I know it's petty but I'm feeling miffed.

sulkisu

No OP, I can't undertstand or empathise with the way that you feel - and believe me, I did try.


The fact that you know that you are being petty, means that at least there is some hope for things to improve. Previous posters have already said pretty much everything that I was going to, so I wont repeat it but just to add that your posts and comments about your step-daughter do sound incredibly hurtful and spiteful. To be frank, you don't sound as if you like her very much. Not a nice feeling for any child.

maman

FBaby wrote: »

It's about what had become the norm on both sides. You are happy to pay for everything when they come to you because it is what feels right to you even though they might not have minded paying their half at least to start with. It became the norm. They on the other side might feel it is the norm to ask people to bring some food or drinks for a bbq (the norm for many families in this country). They are treating everyone the same rather than thinking 'Oh they always pay for us when they invite us so we won't ask them for anything'. I expect they got used to your generosity and caring ways and wouldn't think for a second it would upset you. No matter how much my parents give me they always each time they see us want to give us more. Don't draw any negative conclusion from this.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to comment.:)


I think Fbaby has got closest to why I think I've reacted this way. It's not about money or Pimm's v wine it's about a change from the norm. This BBQ is a birthday 'party' for my SIL and a 'Happy Fathers' Day' for her dad (and SIL's dad). It's not the norm to ask people to bring things and I'm surprised. But I'll turn up with my bottle of Pimm's (or Austin's;)) and all the other bits and life will go on. I said in the thread title I was being petty. I'll get over it.


For those suspecting deeper questions: of course you're right. It's our choice not to visit when the ex is there so that means no spontaneous dropping by if we're in the area. But we see plenty of them on other occasions. For those who disliked my 'lifestyle choice' comment then there's deeper stuff there too. The ex paying off the mortgage has enabled a different lifestyle IMO and not one I would have wanted for her. But that wasn't what the thread was about.


So, shopping list: cucumber, orange, strawberries....would mint sauce do?:rotfl:

FBaby

Just to say that I can certainly understand deeply with my heart and I'm a mum not a SM! It must be quite hurl to hedge given to a child ask the things that their biological mother couldn't be bothered to ans then come and get all the rewards. Out of curiosity did she ever pay maintenance?Depending on the history I can understand tout would want nothing to do with her however don't display your anger/annoyance on the wrong person. I assume your SD doesn't feel any different for you she had just decided she also want a relationship with the person who was her some mother for the first 8 years of her life. What you definitely don't want is to let your feelings affect your relationship with her. Enjoy the barbecue with your family. By the way is the mother making herself spare it of respect for how tout guys feel about her?

duchy

You obviously helped raise your step-daughter very well as she is handling a minefield of parental relationships with grace.

Frankly with the attitude you are projecting you're lucky she even bothers inviting you. She's an adult not a child -and plenty of adult step-children would tell you to jog on if you refused to visit except under certain conditions.

Thirty years of not speaking to an ex you've had a child with is ridiculous. Your husband is obviously as petty as you are. Plenty of people manage to be civil to ex's for the sake of their children at family events. What a pity you can't manage it. You've probably missed out on many wonderful gatherings over the years.

As for whether she meant bought or brought- presumably you and your husband can take the blame for that one if her education was that lacking.......

As for you not approving of her lifestyle choices ...............none of your business- she's an adult. Speaking as a (real) parent. My job is to raise my child to adulthood and instill appropriate values but once he's an adult he makes his own choices . He'll make decisions for himself-if I've done a good job then he'll make good choices -if i haven't then maybe he won't- but they are his life choices to make and my job as the parent of an adult to respect those choices- even if they don't fit my ideal. It won't stop me loving him though. As an adult he certainly doesn't need my approval.

FBaby

Oops posted at the same time

KxMx

Sorry but why do you assume the lifestyle you wanted for SD is the one that would be best for her?

Sometimes what we want for our loved ones and feel is best and what is actually best for them are two different things!

GobbledyGook

I think it shows that your step-daughter feels close enough to you to know that you always bring wine so can ask if you mind bringing Pimms as it will fit better with the BBQ.

To put it into context my cousin has a step-mother and every Christmas she buys her perfume that cousin can't wear as her husband is allergic to it. She fears upsetting her SM that much she doesn't feel able to say anything..... Her SM has been in her life for over 20 years.

At least your SD feels able to ask things of you and doesn't tread on eggshells. In fact it struck me as the kind of thing you'd ask your Mum because Mum is really difficult to offend, doesn't mind if you are a wee bit cheeky and you know she'll tell you to wind your neck in if you get too cheeky. Surely if a step-child is treating you like they would a bio parent that's the biggest compliment?

maman

FBaby wrote: »

Just to say that I can certainly understand deeply with my heart and I'm a mum not a SM! It must be quite hurl to hedge given to a child ask the things that their biological mother couldn't be bothered to ans then come and get all the rewards. Out of curiosity did she ever pay maintenance?Depending on the history I can understand tout would want nothing to do with her however don't display your anger/annoyance on the wrong person. I assume your SD doesn't feel any different for you she had just decided she also want a relationship with the person who was her some mother for the first 8 years of her life. What you definitely don't want is to let your feelings affect your relationship with her. Enjoy the barbecue with your family. By the way is the mother making herself spare it of respect for how tout guys feel about her?

I don't really want to pursue the thread but thank you for your kind post. No, no maintenance. My issue is that the ex has taken advantage of DSDs kind nature when she was widowed and moved in with her when she could have bought her own property nearby and left the youngsters to their own life. I think it's just coincidence that she takes a holiday in June so the timing all fits in well with birthday and Fathers' Day.


But as duchy has told me she's an adult now and it's her choice how she lives her life. I respect her right to make those choices but it doesn't mean I have to agree with them. And I do keep my views to myself, except for on here which is a great way of letting off steam!


Incidentally I am a mum as well as a step-mum. Many of the comments (even the nastier ones) have put me into 'count your blessings' mode so thank you.

Georgiegirl256

maman wrote: »

. I think it's just coincidence that she takes a holiday in June so the timing all fits in well with birthday and Fathers' Day.

Isn't that a good thing though? What's wrong with that? You refuse to see her, so at least she's out of your way.

maman

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Isn't that a good thing though? What's wrong with that? You refuse to see her, so at least she's out of your way.

Absolutely. All I meant was that she doesn't need to 'make herself scarce' in response to FBaby's question.