I know it's petty but I'm feeling miffed.

maman

Just need to vent really so feel free to ignore.:o


Long story but the brief version: have brought up step daughter since she was 8, through school, college, university, marriage, new home, child etc etc. with all the support that's involved both financial and otherwise. About 5 years ago her birth mother was widowed and came to stay with her (having been largely absent for 30 years). DSD is a kind person and ended up with mum living with her although added advantage of her paying off their mortgage. We won't visit with the ex there, maybe silly but our choice.


We see DSD and family when they visit us or when we go out for the day. On these occasions we obviously host them in our own home and on days out we generally pick up tab for a meal. That's our pleasure.


Once or twice a year we get invited to their home, I'm assuming when the ex is away. Always around this coming weekend as it coincides with Fathers' Day and SILs birthday. SIL's parents come and some other family.


Today she's texted me saying 'would it be ok if you bought Pimms, lemonade and the fruit for it'? I think there's an irony in the grammatical error in that she really means brought rather than bought. Apparently she's asking everyone to bring something although I don't recall this happening before.


There's not much logic in how I'm feeling. Normally we'd take a couple of bottles of wine anyway as a hostess gift as we would for any similar invitation to friends or family. It's not about money as it'll probably cost about the same. But I feel miffed that we're being asked to 'pay' to visit our own daughter when generally we pay for everything else (albeit our own choice) and have been generous to a fault with her for 30 years+.


I can't discuss this with DH as he's touchy about the whole relationship and wouldn't do or say anything to rock the boat. I wouldn't say anything either it just makes me view her differently that she's expecting her own 'parents' to pay to visit her. I really don't think they're short of money either.


I know I'm being petty and this isn't worth worrying about but it feels like a slap in the face. Can anyone understand/empathise with how I'm feeling?

Nicki

I don't know if this helps or not, but I would only feel comfortable doing this with family and very close friends.

My inlaws are comfortably off, as are we, and when we visit each other have got into a habit recently of asking what we would like each other to bring as the hostess gift rather than turning up with the stock bottle of wine or bunch of flowers. Often it turns out to be "bring dessert for Friday night" or if over Christmas or Easter "bring one whole meal and cook it"

works for us and not a sign that we love another family member more

maman

Nicki wrote: »

I don't know if this helps or not, but I would only feel comfortable doing this with family and very close friends.

My inlaws are comfortably off, as are we, and when we visit each other have got into a habit recently of asking what we would like each other to bring as the hostess gift rather than turning up with the stock bottle of wine or bunch of flowers. Often it turns out to be "bring dessert for Friday night" or if over Christmas or Easter "bring one whole meal and cook it"

works for us and not a sign that we love another family member more

Thanks for the response.


Maybe you're right, I did think that maybe it's DSD trying to stage manage her BBQ and wanting the Pimm's lifestyle thing rather than just the usual wine.


I still feel that if that's what she wanted she could have bought (brought?;)) it herself though and just put our bottles on the wine rack for future use.

Brenny

No, don't think this is anything to be miffed about. In fact, I would be pleased to be asked to help (and, as Nicki said, would only ask close family/friends myself). BBQs are hard work for the ladies and I think your dsd is actually showing you how close she is to you by asking.

Hope you thoroughly enjoy the day!

Anatidaephobia

I'm afraid I don't really understand how your reaction. In my family, we often bring something to each other's house and we discuss it first and say things like "will you bring a bottle of X" or "I'm buying X, will you bring Y" and it's good because communication means that we have everything we need (rather than ending up with a half a dessert but three bottles of red wine that nobody will drink). It would be different if your step daughter was constantly expecting you to buy things for her but from the original post, it doesn't sound like that's the case. Also, she did say "would it be ok" so she's left it open for you to reply "No, sorry, I already have a bottle of wine ready for you, could you get the Pimms instead?" if you wanted to.

whitewing

She said, would it be okay...so I dont think it is thoughtless. I agree that it is a mark of respect that she is comfortable to ask.

princeofpounds

You're complaining about being asked to bring some Pimms for a BBQ?

Wow. Get over it.

It's perfectly normal for, on the odd occasion, for people to be specific about 'bring a bottle/dish'. It stops them ending up with a dozen bottles of wine and nothing else.

Obviously the correct thing to do is make it clear with the invite, not last minute, but this is hardly crime of the century.

Not sure what issue you have with Pimms 'lifestyle' either. It's just a drink that works with summer well. It's not even posh really, despite the tongue-in-cheek marketing spin.

The fact that you preambled this rather basic dinner party etiquette question with a load of stuff about birth mothers tells me that what is on your mind really is not fruit-flavoured gin-based beverages. Quite why you are even projecting from one issue to the other I don't know. But clearly the question you are asking is not really the question you really want to be asking.

Anatidaephobia

princeofpounds wrote: »

The fact that you preambled this rather basic dinner party etiquette question with a load of stuff about birth mothers tells me that what is on your mind really is not fruit-flavoured gin-based beverages. Quite why you are even projecting from one issue to the other I don't know.

I wondered about this too... I can't really see the connection but perhaps there is more to the story than we know so far. To me, it sounds like the step daughter is treating the step mother like a real mother and surely that's a lovely thing

specialboy

Same here, can't understand why you filled the thread up with incidental info when all you had to ask was 'is it cheeky to ask me to bring pimms'Seriously think you should take a chill pill and enjoy life.

moneysniffer

Get Austin's from Aldi, it's their Pimms substitute - I always use it and nobody can tell the difference. We're talking less than a tenner for Pimms and fruit. So probably less, or the same, as the two bottles of wine you normally take. Maybe she just doesn't fancy wine this time round. No biggie.

peachyprice

Sorry, I think it's a complete over-reaction. So she has an idea of a lovely afternoon drinking Pimms rather than wine, you're family, it would be a sorry state of affairs if she felt she couldn't ask you to bring one drink over another.

I don't know what all the other stuff is with the ex etc., perhaps that should be a separate thread, you obviously harbour deep resentment there.