Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

Hello bobble_hat (I like bobble hats), what a lovely thing to say! Everytime someone posts that this has helped them or that they find it interesting it makes me smile, I might even allow myself to believe that I am not so useless after all.

Do take time to appreciate the little things and just stand and pause and look around you. You honestly don't realise how much you miss things until they are no longer available to you. Right now I am looking out of the window on a bright sunny day at the large tree across the street from me. I wonder what it feels like to touch and how it would feel to stand in its shade. I have lived here for 6 years and never managed to touch that tree, right now I think being able to do so would be all that I want in the world.

Thank you Primose, it is hard for people to tell what is like to be mentally ill as there are no obvious signs a lot of the time and when there are they can be very frightening to observe. Largely though I am still like everyone else, I still have the same emotions, fears and hopes as many. I am still the person that I was before I became ill, this just distorts who I am sometimes but not permanently. Also something important to remember is that ones mental illness is as individual as ones personality. Aspects of who you are become exaggerated and it is not the same for any two people. For me I have always had a fear of being hated and of hurting others so all of my conditions centre around that, for someone else it could centre around totally different fears. It is important to get to know the person and the personality behind the illness before understanding how it affects them, something that is still a very new approach in psychiatry as previously it was one size fits all.

heartbreak_star

If you will allow it, I would like to give you an internet *hug*. I will keep reading your posts as it's helping me understand what it's like to have a mental health issue.

Thank you again.

HBS x

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, H_S, an internet hug is very welcome, thank you.

I am glad that is helping you understand more, I also hope that by reading this people might begin to think that it isn't so odd or different. Really as I said my illnesses are an extension of the person I always have been, different aspects of my fears come to the forefront and influence my thoughts, behaviour and emotions but they are all very much part of the person I am. I think of myself as a person with mental illness rather than a mentally ill person, who I am comes first everytime.

I think for my next ESA and PIP forms that I will just send a link to this thread! Not really, but it would be amusing...

Waves_and_Smiles

A snippet from my day - a 'spider' just ran across my dinner plate causing me to jump and throw the whole thing all over the floor. My partner and I couldn't do anything but stare at the mess and burst out laughing. Thanks brain, I was looking forward to that...

marisco_2

worried_and_scared wrote: »

I think of myself as a person with mental illness rather than a mentally ill person, who I am comes first everytime.

That is a fantastic outlook.

UKTigerlily

Hi worried and scared,

Reading this is really helping me! I find having Borderline Personality Disorder alone so hard to deal with (Bipolar too but that is ok for now) so to read how positive you are and how amazingly you do is such an inspiration!

Thank you!

jobbingmusician

Sorry that I've been away from this thread for a couple of days, but I've just read avidly to come back up to date. You are doing a good job trying to be kind to yourself. Just remember you are those little children inside yourself that need loads of hugs and cuddles - I have a lovely vision of you cuddling your inner self, and then a more outer self cuddling that, then another version of you cuddling that, and then another one - then somehow the outermost one turns the whole thing around so that as well as cuddling, that one is being cuddled by the little tiny innermost one. Every aspect of you supporting every other aspect! I suppose that's what really excellent mental health is, in a way (not that ANYONE has it) - every part of you integrated and supporting every other part. We can all aspire to that ((((()))))

heartbreak_star

It seems that your partner is very much on your wavelength and I think that's a really good thing!

I am sad to say that due to my lack of understanding I fear I was unkind to my ex-OH who has depression. We have cleared the air since we split, and he says I was more supportive than I thought, but he believed we just really weren't on the same wavelength. At that point, I decided to try and understand more.

(Just out of interest - we're actually better off apart as I used to fuss when he wanted to be left alone, there were financial difficulties etc. I'm just glad he's OK )

HBS x

Waves_and_Smiles

You were probably far more supportive than the you think H_S, depression takes its toll on those around the person with condition too. When I was severely depressed I admit that I wasn't easy to be around. Everything was bleak to me, I snapped when I shouldn't have, I remember screaming at my partner and pulling chunks of my hair out as I sobbed and accused him of having an affair. What caused this? he was just 15 minutes late home. I am glad that your relationship is better now whatever its form, it is very easy to get caught up in the life of someone with depression and stop seeing the wood for the trees. Physical and emotional distance can help as can trying to remember that the person is still there trapped inside of their personal darkness.

Thank you everyone else, I am so glad it is helping people, it is really helping me too! Jobbingmusician, sometimes it feels like that in the inner world when the voices are bad and everyone is upset. We all cling to each other, and wait out the storm. I remember a therapist asking me once if my desire was to remove the others, of course not, why should I? They are aspects of me in the same way that everyone has different aspects of themselves, mine are just a little more split which they had to become for me to survive. I am deeply grateful to them, they took the pain when it was too much for me and kept it away from me so that I could go on, I cherish them all.

Today an electrician arrived to change the smoke alarms. This is a Very Bad Thing. My carer opened the door for him and I spent the whole visit hidden in the bathroom, I cannot bear people I know other than my 3 people and my carer coming into my home let alone a complete stranger. The fire alarm is right above my head...

A lot of people with schizophrenia feel as if they are being watched and monitored, often by electronic devices. I am no different to this. I question whether there is a camera in the fitting, a microphone, a device to monitor my heartbeat. At this point my own personal schizophrenia diverts into a personality based disorder. Because of how I naturally am I don't think of all of the cliches such as the government or aliens watching me, that is by far a media presentation of schizophrenia and it is usually far more diverse than that. I simply think it is the landlord trying to find a reason to evict me because he doesn't like me and I am horrid and not worthwhile of living in his properties. The self-hatred is a running theme.

Rationally I know this isn't true, it is just a plain old boring (and very cheap!!) smoke alarm. However i have images in my mind of him watching me on film, of laughing with his friends at my day to day life, of mocking me and belittling me. The images won't stop, I can hear his scornful laughter in my mind. I look up at the smoke alarm frequently and pull my hair over my face to hide it. My anxiety scale is at 8, the palms of my hands are dripping wet from panic, my head is thumping. Today is going to be difficult.

bobble_hat

Now, I don't have any experience of your situation and although you are very eloquent, I cannot begin to imagine how your mind reacts to situations and I'm no psychologist, but I come from a perspective of someone who lived with a verbally abusive, and occasionally, physically abusive mother. My method of dealing with it was very much a screw you attitude.

And I'm just thinking about your day ahead with the smoke alarm, would it help you to pull funny faces, a moonie draw random pictures and place them under it, because then you are taking control of what the 'camera' sees. Logically you know that your thoughts of big brother watching are not real, so logically you know that your reaction to these thoughts that plague you won't have an effect, so logically you can play this game. Or will that panic you more and will you feel worried about the consequences...

It's just a thought to enable you to take control yourself, but maybe this may make it worse, as I've said I don't know what sort of implications this would have for your coping strategies...

It would be interesting to know what you think, I hope the smoke alarm doesn't stress you out too much, try not to dwell on it.