Accepting financial help or not

Pollycat

This is true:

gwen80 wrote: »

Dad has said that as far as he's concerned it's his money to do with as he chooses.

I can't see any issue at all - even after reading your later clarifying posts.

Snakey

victory wrote: »

But why? Her brother never gave her any, never bothered him in any way that he probably knowingly took £££££ off his dad and his sister would not get a penny, he was quite happy with that arragement:o

Because the OP was all about how she didn't want to take the money unless her brother had the same and seemed to be trying to think of a way to make her father give money to her brother.

If this person was my brother? I'd take the money and wouldn't care. But the OP is not me, she does care or she wouldn't have posted, I was trying to help her get what it seemed she wanted, and that was the only thing I could think of that would work.

Also, not everyone sees themselves as god's appointed agent of karma. If someone behaves badly to me, I don't necessarily behave badly to them or try to get revenge. Because it matters to me how I behave, and if all I've got in my defence is "well, s/he started it" then that's not usually enough to get me comfortable with doing it.

Saint_Chris

wow


your dad has offered to give you some money, (which you think that he has done with your brother in the past) and your considering all of this.


It's your dads money, from where he got it is his business, what or who he decides to give it to is his business.


You should accept his money and thank him, he's explained it all to you.

gwen80

Snakey wrote: »

Because the OP was all about how she didn't want to take the money unless her brother had the same and seemed to be trying to think of a way to make her father give money to her brother.

If this person was my brother? I'd take the money and wouldn't care. But the OP is not me, she does care or she wouldn't have posted, I was trying to help her get what it seemed she wanted, and that was the only thing I could think of that would work.

Also, not everyone sees themselves as god's appointed agent of karma. If someone behaves badly to me, I don't necessarily behave badly to them or try to get revenge. Because it matters to me how I behave, and if all I've got in my defence is "well, s/he started it" then that's not usually enough to get me comfortable with doing it.

It matters to me too snakey. I have to be able to look myself in the mirror at the end of the day and feel ok. My dilemma in this situation is at what point does my interest in treating other people fairly become detrimental to myself?

I have spoken to my Aunt about this. She has put another point of view forward. My Dad has gotten involved with a new lady recently and moved her into the house. I stayed with them for a few days and in that short time, she came across as very materialistic. I have my suspicions why she is with him. I also think my Dad is aware of what she is like, but he was very lonely on his own before so is accepting it for now. He mentioned to me that he was planning to get some agreement drawn up between them, but if this will happen I have no idea. He's not daft and I'm sure he sees what she's like - she's always asking for clothes, holidays, 'things', everything has to be the best of everything etc, but it's up to him. My Aunt has suggested that my Dad may be trying to get this 'pot' of money out of her reach. In which case, I think I should take it. Argh. Money and families, each one a nightmare, but together...

victory

gwen80 wrote: »

It matters to me too snakey. I have to be able to look myself in the mirror at the end of the day and feel ok. My dilemma in this situation is at what point does my interest in treating other people fairly become detrimental to myself?

I have spoken to my Aunt about this. She has put another point of view forward. My Dad has gotten involved with a new lady recently and moved her into the house. I stayed with them for a few days and in that short time, she came across as very materialistic. I have my suspicions why she is with him. I also think my Dad is aware of what she is like, but he was very lonely on his own before so is accepting it for now. He mentioned to me that he was planning to get some agreement drawn up between them, but if this will happen I have no idea. He's not daft and I'm sure he sees what she's like - she's always asking for clothes, holidays, 'things', everything has to be the best of everything etc, but it's up to him. My Aunt has suggested that my Dad may be trying to get this 'pot' of money out of her reach. In which case, I think I should take it. Argh. Money and families, each one a nightmare, but together...

You most definitely should take it, it's much more your dads/ soon to be yours than it will ever be the new materialistic woman your dad has now:eek:

gwen80

sassyblue wrote: »

I'd take it, it's about time you were treated fairly. And don't care about your SIL either, how dare she actually ask for it using her son for the sympathy vote!!

I was particularly annoyed by this too. I will ALWAYS look out for the best interests of my nephews, but they haven't paid for his therapy. To then try and use that as justification for their 'entitlement' is deceitful and manipulative to me. If they were having to pay and couldn't afford it that would be a different, but that is not the case. It's situations like this which are why I would not speak to brother about it. I can't trust him or sister-in-law.

lifeisgood

gwen80 wrote: »

Hi

Dad has said that as far as he's concerned it's his money to do with as he chooses. He said that I'm a number of years behind my brother which has meant that brother has had access to cheaper property and other advantageous situations and I've had difficulties that brother hasn't had.

Gx

gwen80 wrote: »

My Dad has said he wants me to use it to 'improve my life' which is fair enough. I want to use it to do that too. He wouldn't emotionally blackmail me afterwards.

gwen80 wrote: »

My Aunt has suggested that my Dad may be trying to get this 'pot' of money out of her reach. In which case, I think I should take it. .

Your Dad has clearly thought it through.
Take the money, and use it to improve your life as he suggests. And treat yourself as well.

duchy

Just as it wasn't any of your business if your brother was given money in the past .......likewise it isn't any of your brother,s business your dad gives you money. You say you never knew ......so by the same logic how would he know (especially if your mum doesn't know and there is no real reason as an adult to tell her)

gwen80

duchy wrote: »

Just as it wasn't any of your business if your brother was given money in the past .......likewise it isn't any of your brother,s business your dad gives you money. You say you never knew ......so by the same logic how would he know (especially if your mum doesn't know and there is no real reason as an adult to tell her)

I've just spoken to Dad again briefly about this and he is adamant he wants me to have it. I just said to him 'Is it fair?' and he said 'It is fair'. I honestly suspect my brother will have had more, but I can't be sure and I can't do anything about it.

My brother would likely find out. The money is a very distinct 'pot' of money. It was left to my Dad by my Grandma, but as he lives abroad, my Grandma's will was dealt with by my Aunt and Uncle. It has been sat in my Aunt and Uncle's bank account in the UK ever since. The rest of my Dad's money is in the country he lives in as far as I'm aware with possibly some in the US. My Dad is very well off and has little need for it. My Aunt and Uncle are also well off and don't need it, not that they would ever try and keep it - as far as they are concerned it is Dad's.

Mojisola

gwen80 wrote: »

I've just spoken to Dad again briefly about this and he is adamant he wants me to have it. I just said to him 'Is it fair?' and he said 'It is fair'. I honestly suspect my brother will have had more, but I can't be sure and I can't do anything about it.

My brother would likely find out.

So what?

You are making it very hard work for your Dad to give you a gift!