Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

I haven't said much about my dad so I thought I would tell his, rather sad story, too.

He was born in India and lived there until he was 11 as his father was stationed there. His father was an army captain, very strict and physically abusive. He was brought up believing families stuck together no matter what happened, his mother was often hit by his dad but she was horrified at the thought of divorce.

When he met my mother he was working for a building company while studying to be a doctor. He was very scientific and academic and had a future career planned for himself to support them both and their children. He was quite happy with my mother being unable to work because he believed women should stay at home and the man should provide. My mothers health worsened so he gave up his courses to spend more time with her and took on a full time job as a store manager at the building company. He would have that job for the rest of his working life.

My dad also had secrets and different ways of coping with his life. When I came along I became his co-conspirator. Whenever my mother spent time in hospital we would live an entirely different life, we would go to restaurants, visit his sister who I adored, go out for the day and he would take me into work with him. As soon as my mother came back home all of this stopped until the next time, we never told her what we did.

Looking after my mother took its toll on him and he began to become disturbed himself. Once I met him from work and he told me that we were going to play a game and pretend to mum that someone had stolen his bag. He buried it at the bottom of a bin. He told my mother how he was mugged and lost his keys and money, I played along with the game. On another occasion he said we were going to tell my mother that he was dizzy and he would pretend to fall down but I mustn't worry because it was just a game. He pretended he fainted and again, I said nothing. It made me feel special to be included in my dad's secrets. He also used to cry a lot but only with me. I think he did these things because he was extremely depressed and not coping well at all, he wanted something to be about him instead of my mother for a change. In a little girls way I understood and knew that he told me what was really happening so I wouldn't be scared.

By the time I was 10 I became very angry at him. My mother was abusing me then and although I knew he didn't know I didn't understand why he didn't save me. I would yell at him because he was a safe person to release my feelings on, I would never show anger with my mother because she would hurt me. For the rest of our relationship things were very fraught with me being angry a lot of the time and my dad being angry back because my emotions were yet another thing for him to juggle. At this point his mental health became worse. He would wake me at night to look at shadows on the wall which he said were people living their lives in different universes, somehow I convinced myself that I could see them, too. I wanted to.

My dad also had affairs. There were two that I know of, one with my primary school teacher and one with his bosses secretary. Despite our anger towards each other we still shared secrets, I knew and I never told my mother. I never saw him as disloyal, in fact by the age of 12 a lot of my anger with him was because he wouldn't move us both away from her. But my dad believed like his parents that marriage was for life no matter what, it was his job to provide for my mother and he always did that even though they hadn't had a real marriage for many years.

My father committed suicide on my 13th birthday. He had severe heart failure by then and had a blood clot in his leg which meant it had to be amputated below the knee. I remember him crying in hospital to me saying there was no point to him because he couldn't provide for us anymore and who would look after my mother now? He came home from hospital 2 days before my birthday and was very withdrawn. He no longer saw a reason to go on.

I don't believe my dad had mental illness in the same way as my mother and I. Time and stress and depression took its toll, he wouldn't admit that he couldn't cope with my mother and bringing up a child almost single-handedly and slowly his grip on reality lessened. Despite being angry with him as a child I have no bad feelings towards my dad. He tried his best with what he had.

whitewing

Ok, that's a deal although I don't really know why you are putting it off. I do understand how deeply ashamed you feel but we have all told you that you don't need to feel ashamed.

Lecture over.

Today I took DD out to a new group. One of the other mums there got DD to hold hands with her own daughter, while we adults left. I can only remember feeling lonely at school (although I did have some friends). So I was ridiculously pleased. DD was wearing her pretty clothes and had her hair brushed with a pretty bracelet. And it struck me that I had felt awkward and ugly because I had been dressed by someone who didn't care with she or I looked like. So much of how appealing or attractive or welcoming we are is purely based on how we value and look after ourselves. My MIL can look fantastic on a tiny amount of money because she is confident about what she likes and accepting of her imperfections.

Apart from your hair, WaS, what else have you been complimented on body-wise over the years?

whitewing

If you knew your dad did not know about the abuse, why did you not tell him? Were you scared that he would think it was your fault? Or that he would stop loving you? Or that it would be worse him knowing if he did nothing?

It sounds like both your parents had a huge amount to contend with. I hope that your thread helps to destigmatise mental illness so that people can ask for help earlier and that children suffer much less.

jobbingmusician

WaS, that is really sad and actually your dad sounds lovely - I can sort of see the real him shining through as he gradually got worn away. I'm sure he loved you very much xxxxx

ww - there were two other people on this thread who said they had very low self esteem. Was one of them you? I wondered whether that related to you feeling that you were dressed by someone who didn't take pride in your (or their) appearance. (My mum was a bit like that as well but I think my self-esteem is more or less OK.)

My husband always says (about himself) 'I've got an inferiority complex. And it's not even a very good one.'

Waves_and_Smiles

My appearance has always been an issue to me. My mother would choose very unfashionable clothes for me and I wasn't allowed to dress like other children. I didn't own a pair of jeans until I was 16, all skirts and dresses had to come just below the knee and trousers were for boys. I was teased a lot for my appearance by other children and also overweight which didn't help. When I was 19 I completely rebelled and became a goth! It was the first time that I was happy with my appearance. I continued to be a goth all the way through university and then became sort of hippy by the time I started work( think long floaty tops and blouses and lots of beads). I had lost all of the weight and was the happiest that I had ever felt about my body. I actually believe I looked good back then and got a lot of compliments on my appearance.

I didn't tell my dad about the abuse because my mother always told me that it was my fault. She made me pray for forgiveness afterwards and hold The Bible and admit to God that I was a sinner. I was terrified my dad would abandon me if he knew the truth. Also in a way I am glad that I didn't tell him. He was already under so much pressure that knowing that may have pushed him over the edge far sooner, I am not at all sure that he would have coped with it.

I do agree, whitewing. I wish my dad had asked for help. He was very proud, though and he defined himself as a carer and provider for his family. In a lot of ways it would have been easier for all of us if he told someone what all 3 of our lives were like but he would have seen that as a huge failure on his behalf.

Waves_and_Smiles

...And just like that into psychosis. One of my friends, friends has just told her that her dad has died of cancer. He has been ill for a while. My friend is upset as she knew him too. Now I want to say I am sorry, I didn't mean to make it happen. I know it isn't true, I know I couldn't have caused his death but my emotions are as if I was responsible. I feel huge guilt and as if our friendship will never be the same because of what I have done.

This will pass. It is a trigger because of my parents suicide and me being subsequently blamed for their death. Knowing that does nothing to stop me feeling guilt and blame and helplessness. My friend is talking to me about it and I am being there for her, I won't let her know my thoughts and feelings because that would be very selfish and there is no way that I would let her down when she needs me. So I am telling everyone here instead.

elsien

Oh WaS that's so sad. That you can carry on being a good friend and being supportive while your head is telling you other things.
Your friendship will be fine because you are talking to your friend.
Is there anything you find helps you deal with the feelings?

Pyxis

Reading your father's story, I can see that, even though you may have inherited your mother's psychoses, you have obviously inherited your father's intelligence and also his personality. He sounds like a very kind man, to the extent that he gave up his own dreams and aspirations to look after your mother.
I expect you gave him a lot of joy, and I'm sure he saw your pre-adolescent anger as just that.
I'm glad you have some nice memories of him. :A

dibuzz

I also have low self esteem, my PWP spotted it quite quickly and my next therapist will work on it more. I've never felt good enough.

Waves_and_Smiles

He was a very nice man, very proud and old fashioned but completely dedicated to my mother and I. When he married her it really did mean to him until one of them were no longer alive, and no matter how bad it was he supported her completely even if that was at the expense of his own dreams. I often wonder how different his life would have been if he could have qualified as a doctor as he wanted. I bet he would have been a very good one.