Accepting financial help or not

jaylee3

Take the money. You deserve it. And it's not unusual for the boy(s) to be treated more favourably than the girl(s) in a family.

Snakey

I don't know how helpful my advice would be as you seem to have a completely different way of looking at this than I would.

You see this money as still belonging, morally speaking, to your long-dead grandmother? What's behind that - are you suggesting that it ought go equally to all grandchildren as it's what she would have wanted or something? (Which it clearly wasn't, since she left it to your Dad).

And you don't seem to be close enough to your brother to be able to talk to him about this, and you don't seem the least bit surprised at the possibility that he's had money in the past and not felt he could (or should) tell you.

The first thing I'd do if it were me would be to phone my sister (I don't have a brother!) and say "guess what just happened?" and tell her about it and ask what she thinks I should do and we'd sort it out together. If I didn't feel close enough to her to do that, I probably wouldn't feel that I owed her some duty of ensuring that all family members treated us identically (which is a bit of a weird duty, if you think about it - why is it up to you what other people choose to do with their money?)

You could always take the money and give half of it to your brother.

mountainofdebt

I'd should have added in my earlier posts that my mum gave me some money a couple of years ago when I needed it the most. It wasn't alot numerically wise but alot for her ....if that makes sense

I doubt very much much - no I know - she wouldn't have told my sister about it BUT I know that if my mum then gave my sister an equal sum of money and I later found out about it - it wouldn't bother me at all.

victory

Snakey wrote: »

I

You could always take the money and give half of it to your brother.

But why? Her brother never gave her any, never bothered him in any way that he probably knowingly took £££££ off his dad and his sister would not get a penny, he was quite happy with that arragement:o

DigForVictory

Ah, siblings, parents' money & fairness.

An emotional minefield, no messing but in this case, it would appear your Dad has had a lightbulb moment regarding brother & SiL. In which case, I'd accept the money, and write a thankyou note outlining your understanding & appreciation that this is his money, his choice & all parties hope he lives a lot longer than 7 more years. No need to ask him to explain (might catch him on the ego and still not placate future ghou! forensic accounting), but handy to have a copy someday maybe.

Life is not fair, so take the money, (be sensible with it) & enjoy the novelty!

Savvy_Sue

rach_k wrote: »

Fair doesn't necessarily mean everybody has to be treated exactly the same. People have different needs at different times. Your brother might have needed money in the past and he's probably had it from your dad. If you didn't need money at the time, that isn't unfair to you - you just didn't need it. If you need money now and your brother doesn't, it won't be unfair to your brother if you get some money and he doesn't. It would only be unfair if both of you had equal need of money and only one of you was given it. Even then, a gift is for the giver to decide if they want to give it - if they do and somebody believes it to be unfair, they need to address it with them, not with the person who received it. If you have any trouble with bro and SIL, just tell them you assumed your dad was treating you all fairly (they can interpret this as 'exactly the same' if they want, or accept that they've been given money in the past when you haven't) and then they can talk to your dad if they're stupid enough.

This.

The only other reason I'd hesitate to accept money would be if I was also being instructed how to spend it, or likely to face emotional blackmail afterwards.

My parents gave us small-ish sums at times, but we always had to say what we intended to spend it on, and they had to approve of our choice. That was sometimes hard work!

I'd be unlikely to accept much from my mother now as it would probably be used against me ... "I gave you all that money and now you never come and see me" kind of thing. Note that I do visit her, and she leads a very busy life!

ska_lover

Families and money - does this ever end well with no judgement or resentment?

From what I have seen, no.

If it were me, I wouldn't worry about what a sibling had recieved, I would see that as no concern of mine and wouldn't keep mulling it over.
What about speaking direct to your brother, if you are worried about fairness? Then maybe you could see the situation with a bit more balance

gwen80

Thanks for all the replies. I should maybe clarify a few things. My Mum and Dad are long divorced. The family is very split geographically and every way. I get on with everybody for the most part although recently I'm increasingly aware that I find the attitude of my brother and sister-in-law horrifying.

My Mum says that my brother has told her that Dad has given them money. Now I could easily see this being true, but then again Mum could have gotten the wrong end of the stick so I'm not certain.

My Dad has always favoured my brother and has always used money to 'buy' people's affection. My brother cottoned on to this at a very young age and spent months every year figuring out what he'd ask for for Christmas so to this end I can see that my brother has always been very materially motivated. My brother has even said to me something along the lines of 'Well I deserve more from Dad because I've spent more time with him'. I can see where all this has come from - my brother's attention, affection and loyalty have been 'bought' by my Dad from a young age. Dad wasn't so bothered with me and I was not interested in thinking up extravagant Christmas gifts every year for him to buy me. I told myself I'd 'do it on my own' - make my own way in life I guess. I knew I couldn't rely on any help from Dad in the same way as my brother. But Dad helped me a bit through Uni, gave me a small sum towards my house deposit and I have a decent relationship now with Dad. I'm enjoying getting to know him as an adult and I try to look out for him.

Interestingly a situation cropped up recently where one nephew thought I was going to give a gift to the other nephew and not him. I said quite clearly to sister-in-law 'I would never give to one boy and not the other' and she seemed pleased. They want their own children to be treated fairly, but see no double standards with expecting superior treatment over me. Then again they tell their children to say 'Thank you' and frequently neglect to thank people for gifts bought for them.

On the issue of the counselling regarding my brother - it is actually something I was thinking of spending some money on. My brother has treated me appallingly in the past and I forgave him and moved one because mainly, what other choice is there? Having said that I'll never trust him fully again. The relationship will never be what it was. Having said that I think because I'm on my own and have no family of my own I'm aware that at some point, brother and his family will be the only family I will have.

Anyway back to the money, I so wish my Dad had just been fair and preferably transparent from the start.

G

gwen80

ska_lover wrote: »

Families and money - does this ever end well with no judgement or resentment?

From what I have seen, no.

If it were me, I wouldn't worry about what a sibling had recieved, I would see that as no concern of mine and wouldn't keep mulling it over.
What about speaking direct to your brother, if you are worried about fairness? Then maybe you could see the situation with a bit more balance

I would speak to brother if I trusted him to be fair to me in the same way I am trying to be fair to him, but I don't.

gwen80

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

This.

The only other reason I'd hesitate to accept money would be if I was also being instructed how to spend it, or likely to face emotional blackmail afterwards.

My parents gave us small-ish sums at times, but we always had to say what we intended to spend it on, and they had to approve of our choice. That was sometimes hard work!

I'd be unlikely to accept much from my mother now as it would probably be used against me ... "I gave you all that money and now you never come and see me" kind of thing. Note that I do visit her, and she leads a very busy life!

My Dad has said he wants me to use it to 'improve my life' which is fair enough. I want to use it to do that too. He wouldn't emotionally blackmail me afterwards.