Ex sent to prison and wants his wife to continue with our contact order!

GeorgiaXo

duchy wrote: »

I do think many women find it hard to accept that another woman can "mother" their child even if it is only during access weekends- especially if they feel the step mother has "replaced" them -I think the OP mentioned she was single for quite a while after he moved on with his new relationship. I also think many women feel that they get to do the "hard" parenting whilst the Dad gets all the good bits at weekends -and is the "fun parent" and if there is already unhappiness it fuels bitterness.

The drug conviction would raise doubts with many parents. My ex is a good Dad (a rubbish partner as his subsequent girlfriends also discovered however) but if he had been stupid enough to get involved in the kind of scenario the OP described I'd have gone ballistic and wouldn't have allowed my son into his home environment without some pretty good proof that whatever had left him (and his family) vulnerable to whatever influences were at play no longer existed.

My protective instincts over my son would outweigh anything else .

One thing I noticed is that the OP used the expression that he ordered his wife to be his proxy with regard to access - and this latest post above says that he also "told" his ex wife to meet the new wife. This sounds awfully controlling -and a bit at odds with the frightened man forced to carry drugs scenario. If my ex had tried to "order" me to meet his new partner he'd have got told where to get off . He has the right to ask but I have no longer any wifely duty to obey just because he wants it that way. There is no need for a mother and step mother to meet- a father is more than capable of handling pick ups and drop offs and any communication required. It is unfortunate that this man has put himself in a situation which means he is unable to fufill this responsibility -and presumably also puts the current level of access at risk if the mother chooses to go back to court and asks say for supervised access because of the drug conviction. I also cannot imagine why a father would WANT to subject a child to prison visits might be nice for Dad but pretty hard on the child.

With all this ordering and telling I'm wondering if the Dad is a bit on the controlling side and the OP is perhaps reacting by not saying "How high" when he says "jump" simply because now she's divorced-she can. I don't think it has got much to do with not eventually meeting the second wife but more about not doing it because he is demanding she does.

Maybe with him not trying or able to pull their strings this might be a chance for both women to meet on their own terms rather than his though.

My Husband is the most aid back individual iv ever met and I'm sure even liz would vouch that! His not controlling at all, it's not a case of him ordering me to do things it's that we have had a very long and hard battle with liz to get access, we had to go to court where the judge told liz to put herself in his shoes and be acordent and allow extra time for family holidays etc.

Liz has spent 3 years running me down so yes your right there is no need to meet but I'm at my wits end and have no other solution. Why should I live my life where I'm constantly slagged off and not accepted I deserve a chance to present myself and have my say

duchy

I honestly don't see what would be gained by a forced first meeting.
If no-one had tried to force the issue then maybe in time it would have occurred naturally and through circumstance-but it seems to have turned into a huge power game that no-one is going to win.

Who do you deserve to have your say with ? Not Liz-access issues are a matter between parents -you don't have a say. They do- he is their child. Part and package of the step-parent role - all the stress none of the kudos I'm afraid. You get your say with your husband and obviously he may consider your views but ultimately that is where the line is drawn and maybe why this insistance on access by proxy sounds so wrong. It is interesting though that you talk about Liz and your husband and their wants or demands but never mention the child and actually YOU wanting to see him and why.You appear more fixated on meeting him Mum !

If your husband is as laid back as you claim maybe the power struggle is actually between the two women ?

Why as a matter of interest would it be good for a child to see his Dad in prison ? As I said earlier surely letters and phonecalls could work- and not have to even tell him.

FBaby

I do think many women find it hard to accept that another woman can "mother" their child even if it is only during access weekends-

I think this sums it perfectly. I would put myself in there too. Being the parent with care, you feel like you hold most of the responsibility for making sure you are bringing your children the best you can. Give me one parent with care who doesn't at time wonder whether they are doing the right thing, not worried that they will be judged the one time they shout at their kid because they are their wits end, who doesn't feel they are being judge for every thing they do.

Then you have to cope with the inner fight between not wanting to let your kids go for days because they are your life and you feel they will miss them, yet at the same time desperately needing some time to rest and resource yourself.

Then you have the step-mum who if she is not horrible to the kids, is usually wonderful. Gives them all the attention they love with no discipline to moan about. If she's not a mum yet, she isn't exhausted yet, actually usually full of beans at the prospect of becoming one soon and loves practicing her skills on new children.

Adding to that the ex who often doesn't really distinguished 'mother' and 'partner'. From their perspective, whoever they share their live with takes over that role, so they often encourage the new partner to take on that role, with new partner often seeing the opportunity to show their parenting skill with the message of 'see, we can have children together and I will be a much better mum than your ex'.

No matter how much I wanted my kids to get along with their step-mum, I did feel all the above. I couldn't help but keep an eye on the place she was taking with my kids. I was lucky though because she was already a mum and as it was, it wasn't a role she particularly enjoyed, so although she liked my kids and built a relationship with them, she never showed an interest in taking on a motherly role with them. This has helped me relax greatly. It also help that my OH took that same role. Everyone is clear as to who is who.

In this instance, I expect things will gradually get better. Firstly because Step-mum is going to become a mum herself and will be able to project her motherly feelings towards her new baby which will calm things down a bit. Also, as OP's son gets older, the motherly instinct will gradually lessen as the child will require less protective attention.

My advice to Georgia is to never denigrate OP's motherly and protective instinct towards her son. You will see how strong and overpowering it is when your child is born and understand how hard it is to let another women come and expect a share of it (hence the common battle between mums and mothers in law!). Take a step back. As for OP, as it's been said many times here, you need to think of your son and however much you probably wish Georgia didn't exist, she is here and at least does want a son in her life which is much much better than if she subconsciously wished he didn't exist. Do consider meeting her as this would probably alleviate your fears. It won't mean you relish control, you will always be your son's main carer, but it will help if you can give her a chance to show herself as who she is as a person rather than the new woman in your son's life who is trying to steal your role.

mummyroysof3

My opinion is that the contact should not continue as it was if dad isn't there. It would be nice if some form of contact could take place during the time dads not availible. I also think prison is not a place for children to visit.

Alchemilla

bluenoseam wrote: »

I'd be stopping the contact order completely - he was convicted of drug dealing, which is in it's own right a serious offence, he claims he was pressured into it which makes it worse. I say this as someone who's not a parent, but there's no chance in hell I'd be allowing any child of mine around ANYONE who is a convicted dealer, far less one who's already under pressure. That's an unsafe environment at best, at worst it's a recipe for disaster.

I generally stick up for Dads, but in this case I can't - he's a convicted dealer for pete's sake, that's a major alarm bell ringing loud & clear!

I am astonished that this is the first poster to comment on the childs safety.
An ex colleague whose husband was dealing got her house torched with her three year old in it...

I would doubt your son's safety at this address, especially since intimidation has already been mentioned.

Carl31

I was in a similar situation to this many years ago, although I never got caught. ....

It sounds to me like the op is looking for justification for trying to block the father out, all I will say is people do, and will make mistakes in life, but they should be allowed to learn from then. The sons father did something stupid, and the law is now punishing him, he will serve his time and should be allowed the bod following release, as it sounds like he was making a good life elsewhere.

The son needs to see his dad. I know for a fact that if my ex (who I get on with fine now) would have regretted it if she got her way, and my son probably would never have forgiven her

as for child safety. There could be risks due to the drugs, but a lot of people who sell drugs are not big bad gangster types who carry guns and beat people up, they are just people who have chosen an easy way to make money, which is the main part of the attraction. It's not advisable due to current drug laws here, but it's sometimes a case of risking the small chance of getting caught with the easy financial return.

I think the op has her new life with her new man, and the arrangement with the ex is a major inconvenience, so here is the perfect chance to cut the father out, but there's an underlying guilt and insecurity about doing it, hence seeking justification.

quidsy

The ex was coerced into selling, that isn't him taking and losing a chance to make money. How can the op know her son will be safe.

Shineyhappy

I just feel sorry for the kid, caught up in the middle of this.

The point scoring of divorcing couples needs to stop and the happiness of the child should be put first. There are going to be countless events where the kid will want all their family about, school plays, weddings, parties etc and all of the parents should be at these things and getting along like friends not pouting at each other and potentially arguing with the kid worried about them acting like spoilt teens.

That is how I grew up and it was easier not to have either parent there than pick who was and wasn't going.

mountainofdebt

Since when did MSE become Jeremy Kylie on line?

Funky_Bold_Ribena

I'm gobsmacked that so many people think it is the mother's duty to facilitate the son seeing the family when the father is in jail for dealing.

If the father was worried about his relationship with his son, and his son's relationship with his new family, he wouldn't have been dealing drugs in the first place and would have been at home, with his family - in the first place.

And yes of course drug dealing is a safety concern, dealers say what they can to get away with it - who knows what sort of lowlife he has been dealing with and who could turn up on the doorstep whilst he is in or indeed, once he is out of prison.