using less or buying cheaper. The veg at the bottom is guinea pig food. The key there is to keep the waste down, so don't buy too much too soon as it goes off. Also look out for the discounted stuff in supermarket/markets.

So onwards and upwards. I'd like to write a short book about my experiences but don't know how to start

in_need_of_direction

Hello, I stumbled across your diary today and am hooked. I think you are being far too demanding of yourself and need to ease up on yourself. Irregardless of what anyone else thinks, you did what you knew was right for you and the semi ex OH and I think that was great. I am totally in awe of this. I'm glad you have a supportive boss and good friends around you. Just try and make things as easy on yourself as you can.

Hope you don't mind me subscribing and chipping in my tuppence worth. Take care