Just needed to be heard for a little while

MrsAtobe

Tired of fighting every day? You are not alone, I feel exactly the same way.

Waves_and_Smiles

Thanks so much for replying, it has already made a difference.

At the weekends sometimes we play cards, or he plays computer games and I watch, occasionally he will have the TV on and listen through headphones so that it doesn't bother me so I watch that. I also read MSE a lot as it is perfect for me as it doesn't upset me like the news and I can learn something useful. He also tends to cook then as I can't as I become confused - I have sandwiches ready made for me until he gets back. The confusion I don't really understand but it means that I can do little for myself. For example earlier I had a tissue. I looked around the room for somewhere to put it and knew that I was forgetting something important. I got really upset and tearful because I couldn't understand what I was meant to do so I put it behind a cushion and hid it, then I realised an hour later that it was meant to go into the bin. Little things happen like that all of the time and it is scary, sometimes things I have done for years will just suddenly disappear from my memory and no matter how I try I cannot remember how to do them. Then I will suddenly remember and wonder how I could have forgotten. I cannot cook, or do simple tasks because of this as there is no pattern to it, I have taken the wrong medication on several occasions because I have suddenly forgotten the dosage. Sometimes it is ridiculous things like I will have a shower and just stand there staring at the water and not know why I am there and get upset because I know there is something I must remember to do but there is just no memory there to draw from. It is terrifying and I feel ashamed and stupid that I can't do what everyone else can. I am lucky that I have my partner to help and social services got me a carer to prompt me when washing and dressing and also to give me my medication and make sure my environment stays clean. Before I had this my partner was despairing because I had things hidden everywhere because I was ashamed that I didn't know where they went, sometimes even food waste and I rarely washed as I just couldn't remember how and was so afraid of getting it wrong.

It is harder when I am alone because I have to second guess everything I do in case it is wrong and avoid doing anything that could be a danger. Psychiatrists say it is part of schizophrenia and also because I have taken anti-psychotics for so long and they have caused damage

I am really sorry for whining about all of this, I don't do very well on my own, everything feels like a mountain to climb.
.

barbiedoll

I used to live in the flat below a man who was a funny chap. Sometimes he would say "hello", sometimes he would stop for a chat and sometimes, he would walk around with his head down, ignoring everyone.

I knew him as just an acquaintance for many years, until one day we got talking in the queue in the local Co-op, of all places. He looked very morose that day so I asked him if he was feeling ok. He told me that he was "having a bad day" and I asked him if there was anything that I could do. He said that he just wished that the people in his head would give him a day's peace, just for once.

He told me that when he was 9 years old, a family moved into his head. There were 4 of them and they spoke to him almost every day since. Sometimes they were very loud, they argued with him and with each other, on bad days, he said that they all shouted at him all day long. They tell him to "do things" (nothing criminal, in case anyone is wondering) and he said that it was a constant battle to try to ignore them. He said that his caseworker was very good and that sometimes he had to "go away" to get help.

I told him that he could give me a knock if he ever felt that he needed help and that he could talk if he needed to. He never spoke to me for any length of time again, although he still stops to say "hello" if I see him now. I don't see him so often as I now work full time and have moved house although I still live locally. Talking to him really gave me an insight into an often misunderstood form of mental illness and I can remember thinking that we spend a lot of time and money ensuring that physically disabled people are treated equally, we seem to forget those with illnesses that we cannot easily recognise upon first glance.

OP, I hope you will feel better in the coming days, you are clearly a very intelligent person, albeit one with a debillitating illness. Your partner sounds like a real gem, and as you say, you are lucky to have access to help when you need it. Thank you for posting here, it is always good for others to hear what living with mental illness is really like. Take care.

myonlysunshine

Sending you huge hugs..you are not alone and are obviously very much cared about by 3 special people who you DESERVE in your life.

I really wish you better health and Happiness for the future, I have a long term illness and understand How isolating it can be xxx

Counting_Pennies_2

Have you tried breathing. I know it sounds silly to say this, but often when life gets too much and we are so wound up we forget to breathe properly. It calms us down and helps to think clearer.


When sitting, breathe in and out focusing only on your breath. As soon as you feel your mind thinking of anything else, bring it back to your breathe. Even if it is every few seconds. If you can try to do this for 5 minutes. Ideally do this a few times a day, and if you can more often.


I often find everything settles so much better when I have done this.


Give it a try

Morglin

I find that a relaxation CD I have (Tranquility by David Sun) is brilliant to just relax to, when it all gets too much. I expect that, or something like that, is available to download.

As I said to you, on the other thread, it really is a case of doing a day at a time, and trying to find a 'smile' in silly things.....I used to spend ages watching the garden birds, and how they acted, all their little personalities, and it sort of clears your mind (sounds daft, I know!).

Lin

flashnazia

Are you able to get some sunshine? Do you have a secluded garden?
There is research to suggest low levels of vitamin d are linked to people who have lupus. Has your doctor mentioned anything about vitamin d?

toniq

A day closer till your hubby comes home, Letting it all out is so therapeutic, maybe wander over to comps board if you want something to distract you, A very friendly bunch, there is even a compers inn where people chat about everything.

x

marisco_2

worried_and_scared wrote: »

I do have 3 people in my life who care about me though so I am very lucky. A wonderful best friend, my partner who has been with me for 23 years and the teacher who I first told at school that I was being abused. The latter and I have stayed in touch for 33 years and he tells me that I am the daughter he should have had. I have more than a lot of people do so I have no right to complain.

Sometimes I am just tired of fighting every day, the thought of this for another 30 years is crippling. I have to though, I made promises.

Your posts are so moving OP. I think that you may be the bravest, and most openly honest person that I have come across.

You are indeed lucky to know those 3 people who care for and value you so much. We are all truly blessed when others come into our life, who have the ability to touch it in the most incredible and unforgettable ways, and they then stay life long friends. To have that type of bond and connection with another is special, and something to really hold onto and cherish.

I think your friends and partner place a very high value on you and want the best for you. Lean on them through difficult times and let them be your rock. Thank you for sharing how things are going for you with us. Sometimes it just helps to talk and know you are being listened to doesn't it. Keep going you are doing so well, though I appreciate the struggle at times must be immense. Take care

marisco_2

worried_and_scared wrote: »

I always wanted to help others and after years of my family telling me that I was Devils spawn and useless it meant so much to make a difference.

How awful that people who you should have been able to expect to treat you better than anyone else, chose to be so cruel and cutting with their spoken words and views. That shows a total failing on their part.

It is a strong indicator of your strength of character and resilience, that you did not let that negatively affect you, and you succeeded in going on to make a difference to others. That is to be applauded, and you should feel very proud. :T