Just needed to be heard for a little while

Tahlullah

Wow, it's sad to know that you lost youself for 9 months and no one realised. No one missed you. Which really does reinforce that they are just other aspects of your personality. I suppose because you didn't even know you were absent, you don't know who was living your life for you?

Have you been catatonic for a long period before? I guess that must be the absolute worst case and what those who care about you must be afraid of. Because even if one of your personalities were to take over, there is a chance you may return, but catatonic is a whole different ballgame.

So, all the others have things they are interested in doing. Are you not interested in any of their pastimes? Like painting or writing poetry? Have you tried them yourself?

And you said that when the people you all dislike come looking for you, you, Carly, Cas and Lucee are hide together. Where do you go? Is there a particular safe place you hide? And is their world a replica of your world? I mean, in the same house, on the same street etc? Is it somewhere you have been before in this world?

Waves_and_Smiles

I had no idea that I had been 'away' and was terrified when I returned because I didn't understand what had happened. That was when I was diagnosed with MPD. My mother kept me very isolated, I wasn't allowed friends and was picked up every lunch time at school so I couldn't play. she also stopped any family members other than her mother and brother (who were also mentally ill) from seeing me. My dad used to take me on secret visits to my aunt while my mother was in hospital and told me never to tell her. There was simply no one to miss me once he had died.

The longest that I was catatonic for was 10 days. The worlds reversed and the inside world felt completely real. I would have glimpses of the real world but they felt like a dream and I would feel relieved to wake up back inside. At that point it was agreed that I only be hospitalised when things were really desperate and then for as short of a period as possible, I have to keep functioning in this world to stay here.

I used to write poetry myself and had several poems published when I was younger. My teacher friend and my psychiatrist want me to write a book about my life because they feel that it will really help others with psychiatric illnesses and their carers. Perhaps one day, I would need a lot of help to keep it coherent and not to give up when it gets to the painful parts. I do like the idea of helping others though,it is all I have ever wanted to do. Although MPD itself isn't a mental illness, it is the ultimate coping strategy for a child who believes that they will die and they have no other option but to create a safe world and safe people to care for them. It happens with prolonged sexual abuse before the age of 6 and also sometimes if a child is buried after a natural disaster and feels completely alone. It is the mind's final attempt to save itself.

The house is a large and rambling Edwardian one, it is white and has 3 stories. It has never changed from when I was a child, in fact none of the rooms have (other than Lucee's room which is a new mess every day because she is useless at putting away her toys!). The forest surrounding it is very thick and has moats around the outside of it to separate it from everywhere else. We hide together in the basement and put furniture against the doors, there are lots of blankets and cuddly toys for the little ones and we sing songs and tell stories until the bad times have passed. In a lot of ways I am more alive inside, I can listen to music and walk around outside without fear, it is very tempting to stay there forever but terrifying at the same time. Also I have no arthritic pain inside so I can climb trees and walk without pain. I have never seen another house or environment like it, I suppose that I might have created it from a building I saw as a child but I have no memory of that.

whitewing

I was just thinking that I would love to read your autobiography, definitely. I will be one of the first to buy a copy.

I know 'normal' people do have a thirst for knowledge about mental health issues - someone who dealt with special needs at college asked me to write mine. I haven't, because it is normal for me, but maybe I will when my daughter is older.

whitewing

Did you used to read a lot as a child? I did and I think that helped me a lot. Your house sounds like places I read or dreamed about in my childhood (the house not the forest).

Waves_and_Smiles

I used to read constantly as a child, I was very advanced in my reading years and was reading adult novels easily at 8. I have always had a vivid imagination, sometimes too vivid but I do believe it is what saved me from what happened to me. I took my English O level at 14 and passed with an A, which is one of the few things I am proud about from my childhood. If nothing else I have always been able to successfully express myself through the written word even if I can;t say things verbally. I frequently give my psychiatrist long written essays about how I am feeling as it is so much easier for me to explain if I write things down.

I am aware my life is odd but to me it is normal so I do understand what you mean. I have no recollection of the inside world or of the people not being there, they have never faded and it doesn't matter what medication I have been given either, they are still just as real to me. Maybe one day I will manage to write it all down, it would help if someone else wrote while I narrated. My life isn't as bad as a lot of people's with mental illness as from the age of 13 I have always had a lot of people trying to make it better and the medication I take helps me to remain as stable as I can be but if my words helped someone else I would really like that.

Tahlullah

Do you know what happened to the Aunt your dad used to take you to see? Did she not come looking for you? Perhaps she did, but your mum blocked her contacting you, so you thought no one was interested.

It is truely sad that no one at school was a friend though. Somehow, your mothers wishes for you to remain isolated were translated into reality during the school day. You will have sat next to someone in class, you will have has the mid morning and mid afternoon breaks, so why no one then? The only thing I can fathom is that you somehow accepted this as the only choice and so isolated yourself, when you could have made secret friends like the ones in your other world.

If this situation were to happen today, someone would have noticed and you would have been taken into care. But I guess that back then, alot of wrong happened to young people, because like you say, they had no voice. To be surrounded by a family all with mental illness and no one recognising it seems unbelievable.

So, why are you not attempting to write poetry now? It's something you can do and you could share it with your friends in the other world. Plus, it gives you a pastime in this world. More importantly, it gives you an introduction to the idea of writing. A book doesn't need to have a start, middle and end. It can be a book of poetry. And that poetry can be about your life, your feelings, where you go to when catatonic etc.

You say it's tempting to stay there because you can walk around without fear. But there is fear, because you hide in the cellar with the others to avoid the bad people. So, why is the fear in there easier to cope with than out here?

Sorry to hear about your arthritis. Something else to contend with. Does it affect your normal day? Are you in a lot of pain from it? Does it stop you doing things you would like to do? Is that one of the reasons you like the other world?

You made a comment that your CPN sometimes allows you to touch her finger so you can reconnect back with this world. Is she not allowed to give you a hug, and to hold you when you need it?

whitewing

I believe you can get software that can transfer your spoken word to typed words. That may help. I am wondering of there is something that blind people use that would help (I know you are not blind).

It could be very therapeutic to write your own book of your life. It may not provide answers but it may help you feel more at peace with the stuff you don't know.

Waves_and_Smiles

The children in school found me very odd and I was bullied a lot. I didn't realise until I was 11 that I really shouldn't talk to the people inside out loud. I was also very shy and didn't know how to play with other children so was always the outsider. They also called me posh a lot as my vocabulary was very advanced which didn't go down well. I am actually as working class as you can get but to them I didn't seem it. Back then there wasn't so much attention on a child's well-being, especially with mental illness within a family. However when it was discovered when I was 13 I suddenly had people everywhere all at once and was taken into care and my mother quickly hospitalised. Something else that was also very different back then was that I was given the choice to return to care for my mother. I had far too much guilt about something happening to her to stay in the home and said I wanted to go back, only to placed back into care again 18 months later when she tried to stab me as she was convinced that her own child had been replaced at birth by a demon. I do wonder why on earth they let me go back into that environment, granted I requested it but really they should have refused.

I got back in contact with my aunt myself when I was 16. She cried a lot and told me she had guessed what was happening at home and had offered to adopt me but my dad had said no. She also had mental health issues (it is on both sides of my family) and didn't feel strong enough to pursue it. She asked that I never contact her again as she couldn't live with the guilt which broke my heart as I adored her as a child and never blamed her at all.

It is hard for me to be coherent to write poetry now, it used to flow far more easily. Plus as my OCD became worse I have to have every line perfectly written so it ends up as a source of frustration rather than joy. Perhaps one day I might try again...

My arthritis began at 21, I don't seem to have much luck really, do I? I have lost a lot movement now but thankfully it has been slow. Again I am lucky that social services allowed me to have adaptations to my flat to enable to bathe and get myself out of bed but unfortunately I have a lot of muscle wastage too as I never go out and exercise. Again, a lot of people have it worse though, so I can;t complain.

On occasion my CPN will hug me,as will my carer but there are a couple of issues with this. Firstly they are supposed to maintain a distance so are reluctant to cross that barrier and depending on my thoughts at the time I can find hugs difficult. If I am remembering my abuse I can freeze when touched so sometimes a fingertip touch feels safest. Other times I will cling to people and never want to let go, it depends how things are going.

I am so sorry Whitewing, things must have been so difficult for you. Often I have found that people find it hard to realise that mothers can have exceptionally bad relationships with their children, particularly in my case even that a woman can be sexually abusive. I do believe that that is changing though, fortunately.

whitewing

I took my last paragraph out of the post above, I thought I had deleted it. I wasn't sexually abused (that I remember anyway). I have read plenty of books on the subject anyway (which my husband hates me reading). I think I was lucky compared to many other people. But it has also taken many, many years to understand that people who are loved grow up to think and feel and react differently. My husband gets really angry with (but not to) my mother - he cannot understand how someone's maternal bond can't win out over everything else. I don't particularly miss what I never had but it hurts him that I don't relate that well to his mother - she hardly figures in my thinking and so when I am forced to think about her, I find it hard not to be resentful at the interruption.

Tahlullah

Social Services has a lot to answer for. But I suppose they will never get it right for everybody. Either they act too quicky, or not quickly enough. They put kids into care when they would better off with their family, or they leave them with family when they would be better off in care.

Your mother trying to kill you. Apart from the fact that she was abusing you and her mental ill health was an issue, I wonder if her reasoning that you were not her child is because your other personalities would manifest more regularly than you recall. Maybe you were always being taken over by one of your other selves.

When you came back from the episode after 9 months, did you ever remember who you were? If you have no memory of it, perhaps it happened more frequently than you realised, but for very short episodes.

Can't remember if you have said before, is your mother still alive?

Sorry that your Aunt reacted the way she did. Her level of guilt was difficult to deal with so she felt the easiest option was to pretend you didn't exist? Perhaps she felt she was doing the right thing by you, but somehow, it seems a selfish act.

You never mentioned the OCD before. How else does it manifest itself in your real life, apart from not being able to structure poetry in a precise way?

The arthritis started at age 21. No, you haven't had a lot of luck have you. Do you mind my asking how old you are now? And are you the same age in the other world? I understand that you are older than Lucee, but are you the same there or have you stopped ageing in there?

I understand about the issue with your carer and CPN. Because if you aren't wanting physical contact, that could cause problems due to the abuse. But your need for comfort must be high on occasion, which is why you may never let go.

Do you have a pet? A cat to be specific? Not a dog because I assume it would create problems in a flat and with walking. Does your lease allow for pets?

I have just watched a great film called Gravity. Do you watch films or can you get lost in them as well?