I know it's petty but I'm feeling miffed.

FBaby

The feeling sorry for might be a strong element to it. I know that my children feel sorry for their dad and that affects their feelings and views. In a way I am pleased they feel this way because it shows they have compassion and integrity.

Your SD seems to be very carrying and is a credit to you and her dad.

Tiddlywinks

maman wrote: »

We have been civil when essential. So when she was young, we made arrangements for the rare visits that she made. For DSDs wedding she was invited along with her parents. DH spoke to them I just spoke to other people instead. I remember DSD being furious with them as they made no effort to speak to anyone and when they did they were rude! I calmed her down/cheered her up and told her to just enjoy the day which we all did.

If something unavoidable happened again then I'd just be matter of fact with her but I'm not going to seek her company in any way.

I don't think DSD finds it stressful, I think she just accepts things for what they are. As I've said, she's a really kind and caring person. She's good to me but I think she sees me as strong but her mum (and her MIL too as it happens) as needy.

I think what happened was that she was invited to start with as DSD felt sorry for her as she was widowed and her own step children wanted to see the back of her (I think they thought she was a gold digger) so they bought her out of her interest in their father's estate. It was meant to be a temporary arrangement while she found somewhere to live. She was paying them some 'rent' I believe. Then she put it to SIL and he thought it was a great idea!

Firstly, it's not a competition for 'mum of the year'... your stepdaughter is allowed to love her mum despite any faults she may have. You seem to like making negative assumptions about the 'other mother'.

Secondly, you imply that your stepdaughter had nothing to do with the decision of her mum moving in... I don't for one minute believe it was all down to your SIL.

Things may not be quite as they seem. Your stepdaughter has chosen her life - just support her.

You're just hurting yourself by dwelling on all this stuff... and risking alienating others.

jaylee3

Yep, massive over-reaction 'Maman.' And very petty yes. She is your stepdaughter and you object to her requesting what you bring to the get-together.

Obviously lead a blessed life, if this a worry or issue for you.

As many others have said on here; all this seems to be about more than just someone asking for some drinks.

Morglin

maman wrote: »

Just need to vent really so feel free to ignore.:o


Long story but the brief version: have brought up step daughter since she was 8, through school, college, university, marriage, new home, child etc etc. with all the support that's involved both financial and otherwise. About 5 years ago her birth mother was widowed and came to stay with her (having been largely absent for 30 years). DSD is a kind person and ended up with mum living with her although added advantage of her paying off their mortgage. We won't visit with the ex there, maybe silly but our choice.


We see DSD and family when they visit us or when we go out for the day. On these occasions we obviously host them in our own home and on days out we generally pick up tab for a meal. That's our pleasure.


Once or twice a year we get invited to their home, I'm assuming when the ex is away. Always around this coming weekend as it coincides with Fathers' Day and SILs birthday. SIL's parents come and some other family.


Today she's texted me saying 'would it be ok if you bought Pimms, lemonade and the fruit for it'? I think there's an irony in the grammatical error in that she really means brought rather than bought. Apparently she's asking everyone to bring something although I don't recall this happening before.


There's not much logic in how I'm feeling. Normally we'd take a couple of bottles of wine anyway as a hostess gift as we would for any similar invitation to friends or family. It's not about money as it'll probably cost about the same. But I feel miffed that we're being asked to 'pay' to visit our own daughter when generally we pay for everything else (albeit our own choice) and have been generous to a fault with her for 30 years+.


I can't discuss this with DH as he's touchy about the whole relationship and wouldn't do or say anything to rock the boat. I wouldn't say anything either it just makes me view her differently that she's expecting her own 'parents' to pay to visit her. I really don't think they're short of money either.


I know I'm being petty and this isn't worth worrying about but it feels like a slap in the face. Can anyone understand/empathise with how I'm feeling?

I have a similar problem with my own adult step kids, at the moment, and although it's annoying, I am just raising my eyes heavenwards, and going with the flow, to a huge extent!


Lin

FatVonD

I agree with Fbaby's last few posts, it's a bit of a kick in the teeth when you have raised your DSD with no financial help from her biological mum only for her (the bio mum) to buy her way into your DSD's life when all the hard work is done.

It would also stick in my craw if the DSD was afforded a different standard of living to her siblings because of being mortgage free while her siblings aren't.

PS Pimms, really not the issue, take some, which I see you already are and probably always were going to

duchy

Quite honestly though does any parent expect their kids to "repay them" or feel eternally grateful. As for the mother should have "paid the step-mother back" for raising her child.........Really ? As is often said on here child support is for the benefit of the child not the parent with care so in a way the mother has paid it -and to the appropriate person rather than to someone who won't even be in the same house as her..

I always take with a rather large pinch of salt the second or subsequent wife demonizing the first wife. If they were that bad in the first place the husband wouldn't have married them and stayed long enough to have a child with them. No-one is perfect and everyone has flaws and makes mistakes - but to be carrying on with a vendetta against someone thirty years later isn't good for anyone- especially if there are grandchildren involved who are told "Don't mention Granny to Step Granny as she won't like it" . Seems like the grown up in all this is the SD but I bet she wishes things were different.

As for a stepchild having a better lifestyle from the other parent-that's life. If you want to avoid that don't have children with a man who already has children. It's no different to a stepchild getting two sets of Christmas presents -it is what it is. Even in non blended families it can happen. My aunt believed women should be reliant on their husbands so when she died she left me a few thousand but left my brother tens of thousands(only a few). He was single and had a really good job -I was having my first child and we were struggling but I didn't resent it. I appreciated the legacy and enjoyed it. My parents were horrified however that she treated us differently purely on a gender basis (she was explicit in her will as to why she had done it).

I do think you resent that your step-daughter has made room in her life for her mother. The nasty comments about her spelling speak volumes. Does your husband also harbour the same resentment or is this more a Mum v Mum issue ?

FatVonD

duchy wrote: »

As is often said on here child support is for the benefit of the child not the parent with care so in a way the mother has paid it -and to the appropriate person rather than to someone who won't even be in the same house as her.

She should have been paying to feed, house and put clothes on her child's back while she was still a child, not expect somebody else to do it for her.

I don't even agree that she has paid it now as she is living in the house with them, should they all decide they are unhappy with that arrangement further down the line I doubt she will walk away without her share.

duchy

FatVonD wrote: »

She should have been paying to feed, house and put clothes on her child's back while she was still a child, not expect somebody else to do it for her.

I don't even agree that she has paid it now as she is living in the house with them, should they all decide they are unhappy with that arrangement further down the line I doubt she will walk away without her share.

We don't know the circumstances -if there was any money when the stepdaughter was a child. A lot can change in thirty years.

As for what would happen and if any legal provision was made if the living arrangements don't suit.... I don't know the woman or how the paperwork was done- presumably you do to be so sure what would happen <shrug>

The SD is an educated woman -if the mother paid off the mortgage as an outright gift it would be reasonable to assume solictors were involved to protect the interests of those involved.

FBaby

Quite honestly though does any parent expect their kids to "repay them" or feel eternally grateful.

To be frank, yes I do. Not in a 'I made so many sacrifices in my life, I expect you to do everything I ask for to prove me your are eternally grateful' way, but in a showing appreciation for the fact that I did everything in my power to give them the best start to their lives just as I feel for my parents.

As is often said on here child support is for the benefit of the child not the parent with care so in a way the mother has paid it -and to the appropriate person rather than to someone who won't even be in the same house as her..

I assume that OP and her husband had to make compromises to give the best for OP DSD because they wanted her to have the same things she would have had if her mother had bothered to support her. So how she now making up for this I don't understand unless OP intended to pay her SDS mortgage herself, but that's not what I got from her posts.

I always take with a rather large pinch of salt the second or subsequent wife demonizing the first wife. If they were that bad in the first place the husband wouldn't have married them and stayed long enough to have a child with them

Oh please, in that case, no one would ever divorce...unfortunately, people do change and some seem to develop different principles when it comes to parenting when they meet someone else.

No-one is perfect and everyone has flaws and makes mistakes - but to be carrying on with a vendetta against someone thirty years later isn't good for anyone-

A vandetta? What vandetta? OP hasn't said much at all about her SDS mother beyond that she/her husband are not interested in being in the same room than the ex, a far cry from carrying a vendetta!

I do think you resent that your step-daughter has made room in her life for her mother.

Maybe not resentment but a small level of hurt? I know I would be hurt in OP's shoes, but not to the extent of showing any of it, which I don't think OP is doing. It is clear she loves her SDS.

princeofpounds

Maman, for all the silliness of the concern in your OP, I think your responses to some fairly blunt replies have been dignified.

And of course I think most of us do understand why the real issue can be difficult for you. I think the points made about her not contributing to the upbringing and buying her way back in have truth to them, although it's te contributions that really matter, jointly occupying a house that was jointly bought is not in itself unreasonable. Only where that money came from I the first place.

I think you should, carefully, express that perspective to your SD if you haven't already. With the emphasis always on the unsupported burden you and your husband had to face being partly a source of these burden-lifting riches. But then you just have to shut up about it. Your aim should be to share a little understanding with immense sensitivity, and be aware your SD is unlikely to ever fully comprehend it as she didn't 'live the history'.