Just needed to be heard for a little while

oldestgnome

Humour is an excellent coping mechanism and can help everyone at times!


I am certainly guilty of being nosey too

I found the descriptions of your personal experiences of how medication usage and changes in treatment have developed over the years fascinating.

There is the old adage that life would be very boring if everybody was normal. Of course in addition what by anybody's definition is normal? We all would come up with different answers if asked to describe it.

I hope that you find writing on this thread or on MSE in general is beneficial for you. It is for me. And it is clear from the other comments that other people feel the same way too. I am finding your straight forward approach and clear descriptions of your different conditions and life experiences useful.

Everyone's mantra should be to be kind to yourself and others

Pyxis

Thank you. I thought as much!

You ARE helping people, so don't stop posting! I feel sure that for every poster on this thread, there are three or four more who are 'lurking'. (I dislike that term! It sounds a bit furtive! I'd prefer 'watching' or 'hovering'!)
And yes, you are being useful. A lot of people with mental health problems cannot explain themselves as well as you, so you are speaking for those voiceless sufferers, and allowing them to be understood. What a gift you have!

Waves_and_Smiles

Nosey is more than welcome! I have spent so many years talking about my experiences to professionals (everytime I see a new therapist or psychiatrist they request a new history to be taken and I am into double figures on both) that it has had the advantage of allowing me to straighten things in my mind and learn to be as descriptive as I can be. Also by often repeating the same scenarios a lot of the emotion is removed so it is far easier to be matter of fact and concise. There are aspects of my past that are still very difficult to speak about which may make them come over as confused but I will answer as honestly as I can, it also helps me lose some of the shame that I have for things that I blame myself for.

I have seen a lot of changes in the treatment of mental illness, on occasion finding myself the guinea pig for them. Things have improved tremendously compared to even 10 years ago but we still have a way to go yet. Certainly on the bright side I haven't been told "You are ill and cannot judge what is good for you" and then had my opinion totally dismissed for a few years, that is certainly one approach that needs to be lost for good.

I am actually finding it beneficial to write here, hopefully someone else might find my writing beneficial too (which they do seem to be!). I am just rather surprised that I began writing this in the first place, I have kind of fallen into it really!

Pyxis

worried_and_scared wrote: »

I am actually finding it beneficial to write here, hopefully someone else might find my writing beneficial too (which they do seem to be!). I am just rather surprised that I began writing this in the first place, I have kind of fallen into it really!

Yes, it's interesting how the right moment comes along, a combination of being in the right mood, with the right energy level, the right amount of time available, the right amount of sunshine, etc! And suddenly you see an opportunity and the jigsaw pieces start falling into place!

oldestgnome

Sometimes you just happen to hit on a something that is right at that time - when that happens it's a good thing.

Waves_and_Smiles

To mutilate a well-known quote - Here there be spiders. Or... not really.

Aracnophobes look away!

I see them on the walls, in the cupboards, running across the laptop, on the floor, even on me. Fat ones, skinny ones, big ones, little ones, I am sure I just saw a purple one. But you know what? This is OK. I was expecting a reaction after going out and here it is. My anxiety on my CBT scale is holding at a steady 5/10 and I just have to wait until it stops.

This used to be far worse however. I had a huge phobia of them and when I began to hallucinate them, things became almost impossible. The most memorable time is fleeing my home at 1am in the morning and sitting at a bus stop until morning when my partner came home, I literally couldn't be in the house if one was there. perceived or otherwise.

At the time therapy for phobia's wasn't allowed on the NHS but one of my favourite psychiatrists took pity on me and decided to sneak it into one of our sessions. For the 3 weeks prior to the session I had to look at photos of them as much as I could stand to, pushing myself to look for a little longer every day. On the day of the therapy my psychiatrist told me that he would cure me of my phobia in 5 hours, I laughed nervously and said impossible. He told me that I had to observe, listen to what he said and force myself to take tiny steps forward and that I wasn't allowed to leave the room no matter what, even for a bathroom break. He had brought 3 spiders with him and placed the smallest in a shoe box on his lap and used to the end of pen to push it back into the box if it tried to escape, he did nothing more than do this while I watched. After a while I felt myself begin to relax a little and looked more closely. He pointed out how it cowered from the pen, how easy it was to push it back into the box and how much stronger humans are then spiders. He also pointed out that I had sat in the room with one for an hour and nothing bad had happened. He asked me if I would like to sit in front of him and use another pen to push the spider back into the box, nervously I did so. This continued until eventually I agreed to put the box on my own lap and do the same as him. He constantly pointed out how scared the spider was, how helpless, how easily damaged, he made me really look at it and see one for the first time.

We continued the same pattern with the other 2 spiders ending with the biggest. By now I was pushing it very gently into the box, feeling as if I didn't want to hurt anything so fragile, I had been doing this for 3 hours. He walked over and knelt in front of me and put his hand in the box and let the spider run over his hand as he told me that they can only run for a short time or their hearts would stop, they were small, weak and vulnerable compared to us. I placed one finger into the box. Gradually I was able to place my whole hand inside and as it run over my hand he told me to feel how light it was, how easily I could kill it and how I was now the master of its universe. During the last 30 minutes I sat there letting it run between my fingers, marvelling at how delicate it felt, knowing that if I wanted I could end its life at any moment and yes, feeling fondness for it. I then took all 3 outside and thanked them for their help, wished them a good life and released them.

I have never been afraid of spiders again and he was correct, it took 5 hours to remove a lifetime phobia and it was the most amazing therapy that I have ever had. So here there be spiders, but that's ok.

Primrose

That is a lovely story about the spiders. It just shows how we can all overcome many of our fears if we have the courage to confront them in baby steps. Do you think you might be able to reinvent this exercise to get yourself to the point where you could face getting outdoors for a few steps? If you have proved strong enough to confront and defeat one phobia, perhaps you can have a similar success with another one?

It is such a lovely sunny day today and a shame you can't be outside feeling the sun on your face for a few moments and taking in all that lovely free Vitamin D.

Waves_and_Smiles

Good afternoon Primrose!

All phobia therapy works much the same way, assessing your level of anxiety and then moving slightly forward and then waiting until it calms again before taking the next step. I would advocate that anyone with a phobia tries it, it honestly feels like magic when it works. I can pick up spiders now and take them outside, my only fear is that I might hurt them in doing so. It honestly changed my life and it only took 5 hours to make a difference.

Going outside is complicated because unlike Agoraphobia my fear isn't of being in the open air or in unfamiliar places. I am afraid of people. I tend to get myself into such a state that I believe that they can read my memories and see all the bad things I have ever done and then telepathically transmit those to others until eventually everyone hates me and wants to hurt me. Of course it isn't rational, right now I know that it isn't true at all but the more anxious I become the harder it is to hold onto logic and the terror takes over. I have fainted from sheer panic on occasions and almost always end up in floods of tears telling them that I am sorry and asking them to leave my mind when I do have to go out. On one memorable occasion I ended up running up to some poor man in the street and begging his forgiveness and begging him to stop reading my thoughts. I am not very proud of that one at all...

However, I do not dismiss trying at a later date. I was given a brand new therapy to help me cope with the voices that worked incredibly well, before that it was a drug regime only which was like being dead whilst alive. New therapies and approaches are being invented all of the time and I would completely cooperate with any that I was offered. Perhaps for now, no one knows how to deal with it but that doesn't mean that they won't tomorrow and I may get to feel the sun on my face again.

Contrary to what others may think of those in my position I am a glass half full kind of person, I believe that something will eventually change for the better and I will be the first in line saying try it out on meeee!

ETA: I am aware that I keep mentioning the bad things that I have done. Although these things seem unforgivable to me because I simply do not forgive myself for anything, the level of bad I describe refers to things like being angry, being abrupt, embarrassing myself and others, etc. I have never hurt anyone physically and never would, also I try to be as kind to others as I can be. I just needed to say that in case anyone thought I had the past of a knife wielding maniac!

This where jobbingmusician appears and tells me to be kind myself. I know, I know, I am trying...

bobble_hat

Hi worried and scared, I just wanted to say 'Hello', as I'm reading your thread and it would be rude not to.

I've not read all the way through yet, but you are very brave, articulate and coping incredibly well with your 'lot', I think this thread would be an excellent starting point for your autobiography, I would await it's publication with great interest. I hope that it has already been of help to you, it sounds like it is being read by the kind and thoughtful people on this forum. You are an inspiration, and I intend to take time to appreciate what is around me, so please know you are helping people out in the real world right now.

Primrose

W&S. Thank you for explaining. I guess it might be something like that but always worth a try. I wish you could forgive yourself for your "bad" characteristics for in essence they are probably no worse than anybody else's and I'm sure much of the time you realise that too. Your explanations have been very enlightening to those of us who have never suffered from a serious mental health issue and sometimes find it difficult to understand what is going on in somebody else' s mind when in appearance they seem no different from somebody else. I can imagine how hard it must be sometimes to try and shake all these issues off and hope that one day things will turn themselves around for you.