Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you so much, I really am not all that brave, honestly I just try to get through in one piece (or many I say as I glance at the others inside).

Imagine the next in a tiny, pathetic whisper: I really didn't kill Rik Mayall, did I?

Now I am going to flee in embarrassment...

jobbingmusician

NO YOU DIDN'T. And don't believe anyone who tells you otherwise.

(((((((((WAS))))))))

And actually I don't think you killed your parents either. And I can only imagine how distressing it must be to have been told that you were responsible for their suicides. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE.

I'm sure I'll have to say it again.... be kind to yourself

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you for making me laugh at the large, bold writing, I needed that. I am almost certain that I didn't kill him (or my parents for that matter) but there is always that niggling doubt at times like this. In a few days I will realise how ridiculous it sounds...

I almost deleted that post as soon as I had made it but if people might be reading this thread to understand more about mental illness and not to feel alone if they suffer with it then it isn't fair to edit out the bad parts and only leave the bits where I am doing well. So I shall leave it and hopefully look back and think how silly I was in a few days.

I am still working on that kindness thing, it is harder than any of my mental illnesses combined...

Waves_and_Smiles

Just to stir things up a little the stress of going out yesterday has caused a psoriasis flare. My face currently resembles craters of the moon crossed with major sunburn. Co-morbid conditions are...annoying. It is also between my fingers which makes them sore and cracked so it is difficult to hold anything or type. I am also currently trying very hard not to scratch everywhere at once which is not easy! I notice it has also flared on my legs and scalp but at least that isn't so obvious, right now I am rather pleased that I do not see anyone outside of my carer and partner. My carer felt that if it continues that I should go to my GP and get some of the super-pills and cream that finally knocks it into submission, I am hoping a phone call to beg for a prescription will suffice as I simply cannot face leaving my flat twice in one week. Besides, men will will faint, women will weep and babies will scream at the sight of me...

jobbingmusician

I do love your sense of humour. 'men will will faint, women will weep and babies will scream at the sight of me...' :rotfl: Very sorry to hear about the psoriasis flare though.

worried_and_scared wrote: »

I almost deleted that post as soon as I had made it but if people might be reading this thread to understand more about mental illness and not to feel alone if they suffer with it then it isn't fair to edit out the bad parts and only leave the bits where I am doing well. So I shall leave it and hopefully look back and think how silly I was in a few days.

I am still working on that kindness thing, it is harder than any of my mental illnesses combined...

You really are an angel, and very brave. THANK YOU for being so open about your illness - I am going to recommend that a lot of people read this thread! And yes, keep working on the kindness to yourself. You are doing a lot for others in this thread - remember to treat yourself the same way.

In case it helps - I've worked with other people who needed the 'NO YOU DIDN'T' treatment. It used to be true that mental health services were HOPELESS with people who heard voices. The services thought they were there to try to silence the voices. The voice-hearers wanted people to talk to them about what the voices said, and found this the most helpful thing. A sudden thought - you do know about the hearing voices network, don't you? (Google them, if not!)*

*All this paragraph may be very basic stuff to you, but I'm increasingly realising that loads of people are reading, and being helped by, this thread!

Primrose

Have you tried E45 cream for the psoriasis? It may help at least help remove some of the itchy dryness.

Waves_and_Smiles

I tend to cope through humour and apologise to anyone who reads this in advance if they find it offensive. I would never intentionally offend anyone but I have no problem with describing myself as mad as a box of frogs, the days of woe is me are long behind me and I am glad of that. Besides, some of it is funny. Having a mini-breakdown over a forgotten towel the other day is a prime example.

When I started this I was just lonely and didn't really expect people to come back and read more. If it helps people as well as me I will carry on mentioning my experiences, although I don't want to appear self-indulgent. There is so little known about the more severe mental illnesses and I find that sad, also people tend to think that people then become their illnesses and that isn't true. I have all the same qualities and faults as I have always had, they may not always show as much on bad days but I am still very much the me that I always was and desperately want to be seen as that. Yes, I have mental health conditions but I also have high blood pressure for example, that doesn't change the real me and neither does this, I just get locked inside it sometimes but if you wait for me I will come back.

I would highly recommend the Hearing Voices Network. I have spoken to them myself on occasion and they are nothing but understanding and helpful. What's more there are people there who hear voices themselves, they know just what it is like.

You are totally correct about how professionals used to view the voices, for years people tried to stop mine. At one stage I was on such a high dose of medication that I would sleep for 16 hours a day and then just sit staring into space when I woke up. I became doubly incontinent as I just wasn't aware that I needed to go and couldn't manage to string a sentence together, I was just far too foggy and confused. I wouldn't eat or wash unless told to and guided through it, it removed any urge to do anything. The worse part? The voices and the inner world were still there! All the medication did was lock me inside with them so that I couldn't even distract myself, I was extremely suicidal at the time.

I spoke about the at the time, ground-breaking therapy that I had. This had hardly been tried and was only used for patients unresponsive to drugs. Instead of trying to stop the voices, through the use of almost guided meditation I went into the inner world and met them. I discovered that many of the children who I had heard crying for years held my emotions of when I was abused. I had accepted abuse as a part of my life and was stoic and calm during it, I would numb all of my feelings and refuse to let it affect me. These children inside remembered what had happened and felt everything for me. I learnt to comfort them and therefore learnt to comfort myself as of course they are all part of me. It is a technique I still use to this day and it has helped immeasurably.

ETA I am currently an E45 slippery snake! I am lucky that I don't just slip off the sofa. The dryness is a huge problem, my face is literally flaking onto my shoulders. But this will pass like everything does, well at least until two weeks time when I get in a mess at going outside again...

Waves_and_Smiles

Oh, and now my partner has innocently mentioned Rik Mayall. I was trying my hardest to push any thought of the poor man away. Now, lets all repeat together, I did not kill him, I did not kill him...

Also I can stop panicking that I am about to die at any second because I murdered him and my death is my own punishment. Give me a break brain...

Pyxis

Thank you, worried and scared, for those further insights. I am sorry to hear about the psoriasis on top of everything.
Your post was certainly not offensive in any way. Equally, it was not self-indulgent either, simply matter of fact, and once again, calming in its descriptive qualities. I cannot get over how well your threads read.

May I ask, do you have a high IQ? I would guess that you do. I don't know why I asked that! Nosey, I expect!

Waves_and_Smiles

I do have a high IQ, 156 to be precise although I don't talk about it much as it sounds as if I am boasting and it certainly isn't everything. Academia has always been very easy for me although I am not practical at all. I can proof-read something with little problem, if I try to change a plug I am likely to electrocute myself. Both of my parents also had very high IQ's but didn't use them to further their careers. My mother was offered a place at grammar school but my grandmother refused to allow her to join as she felt education was pointless and something for the 'upper-classes' (this view later continued to me and her opinion of my education). So my mother worked as secretary and then had to stop working at the age of 21 when she became mentally ill. My grandmother 'found' my dad and quickly pushed them together and they were married 6 months later, my mother never worked again. My father worked as storeman in a building company for his whole life although he could have easily achieved more for himself. His life was spent caring for my mother and later for me though so he simply never had the time.

Never worry about asking questions, it stops me believing that I am boring people to tears. I am very concious that this all about me, me, me and the only reason that I have kept it going so far is that it might be helping other people. I have always been rather shy although for the time I was well I was able to cover it up to enable to deal with situations with professionals and staff within my work, I would just be quietly cowering in a corner in my mind. I am also (granted pleasantly) surprised when someone tells me that I have done something well, my self-confidence has always been low and I knew from childhood that I didn't really fit in with societies norms. I remember my therapist assuring me that eccentric people were interesting when I was 14 so I was even a bit odd back then! But if I am interesting/helping/amusing people by writing here I will continue to do so when I can, I have always wanted to help people my entire life and as many therapists have told me a major part of my personality is a need to be needed. It makes me useful which a lot of the time I don't feel at all.