Getting married, joint finances who pays for childcare?

krustylouise

duchy wrote: »

Ermm.....

He's marrying you - he's not a child.
Marriage is a partnership.
If he's not ready to pull his weight-is he really ready for marriage ?

You aren't restricting anyone's finances you are allocating them fairly. (Not sure how he'd end up with paying £1000 a month on your figures though.)
If he lives at home he may not realize just how much living costs- so maybe print out an SOA form and put everything down but really with both of you earning plus child support you should be fine.

The part you are missing is that for him to move in is actually costing you several hundred pounds a month in tax credits and other benefits and you also may not be getting the full amount of child support you are legally entitled to.

Yes I know he's not a child and to be fair to OH he's always been very supportive and not mean at all, but as DD is my child and I have supported her and worked full time {obviously getting help from the government - for which I'm truly grateful} I do feel as though it is MY responsibility.

jaylee3

krustylouise wrote: »

Hi,

Thank you so much for your reply, none of it offended me at all. OH did say he feels guilty because he earns more, however the incomes aren't too different {approximately £100}.

We both don't have terribly good credit scores and I doubt very much that we'll be able to get a joint account. I do have a "bills" account already that my wages go into, but I wouldn't feel comfortable asking him to put all his money into that as it's in my name. Plus there's only 1 card.

Thanks again for your reply - I appreciate it

That's OK. It may be worth asking the bank though. Even if you do have dodgy credit records, I don't see why the bank wouldn't let you open a joint account together. It's usually on credit that they are funny with, not an account that money is to be paid into.

Good luck anyway.

krustylouise

Homeownertobe wrote: »

I'm confused - if holiday childcare is £100 per week (and presumably her dad will have her for half of those so that will be his responsibility) why is your childcare over £600 per month?

:rotfl:you think her Dad has her for half of these?!?!?!?! This is also a long standing argument between us. I get my holiday allowance {20 days} January 1st. January 2nd I've used all mine up covering childcare. He uses his going on holidays with the lads and his gf {they've since split up}.

duchy

Do you not take holiday in school holiday time? Surely any holiday cover could be reduced by your new husband taking some of the load ? Most parents don't take all of their holiday at the same time but split some of it to cover childcare.

I think the problem is you are seeing yourself as a single Mum with another adult moving in - not as creating a new family and sharing everything which is what marriage is about. You and your daughter come as a package deal. Stop apologizing for that-He proposed knowing she's a part of the deal.

krustylouise

quidsy wrote: »

^^Exactly he is getting a ready made home & family & still has several hundred a month spending but you are actually going to be left with nothing at the end of the month after paying HH & child costs.

He's the one getting the better deal. After all, he isn't having to furnish a house, pay any finder or registeration fees, pay moving in costs etc. It's all there waiting at a bargain price.

An SoA would be really helpful.

I will do an SoA when I have more time and all the correct figures in front of me. Are you wanting a SoA of mine? Or of both?

74jax

I was a single mum with one DD when I met my now hubby.

I had my own home and he had his, it took 8 years for me to be at a stage where I could look at marriage, having been me and DD for so long I was really scared to give up some independence, financial and otherwise.

You sound more focused than what I was, all I could see, at the time, was what I was giving up. However after eight years I had to take a deep breath and go for it.

When you were working out money, what did your oh say about the childcare side of things?

How we work it, is the CSA is classed as my income, so we work out out incoming including that.

Hubby does the food shopping and just buys for us as a family, all out food comes out of a food budget, that includes our lunches.

On days out etc we don't really think of it as he pays for this, I pay for that, we just pay as a family, eventually it would work even I guess, we don't keep track.

If you always have to pay two thirds, for you and child, then you'll have no money left unless you keep your maintenance money seperate,

If he currently lives at home, does he not pay bills now though?

krustylouise

duchy wrote: »

Do you not take holiday in school holiday time? Surely any holiday cover could be reduced by your new husband taking some of the load ? Most parents don't take all of their holiday at the same time but split some of it to cover childcare.

I think the problem is you are seeing yourself as a single Mum with another adult moving in - not as creating a new family and sharing everything which is what marriage is about. You and your daughter come as a package deal. Stop apologizing for that-He proposed knowing she's a part of the deal.

Thank you Duchy - that made me well up abit. I currently see a counsellor and she has said I don't have any self compassion and am always harsh on myself, it affects all aspects of my life.

I do tend to manage alone and dread having to ask people to help me or rely on others as in the past they have had a tendency of letting me down or expecting something in return.

krustylouise

74jax wrote: »

I was a single mum with one DD when I met my now hubby.

I had my own home and he had his, it took 8 years for me to be at a stage where I could look at marriage, having been me and DD for so long I was really scared to give up some independence, financial and otherwise.

You sound more focused than what I was, all I could see, at the time, was what I was giving up. However after eight years I had to take a deep breath and go for it.

When you were working out money, what did your oh say about the childcare side of things?

How we work it, is the CSA is classed as my income, so we work out out incoming including that.

Hubby doors the good shopping and just bus for us as a family, all out food comes out of a food budget, that includes our lunches.

On days out etc we don't really think of it as he pays for this, I pay for that, we just pay as a family, eventually it would work even I guess, we don't keep track.

If you always have to pay two thirds, for you and child, then you'll have no money left unless you keep your maintenance money seperate,

If he currently lives at home, doors he not pay bills now though?

Thank you for your reply. So glad to hear from someone in the same situation.

Currently OH lives with his Dad and the only outgoings he has are mobile, insurance and petrol.

When I mentioned childcare and about how much i'd have left he just stayed quiet so I didn't push it.

quidsy

No meant for you both, not for us, unless you want us to pick over to see if you can make savings

He may not fully understand just how much you are losing out on by him moving in. He is probably looking at his own financial changes without fully considering yours & tbh as the one with a child & who already has the house & stuff etc, your loss is much more important than his, if it all goes wrong he could move back to dads but what would you do if you had to suddenly find money for ALL bills, childcare etc with none of the government buffer?

So an SoA of where you are now & where you will be once he moves in might help in discussions over left over funds.

duchy

You know what- I was the same
Gotta do it all myself and not let anyone else in !
You are marrying this guy- give him a chance to share .
Yes it is scary -you are trusting him and letting go of control .
Think how good it will be if it works out- Worth the risk.

SOA for both of course silly.......Joint enterprise- Remember !!