I know it's petty but I'm feeling miffed.

newcook

Yes, it is petty. Usually when I get asked to go to a bbq I will always ask ‘is there anything you want me to bring?’ regardless of what occasion the bbq is for. Often if I have friends coming over and I have forgotten to buy something I will text and ask if they could bring it with them/pick it up along the way. Its just the way that me and my friends/family do things!

As for still ignoring the ex – I also think this is petty. Yes, she messed up years ago and will no doubt spend years making it up to her daughter but to say you wont ever go to SDS house if ex is there is pathetic. If anyone should bear a grudge it should be your SDS and she seems to be happy to let the bridges get built.
Life is too short to hate someone for so many years. I really think you should start tolerating being in the same room as the ex. You don’t have to speak, you don’t have to exchange eye contact but I really think for the sake of your SDS and grandchildren that that you should start to put the past where it belongs – in the past!

FBaby

How lovely pairs no maintenance for 10 years so hubby/you have to make up the difference to raise her to the best of your ability ans then she comes whizzing back with a ' look my darling what a great mum I am I'm giving you money so you don't have to have a mortgage.' Is you/hubby she should have been repaying. I certainly would not want to spend a minute of my life in the presence of someone like this that's for sure!

duchy

Or maybe Mum wasn't in a position to pay maintenance back then and paying off daughter's mortgage is a way of redressing the balance ?

With so much bitterness even thirty years down the line I wouldn't be judging anyone's actions -the important thing is the daughter has found a way through it all- No mean achievement with such bitterness about her mother from her father and stepmother.

Maybe Mum is more supportive of the "lifestyle choices" (whatever that means -I was thinking perhaps working in in something vocational rather than using a degree to earn a large salary in the corporate field). I could understand the OP's resentment if the release from paying a mortgage meant the SD could follow a dream even if it wasn't well paid-rather than remain in the rat-race even f I personally don't feel parents should resent a child not fufilling our personal dreams we have for our kids.

jetplane

maman wrote: »

The ex paying off the mortgage has enabled a different lifestyle IMO and not one I would have wanted for her. But that wasn't what the thread was about.

I think it probably was Is her lifestyle so bad and is it the kind of lifestyle your stepdaughter would have wanted for herself? I was going to ask if you had other children, but you have already answered. I wondered if there was any resentment around your stepdaughter having this opportunity while your other children may not?

FBaby wrote: »

Is you/hubby she should have been repaying. I certainly would not want to spend a minute of my life in the presence of someone like this that's for sure!

Well the stepdaughter clearly wants to spend time with her. Ultimately do we not just want the best for our children? Is it not a good thing that the stepdaughter feels loved by both mothers rather than feeling rejected?

OP enjoy your party and family gathering . Stepmother or not our children don't always turn out how we wish and sometimes we can only stand by while they make the mistakes we hoped they never would.

Caroline_a

A thought for you, OP. This might not be relevant as it might already have happened, but if your SD gets married, surely she will want both parents at her wedding? Or will you carry on this feud and refuse to go unless the ex doesnt go?

I speak as someone who has 2 ex husbands who paid a) little and b) nothing towards their children. Despite Husband #2 dragging me through court for custody (he didnt win), and generally making my life hell, I can take the high ground and be civil to him - for my daughter's sake. Husband #1 was less contentious, but again, I can have conversations with him when the girls have family parties.

You run the risk of ensuring that your SD spends her life trying to please both of you, giving her additional stress that I'm sure she doesn't need!

whitewing

At your BBQ, why don't you suggest to SD that you drop by occasionally and see what her response is. Or is it all so fraught still?

Isn't some of the stuff now simply fear that none of you will be able to handle what bubbles up? Why don;t you all accept that it may feel weird but try and at least be able to sit in the same room sometimes. Think how stressful it would be if something happened to a grandchild and SD had to juggle around who sees who and when. We were in that situation with my family and DH's mum, and in the end none of them saw their grandbaby on the day she was born as it was too difficult to handle the situation of them potentially being there at the same time.

FBaby

It's OP and her partner she should have repaid. It sounds like SD didn't miss out much from her own mother nor paying a penny. Funny how opinions are different when is fathers not contributing.

FBaby

SD might herself prefer to see her parents apart. My parents have been divorced forever out it feels like it and although very civil with each other even sending birthday cards I don't fancy seeing them both at the sane time. Did so at my wedding and that was more than enough!

repeatoffender

maman wrote: »

I don't really want to pursue the thread but thank you for your kind post. No, no maintenance. My issue is that the ex has taken advantage of DSDs kind nature when she was widowed and moved in with her when she could have bought her own property nearby and left the youngsters to their own life. I think it's just coincidence that she takes a holiday in June so the timing all fits in well with birthday and Fathers' Day.


But as duchy has told me she's an adult now and it's her choice how she lives her life. I respect her right to make those choices but it doesn't mean I have to agree with them. And I do keep my views to myself, except for on here which is a great way of letting off steam!


Incidentally I am a mum as well as a step-mum. Many of the comments (even the nastier ones) have put me into 'count your blessings' mode so thank you.

just perhaps - your DSD took advantage of her mother and had her mortage paid off. You know however badly a parent treats a child - it seems to make the child want them more. To have that parent come back and make amends might be a wonderful thing.

maman

Caroline_a wrote: »

A thought for you, OP. This might not be relevant as it might already have happened, but if your SD gets married, surely she will want both parents at her wedding? Or will you carry on this feud and refuse to go unless the ex doesnt go?

You run the risk of ensuring that your SD spends her life trying to please both of you, giving her additional stress that I'm sure she doesn't need!

We have been civil when essential. So when she was young, we made arrangements for the rare visits that she made. For DSDs wedding she was invited along with her parents. DH spoke to them I just spoke to other people instead. I remember DSD being furious with them as they made no effort to speak to anyone and when they did they were rude! I calmed her down/cheered her up and told her to just enjoy the day which we all did.


If something unavoidable happened again then I'd just be matter of fact with her but I'm not going to seek her company in any way.


I don't think DSD finds it stressful, I think she just accepts things for what they are. As I've said, she's a really kind and caring person. She's good to me but I think she sees me as strong but her mum (and her MIL too as it happens) as needy.

repeatoffender wrote: »

just perhaps - your DSD took advantage of her mother and had her mortage paid off. .

I think what happened was that she was invited to start with as DSD felt sorry for her as she was widowed and her own step children wanted to see the back of her (I think they thought she was a gold digger) so they bought her out of her interest in their father's estate. It was meant to be a temporary arrangement while she found somewhere to live. She was paying them some 'rent' I believe. Then she put it to SIL and he thought it was a great idea!