Its OK I know I'm odd

Sazzie23

Oh how bad am I, this I supposed to be an everyday journey, but some days I've just been soooo tired or sooo busy to do it. However I do think about being grateful each day so I'm not too bad.:eek:

In the last few days I can say that I'm grateful I have an excellent boss who is giving me flexibility to sort out some home issues

I'm grateful I have learned the knowledge that gives me additional skills to sort out some of these home issues, and that I know people who are willing to help me resolving these issues.

I am grateful that I have learned patience and tenacity which helps me both with my budgeting and my home issues. I'm grateful I have learned to 'turn the other cheek' in some issues, even though it's blimmin' hard. I'm grateful that I have some idea of which issues to fight for and which ones to let go, and I'm grateful that I understand some issue that are not important to me today, may be important in the future and I might need to revisit them.

I'm grateful that I lead a legitimate lifestyle and not one where I'm constantly battling with artificial stimulants of any sort.

I'm grateful that I can enjoy the simple thinks in life - like gardening - walking - pets and friends.

Ok penance done for today :T

Sazzie23

I haven't forgotton to post, I've either been very tired or hungry as due to family illness I've had to spend a lot of time visiting at hospital.

i have been struggling a bit with grateful thoughts but as my car broke down on Christmas eve eve:eek:, I ought to post that I am grateful the Ex OH - also known as the non-paying lodger - does pay for breakdown cover and I am also exceedingly grateful that they answered straight away and a lovely man in a big yellow van appeared in less than 5 mins. Can't beat service like that.:T

I am grateful he managed to fix it at no cost, however we are not really sure what the problem is but I'm grateful that so far it has not re-occurred:j:j

This next one is a bit negative but I'm trying to turn it a positive, I buy presents for the ExOH's children and grandchildren, I have felt some pretty negative vibes from them lately and I had decided not to push myself and only to give them what I had bought already. Then I thought I should be ashamed of myself for being petty and get over it so I bought a few more bits. However yesterday I was very dissappointed to find they had gone behind my back:mad: and completely and deliberately excluded me about something very sad and important, the worst bit being they upset the ExOH by doing this because he realised this and it made him cry. I have tried to be big and magnaminous about this to the ExOH (he is really sick and I don't want him upset) but writing about here is making me sob. We still live together (30 years in 2015) if you wonder why I'm bothered about him.

So anyway to turn it around, I'm grateful I realised how they really feel about me and that I no longer have to feel guilty about buying crap pressies. I will give the grandchildren all I've bought but I will keep back anything I can use elsewhere from the grown-ups presents. I hope I've learned my lesson that you cant buy loyalty. (Edit : and nor should you be able to buy loyalty, what i meant was more complex in that they take my gifts and yet don't seem to be able to accept me, I am who I am, clearly that's not enough). I think I've also learnt to trust my instincts maybe ?

I am as always grateful to the lovely NHS staff who are caring for the exOH, especially to the nurse today :A who got the job of explaining to me where ExOH's illness is really going. I am also grateful to my boss who has made me take time off to try to get myself back to a position where I'm not a complete wreck (I wake early every day).

Today I am going to be grateful that I have friends who have bought me pressies, and are kind enough to send me cards and messages of goodwill and support even though they think I'm mad and should let ExOH sort his own mess out. I am grateful I have many offers of Christmas lunch, which I won't be taking up because I'm grateful I am happy to spend time on my own pottering about until visiting time. I am grateful that I have work friends I can visit locally when the family come to spend time with the exOH. And despite everything I'm grateful they come to see him, because its important to him. and finally in this massive post, well done if you managed to read this far, I'm grateful today is a non-spending day. :money:

Sazzie23

Oh lummy new depths of carpness reached today. And I've never been a fan of Christmas. I'm not going to go on about it because it sounds like something off Jeremy K or The East End show !

However I am grateful that today was a lovely day from the weather point of view, that somehow I managed to survive today and that there was still a parking place left when I got home tonight.

Sazzie23

Not been very good at posting since the horrors of Christmas.
However I do look for gratefulness every day.
It would be better if I recorded it, but the its progress not perfection as DA keeps reminding me.

I am grateful to my DA chums who remind me of the need for gratefulness.

I am also grateful this current state or personal issues will not go on forever, and I'm grateful I have an exit plan (doesn't involve me being hurt any way).. I'm grateful I have been able to forward plan - even if some of it is only in my mind, but this gives me a bit of peace of mind.

I'm grateful for having been on the forums for a while and understanding how to make -£0.00p go a long, long way :-) It makes me feel better than I can survive from the kitchen cupboards. A control thing I guess.

I'm grateful for the support from my real friends and family, my brother even offered me money, bless him.

I'm grateful having some time off work has cut my fuel expenses, and I'm going to try to fill up while its cheap!

I'm grateful my parents taught me tenacity, patience and being able to turn the other cheek.

Sazzie23

Have come crawling back here to try to regain my sanity I don't know what to do with myself. The ex OH none paying lodger I've been caring for at home finally passed away yesterday. Expected but not if you see what I mean. I have to confess to being absolutely devastated, all the more of a surprise really as I thought 'I do fine without you mate!'.

At least I was able to care for him as best I could, and financially I should be able to get back to where I was in a few months I think. Although I'm extremely lucky to have been paid by work I wasn't getting any shift pay or overtime and therefore it's cost me several hundred pounds a month as I had to drop my hours more and more util finally giving up.

As I've mentioned elsewhere I was not the only love of his life, and that's a hard place to sit, I don't think I was second best, just different. And when it came to being looked after, it was his choice to come home to me. There was no pressure from me, and I was probably the most surprised that was what he wanted.

His family weren't over keen on the idea as the house is a bit run down and I'm defo not housewife of the year, but I can be very grateful that they managed to see over that and still came to visit. Putting up with the other one was a challenge too and I'm grateful I found the strength from somewhere. Though I have to confess I wasn't always gracious.

Now where to from here, I feel lost and alone and although I'm grateful for the fantastic friends I have, there is a big gap in y life in lots of ways at the moment. I don't know what is best, for example I started watching some soaps on tv because that was what he liked, do I still watch them because it's some co for or stop because I don't really enjoy them....dunn..still too raw I guess.

I can also say I'm very grateful for the MSE forums which have given me stuff to keep interested and at the same time not invasive into my life. I have posted on the DMP thread about my loss, And it's very kind to get comments of support, not her thig to be grateful for.

I'm grateful the postman came this morning because I had run out of my usual facecream and the back up makes my skin sting.

I am grateful his family have allowed me to be part of the funeral planning process and have made every effort to support me. I don't think I supported them well, but that's a difficult line to cross.

I think I thought - not great English - that because we had been more friends than a couple in recent years, I would just sort of wake up tomorrow and clear his things and that would be ok. In fact I feel isolated, alone and utterly devasted. Despite all that we went through, he was my best friend, that person you do nothing with. One day I'll be grateful I could say that, but not today.

I'm shifting from hurt to scared and back again and I'm grateful I can record this here as maybe it will help me in the future.

January2015

Hi Sazzie

What an amazingly honest and open post at such a difficult time for you. I really do feel for you. The house must feel so empty now - regardless of any relationship issues you may have had with your OH. No matter what there will always be a gap in your life that OH once filled, but with time you learn to fill that gap with other things and pleasant memories of the good times.

Clearly you are strong and brave person and you will get through this difficult time. As I said on the DMP support thread - I'm thinking of you, wishing you well now and into the future -x-

Sazzie23

Ok so it's nearly 5am and I'm here and not asleep, so it's no exactly a good sign but I, trying to come to terms with everything and it's quite tough. I went shopping this weekend, only a walking shop, I feel grateful that I have learnt that throwing money at stuff is not always necessary. In the past I if I felt down like this,I would have bought all sorts of stuff, choc cake, ice creams, etc not to mention magazines and flowers. It's not actually an option now financially but I can see that I don't need it anyway, I would like it, but I don't need it. Bit gutted no one has sent me flowers, I might buy myself a cheap bunch now valentines is over.

Emotionally still all over the place, the other one came to see me this week, I have no idea why, and I invited her in for tea, because I'm like that ! Spent the whole 40 mins thinking omg how long are you going to stay lol.

My friend describes it as being inside a bizarre cartoon, and that's how it feels. Anyway back to money saving. So I shopped for £10.70 when my budget was £15 I thought pretty good! although I realise I've been fed by quite a few friend this week so it's not a real week.

Grateful too for the lovely comments of support on the threads, I know they don't know all the circs, but it's nice folk are bothered.

Because of the circs am sort of sidelined for arrangements but have been included by the family member organising, I.e she checks I'm ok with this or that, which is better than nothing I think. Some of the stuff I'm not OK with, but it's not actually important is it? So I keep quiet.

Went to a garage today to use my free car wash token, think it only got washed not a top wash like the voucher said, will I complain in the morning, I don't know, maybe ?

Checked the spreadsheets and discovered am now 40% paid off DMP, how fab is that ? Just worrying how much I'm going to get paid off though now...but they can't have what I haven't got, etc etc

Thinking of car booting some of the ex's stuff, like the ties, belts and jumpers, don't know how much it would raise, perhaps need to wander around a few to decide if worth it. Seems a bit !!!!!ish but what is the difference to a charity shop selling it? Pondering on this, will have to pack it up and then decide. Have some motorbike gear to shift as well and some cycle kit I can't fit into. Am keeping his pjs to wear on hols or if I had to go to hosp since they fit ok, he'd lost so much weight and I put it on!

Feel sad because can't many photos, think we'd got so cross with each other in the last few years I stopped taking them and we never really went anywhere as he put his spare time to the other one, shame though as we did support each other in finding new jobs, pets passing away, etc. oh totally carp am going to get soppy again. Worried about going back to work and not coping, I've never cried at work and I don't want to start now. Also feel concerned as job requires a certain level,of concentration, not sure I can give it..but I have to get that money rolling in again or I'll be in debt forever and I defo don't want that. Motivation then to get a paracetamol and try to sleep, so signing off.

stepuptothepl8

Didn't want to read and run. I am sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself x

Scottishmummy

{{{Hugs}}}

January2015

{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}} from me too. Stay strong lovely lady -x-