Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

I completely understand what you mean about your reaction to your husbands mother. It took me over 10 years to be able to interact other than superficially with my partners mother. I immediately had a distrust and didn't have any idea how I was supposed to behave, my own experiences of a mother were nothing like the norm. Eventually I got to know her as a person on my own and she became my carer for years and I think the world of her now. But initially I didn't understand his relationship with her or indeed anyone's relationship with their mother at all.

My mother and I shared no bond at all. When I was born she was kept away from me as she told the nurses that I wasn't her child. I bonded with my dad instead. I carried a lot of guilt and still do to an extent about her as I always knew that she was very ill but now I know that it didn't excuse her behaviour. She had countless opportunities to take medication and attend hospitals to help herself but would agree with her mother that neither needed 'strangers' as long as there was family. I broke out of that which is why her side of the family hated me.

whitewing

That is similar with my mum, although she did not have so many opportunities to even acknowledge that there may be something wrong with her. She was very controlled by my father. She would not even call 999 if her bed was on fire without his permission. And he would probably pretend he had not heard. BTW, this is a fictional example.

Waves_and_Smiles

I am 45 now but inside I stopped aging at 25 and have remained that age. If I look into a mirror in there I look entirely different too.

I have no idea what happened in those 9 months and no idea who was there. It may have been several people taking it in turns. Interestingly Cas says she knows but it is not in my interests for me to find out as I would then get those memories back. Obviously as these people are all reflections of me on some level I do know but I have blocked myself from accessing the memories. I know that my mother was very disturbed after my fathers death so it is possible that something happened that I feel threatened my life so I 'went away' to safety. It is one of my biggest frustrations but part of me obviously feels it would be more damaging for me to know what happened.

My mother had many physical conditions as well as mental health ones ( and I inherited most of them). When I was 19 and ready to go to university my grandmother told me that it was out of the question as I needed to be my mothers carer and I could lose all of my ideas about having my own life. At that point I was suicidal and realised that it was either mine or my mothers life, I wouldn't have survived another year caring for her. So I walked away from them all. I later discovered that as I had expected my mother stopped taking all of her medication for every illness and stopped washing herself, cooking, etc. She was hospitalised and then placed into a home. Two days later she suicided. I carry a lot of guilt over that but if I had stayed I would only have extended her life for a year at most as I would have suicided too, so as painful as it is I cannot fault my decision.

I have had OCD since a child too. I used to count everything and had to thank everything - traffic lights, pavements for letting me walk on them. I have always routines that I need to strictly follow and I get very distressed if they are broken. The worse OCD I have is that I become aware of my swallowing and cannot stop doing so every few seconds, that can keep me awake for over 48 hours because I just cannot stop. The anti-depressant pill I take makes it a little more managable but I still have to do certain things and count everything.

I am not allowed pets under my tenancy unfortunately. I have had cats though where I lived before. I had one that I brought up from 4 weeks old until she died and I loved her more than anything. My cats kept me functioning too because I knew that I had to stay in this world to keep them fed and safe. I would love to have more one day.

I can watch films but I can't listen to them. Dialogue tends to trigger the voices in my head and then I get confused between which is which. Sometimes I can use subtitles though.

whitewing

No, I do not fault your decision either. I think you should try to let that guilt wash away with the raindrops.

I hope there does become huge strides of progress in mental health understanding and treatment so that your niece has a better life then her previous generations.

I read a good book about OCD http://www.amazon.com/Life-Rewind-Courageous-Persevered-Harvard/dp/B0055X6664

Worth a read if you have not come across it before.

Tahlullah

Were you at your happiest age 25? And do you look like you at all in the other world, or someone completely different? If someone different, is it someone you knew?

How often do you go into the other world when your partner and your carers are around? It is something that only happens during periods of stress, like being on your own? Is your sleep pattern also poor when he is there?

I suppose I am asking a lot of questions trying to get a handle on how you cope on a daily basis. Sorry for the nosyness, but I guess that without a full understanding, how can someone be of help to another?

Do you have a period in your life, minus poor health and mentall illness, when you were happy, just you and the world was this one and you wanted to be in it, a part of it?

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you so much for the book link, I shall try to get hold of a copy. I still carry a lot of guilt over my mother, she accused me of driving my dad to suicide and pointed out how he would still be alive if I had never been born and then often told me that I was planning her death too. I did think she might die if I left but I was hoping authorities would step in and help her. Sadly they couldn't stop her suicide. One of the voices in my head is her screaming at me that I murdered her and that I am worthless and soon everyone will realise. Sometimes she just laughs hysterically at me.

I don't mind questions Tahlullah, it makes me feel useful to help people understand more. Mental illness is still hidden away in our society today and I would like to see that change. I carry a lot of shame and guilt but not about my illnesses, they are part of me and make up who I am. Perhaps my answers might be useful to someone else feeling alone. It is also quite nice that people are interested, I feel very boring and dull because I don't actually do anything from day to day so it is nice to think people are actually curious. I do apologise for the length of my replies but I worry that I don't make myself understood so tend to say more rather than less. You can imagine my DLA and ESA forms, I think the assessor likely lost the will to live halfway through...

The problem with the other world is although it happens more when I am under stress it can happen at any time. Apparently my eyes go blank and I sit very still and cannot hear people speaking to me. This is obviously a problem when doing household things hence I need carers in case I burn the house down or something. My grip on this world can be very tenuous some days and I find it hard to stay here no matter who is here or what is happening, other times I will slip into what my psychiatrist calls a fugue state where I see the inner world superimposed over this one so I might be eating toast here but I will believe that I am doing so inside and all I will see is the layout of the inner rooms.

Yes, 25 was the age when I was working as a residential care manager, between coming to terms with the PTSD of my past and the discovery of schizophrenia. Between 21 and 25 were the happiest years of my life, I had a job I loved, I had just met my partner and I had many friends. I finally felt alive and as if I had my whole life before me and that it could be anything I wished, I rarely visited the inside world, maybe glanced in to wave once a day. When I became ill again I feel like part of me was frozen in time, that me got left behind and I have never felt that degree of happiness, contentment and enthusiasm since. Now it is almost painful to remember but I am still pleased that for a short while I got to experience being the person that I had always wanted to be.

Inside my hair is blonde instead of brown for a start. My eyes are a different colour and my body shape is different. I have no idea why I look that way or indeed why anyone inside looks as they do. They don't look like anyone I know from memory although possibly they are people I saw as a very small child.

My sleep pattern is as equally odd when my partner is here, although lately he has stayed overnight with his mother and stays with me during the day. Nothing stops the intrusive thoughts, I seem to have to remind myself how horrid I am before I can fall asleep every night. Unfortunately I react very badly to a lot of modern psychiatric drugs (older ones work far better) sometimes to the point of allergies so there is nothing I can take to help me sleep.

On the subject of allergies I am allergic to quite a lot of things, most darkly amusingly to the antidote to paracetamol. This was discovered when it was administered after an overdose and I ended up in a worse state with doctors and nurses dashing everywhere than I was before they started. Almost all of my illnesses are inherited, my mother was told not to have children due to her and my fathers family health backgrounds. They went ahead and had me and I got the lot by the time I was 35. Still at least I am alive and my partner and 2 friends seem glad of that so that's something to be grateful for.

Waves_and_Smiles

There is something I need to do before bed and I do not know what it is. I have checked all of the locks, the cooker is turned off and plugs are switched off. I don't know what I am meant to do and I know it is important, I can feel a lump in my throat from anxiety and I have to remember. I wish my partner was here.

Pyxis

Good morning, Worried and Scared! Although I realise you're probably in bed now.
I've just read through your thread.
One thing that struck me early on is that you have a wonderful ability; I wonder if you realise?
In the MSE forums there are a lot of people with mental health problems and illnesses. With your own personal experiences AND your training in psychology, you are serendipitously equipped to give help to a lot of them!
If you can spare the time to surf the threads and pick up on the many people who need help, understanding and empathy, I am sure that you could do a lot of good, and maybe recreate the joy you felt when you had your ideal job.
You have another gift; you are able to write eloquently and succinctly. You do not 'ramble'! You explain things in a way that flows very well. I really do feel you could be of great benefit to so many people here.

With regard to pets, do you live in a flat, or do you have a garden? I suspect the former. Have you tried using window bird feeders? That would be a way of bringing the birds closer to you.
Plus, if you overlook a garden, some binoculars would be great for getting close up views. They don't have to be expensive binoculars.

A couple of things to muse over, anyway!

Waves_and_Smiles

My partner returned home 20 minutes ago to find me crying on the sofa in a total mess because I couldn't remember what I was supposed to do before I slept. I sobbed this out to him and he just pointed behind my head and said "Put that towel back into the bathroom?" Yes, that would be it. I had brought a towel out with me after brushing my teeth and then forgotten to take it back but knew I had to do something. If I didn't have the ability to laugh at myself I would cry even more. I used forget far more important things like turning off the cooker or on a very painful occasion forgetting to use oven gloves when removing a dish from the oven. Now I have my partner and carer to take care of anything that could potentially hurt me but I still fall to pieces because I have forgotten to return a towel and think that it is something incredibly important that will cause disaster instead. I make lists with my partner of things I need to do while he is away and cross them off, of course I couldn't have known that I would bring out a towel and then forget about it. It is the little things that upset me and make me feel helpless the most these days.

Pyxis, thank you for your kind words, I will reply when I wake up. I have to sleep now, my medication has hit in and I am heading rapidly for zombie mode.

Tahlullah

Hello W&S, thought I would check in on you. I know your partner is home with you, so all should be well, but just thought I would say hello.

Sorry to hear about the towel incident. Actually, your distress was sad to hear about, but the fact it was over a towel made me laugh. I certainly hope you have retained your sense of humour to help you cope with little daily adversities.

Tx