Getting married, joint finances who pays for childcare?

purpleshoes_2

krustylouise wrote: »

Thank you for your reply. So glad to hear from someone in the same situation.

Currently OH lives with his Dad and the only outgoings he has are mobile, insurance and petrol.

When I mentioned childcare and about how much i'd have left he just stayed quiet so I didn't push it.

I think you need to push it before you get married.

krustylouise

quidsy wrote: »

No meant for you both, not for us, unless you want us to pick over to see if you can make savings

He may not fully understand just how much you are losing out on by him moving in. He is probably looking at his own financial changes without fully considering yours & tbh as the one with a child & who already has the house & stuff etc, your loss is much more important than his, if it all goes wrong he could move back to dads but what would you do if you had to suddenly find money for ALL bills, childcare etc with none of the government buffer?

So an SoA of where you are now & where you will be once he moves in might help in discussions over left over funds.

Yes this is true and to be honest I never thought of it like that! Thanks for your quick replies - I appreciate each and every one of them x

krustylouise

purpleshoes wrote: »

I think you need to push it before you get married.

I will bring it up tonight. We have talked alot about if we had another child how would we work/who would be a stay at home parent/would we both work etc? That was sorted relatively easily and luckily we both had the same opinion.

JimmyTheWig

OP, are you planning on having children with your new husband in the future?
If so, I think you need to think carefully now about what the family dynamic will be then.
Will it be the case that you will have to pay for stuff for your eldest and you and your husband will jointly pay for stuff for your younger children?
What if both children want to do something that you (personally) can't afford but your husband can? Will he pay for "his" child to do it but leave your child to go without?

To me, that sounds like a recipe for disaster.
This guy is marrying you. I presume that he knew about your daughter when he said he wanted to marry you? In which case he should understand that the two of you come as a unit. He can't marry you and not take on your daughter.

I can't see any alternative but to view maintenance as money coming into the family (yours, his, joint makes little difference as far as I can see) and children's costs as money going out of the family (either jointly or halved). That would then put your eldest on an equal footing with any subsequent children.

krustylouise

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

OP, are you planning on having children with your new husband in the future?
If so, I think you need to think carefully now about what the family dynamic will be then.
Will it be the case that you will have to pay for stuff for your eldest and you and your husband will jointly pay for stuff for your younger children?
What if both children want to do something that you (personally) can't afford but your husband can? Will he pay for "his" child to do it but leave your child to go without?

To me, that sounds like a recipe for disaster.
This guy is marrying you. I presume that he knew about your daughter when he said he wanted to marry you? In which case he should understand that the two of you come as a unit. He can't marry you and not take on your daughter.

I can't see any alternative but to view maintenance as money coming into the family (yours, his, joint makes little difference as far as I can see) and children's costs as money going out of the family (either jointly or halved). That would then put your eldest on an equal footing with any subsequent children.

Yes OH knew about DD and actually asked her if he could marry Mummy before he asked me!

The point you raise is a good one and was exactly what my thoughts were on if we had more children how would we work it.

duchy

jaylee3 wrote: »

Yes Krustylouise, I think when a single mother gets married, it does absolve a lot of financial responsibility from the childrens father.

Why is that..........
Do you believe that when a woman remarries the Father should no longer be regarded as the child's father and should lose access too ?

They are still their parent- they still have parental responsibility, If the mother died the child would go to them not her new husband. The child still sees them as a parent.
Why on earth would the mother re-marrying change any of that ?
The mother is getting a new husband ....not trading a Dad in for a better model after all !

74jax

krustylouise wrote: »

Thank you for your reply. So glad to hear from someone in the same situation.

Currently OH lives with his Dad and the only outgoings he has are mobile, insurance and petrol.

When I mentioned childcare and about how much i'd have left he just stayed quiet so I didn't push it.

Well push it. Believe me you need to get it straight before you move in, or the resentment will still be there.

Make a list of your income, his income and the bills. If you include your maintenance in your income then include your daughter in the outgoings. To be honest I would do it this way.

He is moving in with you both, don't try and moddlecoddle him in to thinking step parent hood is a blast for fear of scarring the guy off 😃.

It's hard, really hard, hubby even now will not tell DD off, he doesn't see that as his roll, I think he's only twice got mad at her, and boy did she know it.

He needs to know you both come with financial implications. You have a child who needs financial help for many years to come, he needs to understand that.

Maybe also discuss the role he sees himself playing, ie is he happy to babysit, take the child shopping for mothers day gifts, Christmas gifts, go to school plays etc.

I would try and get as much sorted before he moves in.

krustylouise

74jax wrote: »

Well push it. Believe me you need to get it straight before you move in, or the resentment will still be there.

Make a list of your income, his income and the bills. If you include your maintenance in your income then include your daughter in the outgoings. To be honest I would do it this way.

He is moving in with you both, don't try and moddlecoddle him in to thinking step parent hood is a blast for fear of scarring the guy off 😃.

It's hard, really hard, hubby even now will not tell DD off, he doesn't see that as his roll, I think he's only twice got mad at her, and boy did she know it.

He needs to know you both come with financial implications. You have a child who needs financial help for many years to come, he needs to understand that.

Maybe also discuss the role he sees himself playing, ie is he happy to babysit, take the child shopping for mothers day gifts, Christmas gifts, go to school plays etc.

I would try and get as much sorted before he moves in.

OH is great with DD and after initial teething problems {OH not DD :rotfl:} it's now much better. He is a quiet person but when he tells her not to do something she listens and they have a great relationship. He has alot of time for her and has done the Mothers day gift shopping, birthday and christmas shopping. He has taken time off to come to her christmas play and anything school related. He is very involved and we all prefer it this way.

duchy

!!!!!! wrote: »

This sounds more like finalising the finances of a business deal rather than a sharing marriage.

You're not married then

Marriage is a partnership-emotionally and financially.
If it wasn't there would be an awful lot of penniless SAHMs.

Money causes more rows than anything else in most marriages so it is sensible to "start as you mean to go on" and make sure you both see things the same way financially surely !

krustylouise

duchy wrote: »

You're not married then

Marriage is a partnership-emotionally and financially.
If it wasn't there would be an awful lot of penniless SAHMs.

Money causes more rows than anything else in most marriages so it is sensible to "start as you mean to go on" and make sure you both see things the same way financially surely !

^^^ Exactly this. I wouldn't want to get married and then have conflict and realise the person I've married doesn't agree with me. I would like to be on the same page