Sister wants a loan!! What to do?

NekoZombie

missylou wrote: »

Hi,

I can relate in a way to how you feel, (having a sister sinking under her own personal debt mountain).

Initial instinct as a sibling is to protect her and make it all better, (even if that means leaving self broke to pay her bills!) so that she can be happy and move on with her life. Most people with brothers and sisters will probably fully relate to this.

However I was advised by a poster on this board not to do this, as this hurt her more long term as it will stop her having to face up to her situation and learning to cope financially.

Much as I may not have liked hearing this at the time, I have thought it through and realise that this is the best thing I could do for her long term.

So has this strategy affected your relationship in anyway?

SittinInATree

Wow thats hard. I would say no, though. Tell her money is tight if you have to. If she knows you are loaded (if you are, lol) tell her you put all extra funds towards savings this money or something. I would be !!!!ed if she spend that much on a stupid bag and owed me and my granny a ton of dough.

missylou_2

Not sure yet to be honest, am still trying to get her to acknowledge that these are her debts, she owes this money, and she has to deal with it.

Had a long talk outlining the fact that I love her and care for her and will do anything to help that I can, just not financially as I cannot jeopardise my own family's security.

Am still trying to push her in the direction of CCCS and the likes so that she can make properly informed decisions about taking control of the situation.

She is still to an extent behaving like this is really not happening to her, and if she shuts her eyes it will all go away.

Only time will tell if it has any impact on our relationship, just hope that family loyalty proves a stronger bond than any potential resentment this situation may cause.

irnbru_2

NekoZombie wrote: »

she is taking back a top she bought for £50 though.

£200 - £50 = £150.

NekoZombie

no - she owes the landlord £250. I wouldn't be surprised if she's been round all her friends asking for the odd twenty quid here and there....

climbgirl

There's no way I'd give her the money! It sounds like your gran has realised some tough love is in order here, it's really the only way to make her see sense. As long as people keep bailing her out, she doesn't have to face up to her money problems.

You asked how to show her some home truths - well this is how you do it. By saying "no, I'm not lending you any money when you have no intention of paying it back and when you run around buying designer gear instead of paying rent and paying back your gran." Then show her some debt websites like this one and national debtline, try and teach her as best you can.

It's irresponsible behaviour and she has to learn to manage her money better. The only way she will learn this is when all her backup sources dry up and she's forced to confront her reckless spending.

My dad bailed out my sister like this for years and years and years. The only thing it did was build a whole world of resentment from the rest of us who were actually acting like grownups. She didn't change a thing until he cut her off and she was forced to deal with it. It's the only way she learned.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. She has to want to do this herself and the only way she'll face up to it is when she has no other options open to her. Try and teach her as much as you can, show her these websites and maybe something will sink in. But for goodness sake, don't give her any more money! I know it feels like you're helping but you're only doing more damage.

Sharifa_2

NekoZombie wrote: »

Her boyfriend is *very* well off

She can ask him for a loan then.

misspoppy

irnbru wrote: »

£200 - £50 = £150.

good point

will she be staying in this weekend eating beans on toast? Hmm I wonder?

climbgirl

NekoZombie wrote: »

no - she owes the landlord £250. I wouldn't be surprised if she's been round all her friends asking for the odd twenty quid here and there....

my sister used to try that trick, borrowed off everyone she knew. They'd start ringing my parents when she didn't pay them back. Pretty good way to kill off your friendships in a hurry...

seriously, the only way she seems likely to face up to this is when she has nobody left to borrow from - family, banks or friends. I know it's difficult to see someone you love in trouble but you are only prolonging this by giving her more money. Tell her you love her, you'll support her, give here debt charity numbers, teach her as much as you can. But don't give her more money. You're just reinforcing her behaviour by doing that, she has no incentive to stop. It's quite similar to drug and alcohol addictions in that sense - if she was an alcoholic would you keep supplying her with booze?

NekoZombie

climbgirl wrote: »

if she was an alcoholic would you keep supplying her with booze?

Good point - deffo wouldn't. I can see she has an addiction (hell, I had it too, but became too embarrassed to ask for any more money). I'm getting the impression she owes more than she's admitting to, cause despite telling her I'd loan her the cash she still hasn't come over to get it. I just spoke to her and asked what was going on and she replied ' oh, don't ask....'