I know it's petty but I'm feeling miffed.

FBaby

It's about what had become the norm on both sides. You are happy to pay for everything when they come to you because it is what feels right to you even though they might not have minded paying their half at least to start with. It became the norm. They on the other side might feel it is the norm to ask people to bring some food or drinks for a bbq (the norm for many families in this country). They are treating everyone the same rather than thinking 'Oh they always pay for us when they invite us so we won't ask them for anything'. I expect they got used to your generosity and caring ways and wouldn't think for a second it would upset you. No matter how much my parents give me they always each time they see us want to give us more. Don't draw any negative conclusion from this.

PasturesNew

On the basis you normally take some bottles, this is a blessing as you now know what to buy/take and won't spend ages agonising over "this bottle, or that?" ... and won't be worried about how many bottles seems "right" to take.

Simples.... your life's been made easier! How considerate.

jetplane

Yes its petty and yes you're miffed but I think for different reasons.

Your step daughter has asked you to bring pimms instead of wine, she may have amassed quite a few bottles of wine to be used at a later date over the years. Friends and relatives have brought me bottles of the stuff that I would never choose to drink, while I have paid for the stuff that we all have actually drank.

Your miffed because you feel that after 30 years of being absent her birth mother has pitched up, paid off the mortgage and lives with her, knocking you into second place after many years of unselfish emotional and financial commitment. I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling that way but allowing it to fester is not good for any of you.

You say you are invited once or twice a year, but is this your choice because you will not visit while the other mother is there? Your step daughter has clearly forgiven any past history and 30 years is a long time to harbour a grudge, especially if it effects her relationship with her father and you. Don't you or your husband want to visit your grandchild?

Families often fall out over a small thing, like a bottle of pimms, because the deeper issue is never addressed.

[Deleted User]

I wonder if it would be beneficial to pretend you are one of us.., re-read your post and answer it, removed as possible from your past history? As if you were one of us. Then, as others have said, ask yourself what the OP is not asking (but is)?

January20

After reading your post, I think 2 things:

1. You are very lucky that your step-daughter is remaining so close to you both because by refusing to visit her house when her mother is there, you put her in a very difficult position. Effectively, you are forcing her to choose one parent over the other. It can't be fun for her and it's not fair on her either. Additionally, you should be proud to have such a caring, thoughtful and forgiving SD!

2. In asking you to bring something specific to the BBQ your SD is treating you like a parent she loves and trusts. My DD would do exactly the same. Why you are offended I really don't understand!

No, clearly it is not about the Pimms!

Caroline_a

Still not speaking to ex after 30 years?? That's crazy. You are over-complicating your life and your SD's life by pettiness. Life is far too short, tell your husband to get over it.

CH27

maman wrote: »

Just need to vent really so feel free to ignore.:o


Long story but the brief version: have brought up step daughter since she was 8, through school, college, university, marriage, new home, child etc etc. with all the support that's involved both financial and otherwise. About 5 years ago her birth mother was widowed and came to stay with her (having been largely absent for 30 years). DSD is a kind person and ended up with mum living with her although added advantage of her paying off their mortgage. We won't visit with the ex there, maybe silly but our choice.


We see DSD and family when they visit us or when we go out for the day. On these occasions we obviously host them in our own home and on days out we generally pick up tab for a meal. That's our pleasure.


Once or twice a year we get invited to their home, I'm assuming when the ex is away. Always around this coming weekend as it coincides with Fathers' Day and SILs birthday. SIL's parents come and some other family.


Today she's texted me saying 'would it be ok if you bought Pimms, lemonade and the fruit for it'? I think there's an irony in the grammatical error in that she really means brought rather than bought. Apparently she's asking everyone to bring something although I don't recall this happening before.


There's not much logic in how I'm feeling. Normally we'd take a couple of bottles of wine anyway as a hostess gift as we would for any similar invitation to friends or family. It's not about money as it'll probably cost about the same. But I feel miffed that we're being asked to 'pay' to visit our own daughter when generally we pay for everything else (albeit our own choice) and have been generous to a fault with her for 30 years+.


I can't discuss this with DH as he's touchy about the whole relationship and wouldn't do or say anything to rock the boat. I wouldn't say anything either it just makes me view her differently that she's expecting her own 'parents' to pay to visit her. I really don't think they're short of money either.


I know I'm being petty and this isn't worth worrying about but it feels like a slap in the face. Can anyone understand/empathise with how I'm feeling?

I think you're feeling resentful about your SD's mum being back in the picture & you feeling excluded.
Thing is you've excluded yourself by not visiting when she is there.

I know you choose to treat your SD & foot the bill but not everyone is financially able to be able to treat people.

Georgiegirl256

Sorry, but I don't get it either? Why would you be miffed because she asked you to bring a certain kind of drink? Like others have said, this isn't about a bottle of drink is it? It's because the mother is back on the scene isn't it?

Is there something deeper that you're not telling us? If not, then I'd say yes it's a big overreaction.

Tiddlywinks

maman wrote: »

Maybe you're right, I did think that maybe it's DSD trying to stage manage her BBQ and wanting the Pimm's lifestyle thing rather than just the usual wine.

I still feel that if that's what she wanted she could have bought (brought?;)) it herself though and just put our bottles on the wine rack for future use.

What a strange turn of phrase you've used... do you realised how judgemental that sounds?

'Stage managing'? 'Pimm's lifestyle'? All she asked you to do is bring Pimm's instead of wine - and now your questioning her lifestyle?

As to the 'bought' vs 'brought'... errors occur all the time with predicative texting. Even if she did mean 'bought', what does it matter?

You are clearly harbouring resentments and that is then tarnishing your view of even the most innocent of requests.

You raised her BUT that was YOUR choice... don't expect your step daughter to have to show gratitude for the rest of her life.

She has every right to re-establish a relationship with her mum... don't resent her for that, just be supportive. The mortgage comments were also interesting... you are obviously trying to make yourself feel better by seeing a financial motive... can't you see that your step daughter may just want to be close to her mum?

Children aren't possessions, they grow up and make choices. She can choose to have others in her life... there's enough love to go around, it's not an 'either / or' situation.

Carry on like this and you'll drive her away.

fabforty

If you really are just miffed about the Pimms - then 'yes', you are overreacting. She is not asking you to pay to visit her - that is ridiculous. You always take a few bottles of wine, this time you will be taking something that she wants/needs.


As for the rest, you raised her because she and your husband came as a package. Only she can make decisons about her relationship with her mother, and clearly she has found a way to forgive her (assuming there was something to forgive), and move on. You and your husband should be pleased, yet you seem to be punishing her for that. Refusing to go to the house if her mother is there and not speaking after 30 years, is petty. I wonder if you thought/hoped that faced with this, she would 'choose' you and her father over her mother. She hasn't - and good for her. Sounds like she is trying to keep you all in her life, but it can't be easy.

Some of the other comments that you have made, 'Pimms ifestyle', stage managing her own barbecue, and her grammatical errors - just sound spiteful and nasty. I do hope that you are not so condescending towards her in real life.