Accepting financial help or not

gwen80

Hi

I have a bit of an issue at the moment. My Dad has offered to give me a large sum of money to help me out. What's the problem?? So far I have not accepted it as the situation is rather complicated.

At the moment, my Dad and my brother are not speaking. I suspect that my brother has received financial help from my Dad in the past which I haven't received. It's quite a long story, but this wouldn't be a surprise. My brother has always been regarded as 'superior' to me - we've never been treated as equals by our Dad. My Mum says that my brother has told her that he's received financial help our Dad in the past, but I have no 'evidence' that this is actually the case. When visiting my Dad on one occasion he had bank statements scattered around the living room and I noticed sums of money going from my Dad to my brother - one significant amount, other smaller ones. However for all I know they could have been loans....I'm not entirely sure they were, but I just don't know.

The money that I've been offered was left to my Dad by my Grandma. My Dad inherited it a number of years ago and it's been sat in a bank account ever since - my Dad is pretty well off and has little need for it.

There was a conversation earlier in the year with my brothers wife regarding the money Dad had inherited and the fact that it was sat there in an account not doing anything. She thought it was wasteful to have it sat there and that they could use some help with my nephews speech problems. However, my nephews treatment has been almost entirely paid for by the state - they live abroad, not in the UK. My Mum said something along the lines of 'gwen could do with some help' - Mum was trying to stick up for me. The top and bottom of it is that brother and sister-in-law seem to believe they are 'entitled' and more deserving than me. Not a massive surprise given that my brother has been led to believe this by my Dad for years, but the fact is that he's now an adult and has had plenty of time to form his own opinions about things.

Anyhow, on being offered this money, I said to my Dad - 'is this fair?' I said 'If the boot were on the other foot, I'm not sure there would be the same concern for fairness, but I wouldn't want to screw brother over. It needs to be fair. I know the two of you aren't talking at the moment, but I'm not going to take advantage of that. It needs to be fair'. I also said 'Brother and sister-in-law know about this money. They may believe they have some entitlement and it is also very obvious where the money has gone'. I also said that I thought it could be seen as important where the money has come from, i.e. Grandma'. I also said that I don't want my nephews being told 'Your Aunty Gwen took Grandma's money' or anything like that. I tried to explain that I didn't want to be put in a vulnerable position.

Dad has said that as far as he's concerned it's his money to do with as he chooses. He said that I'm a number of years behind my brother which has meant that brother has had access to cheaper property and other advantageous situations and I've had difficulties that brother hasn't had.

Now I'm a bit stuck. Mum thinks I'm shooting myself in the foot by not taking the money and says that brother would take it in a heartbeat with no problem. If I take the money it will become apparent at some point as brother and sister-in-law are aware of it's existence and location. Then I leave myself vulnerable to being painted in whatever way they choose to my nephews. I 'suspect' brother has received significant help from our Dad in the past, but no certainty. I've tried to explain to Dad that his offer whilst a very kind gesture, puts me in a vulnerable position, but he is struggling to see things from my point of view. What would you do?

Gx

trolleyrun

You know deep down that your brother has had financial help from your dad. Now, your dad wants to give you money. I'd take it, to be honest. You seem scared of your brother and SIL and their reaction. Your dad is doing something nice for you - enjoy it. I'm assuming there are no hidden "consequences" for him giving you this money, such as you receiving less in the will when it comes to that stage. I'm only saying this, as a friend had such a situation a few years ago.

CH27

Take the money. It's your dad's money to give & he is choosing to give it to you.
Accept with grace & put it to good use.

Mojisola

gwen80 wrote: »

Dad has said that as far as he's concerned it's his money to do with as he chooses.

I've tried to explain to Dad that his offer whilst a very kind gesture, puts me in a vulnerable position, but he is struggling to see things from my point of view. What would you do?

Your Dad is right - it's his money and he can do what he wants with it.

I would take it and spend some of it on counselling to understand why I'm so worried about what my brother thinks.

Grumpygit

Would you be happier taking the money if he then offered your brother the same amount already knowing that he has received money in the past and you haven't?

I get what you mean, but maybe you are over analysing it a bit much.

My OH lives 600 miles from his mum who has money. Now we know his brother is her favourite, however, she does (to a certain extent) treat them equally - she gave us some money last year as she was helping them out with some house legal fees so we got the same amount of money (according to her). Obviously she will treat them differently in many ways (babysitting, taking out for meals, gifts, she even paid their air fares here for our wedding, yet we had to pay ours for their wedding) but whilst we know that they are treated differently, OH isn't bothered (well, not about the money)

What I am trying to say is, your brother obviously doesn't have the same scruples as you if you know that he has had money and you haven't - he hasn't thought about you in the same way, so why should you waste your time thinking about him.

It's a very honourable that you are thinking about him, but maybe if it makes you feel any better, get a receipt for it or something, but take the cash if you need it.

SuzieSue

I think that your main concern is about your SIL turning your nephews against you if you accept the money. If you really believe that your SIL would do this, then she is not worth worrying about. You can't live your life worrying about someone who would use emotional blackmail like that. If it isn't this, it would be something else, so you can't spend your whole life treading on eggshells just in case you upset your SIL.

I think your father is trying to be fair because he has been unfair to you in the past. So take the money and use it wisely.

rachy182

Personally i wouldn't accept it, not because of fairness but more that the offer would feel more like an after thought and if you weren't there then i bet the brother would have got the money and you would be none the wiser. For fairness though i would suggest the money be split between the two of you. Why should one person get all of it and the other one nothing?

Morglin

Take it and enjoy it!

Lin

RuthnJasper

Mojisola wrote: »

Your Dad is right - it's his money and he can do what he wants with it.

I would take it and spend some of it on counselling to understand why I'm so worried about what my brother thinks.

Echo this. And this

SuzieSue wrote: »

I think that your main concern is about your SIL turning your nephews against you if you accept the money. If you really believe that your SIL would do this, then she is not worth worrying about. You can't live your life worrying about someone who would use emotional blackmail like that. If it isn't this, it would be something else, so you can't spend your whole life treading on eggshells just in case you upset your SIL.

I think your father is trying to be fair because he has been unfair to you in the past. So take the money and use it wisely.

Take it in the spirit it is given, which seems to me to be that in which your Mum and Dad are trying to do the right thing by you. My relationship with my parents and brother is not the easiest; worse with my brother. But my SiL is a wonderful person who has done her best to heal the "rift" (I can't understand why my brother is 'funny' with me). Sadly, that doesn't seem to be the case here...

Gwen, was your relationship with your brother better before your SiL appeared on the scene? Without wanting you to provide any explanation or suggesting any issues in your past or present, you do come across as somewhat frightened of your brother and SiL's response to this gift. In this case, if they DO overreact then their argument is with your father and NOT with you. They can have no legitimate issue with your taking something that was freely offered.

Take the money; write a heartfelt letter of thanks to your parents, and try not to dwell on what your brother and his wife think; this is not their business.

Keep smiling sweetie; it'll be OK. x

BitterAndTwisted

Your father is right: he inherited grandmother's money so it it his to do with as he chooses. It's got nothing to do with your brother and even less to do with your sister-in-law. If you fear either of them trying to "turn your nephews against you" then they're not worth a second thought.

Treating children fairly does not have to mean treating them equally. Your father has helped your brother in the past and now he wants to help you. It doesn't matter whether the amounts are the same or have been given at the same time.

Accept your father's kind offer before he changes his mind!

themull1

I would accept it if it was me, if it makes you feel better, set aside a little bit for your Nephew for when he's older?