Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

Hello Primrose! Needless to say I am very anxious and exhausted today, for the next few days I will do my best to comfort myself and take things very slowly. It is very difficult for my carers to know what to do, particularly for my partner who loves me very much and hurts with me when this happens.

I tried to be as descriptive as I could but I think I mostly failed as obviously there is no pattern to it, just random boomeranging between worlds and before I could make sense of one finding myself in the next. It is very difficult to describe as everything is disjointed, the nightmare comparison is as close as I can get. It is always a little different each time too, so it makes it harder to prepare for.

For now I am sitting here surrounded by cuddly toys, sipping hot tea and watching my partner play Minecraft, I will try to eat later but that is as much as I am attempting today. I still feel very scared and as if I have been through a huge trauma, my hands are shaking like a leaf. But this will pass and things will get onto an even keel again and until then I have techniques that I can use to get me through.

Hello Pyxis! A password might actually help actually, I have something similar in real life with my carers. One of the problems with yesterday was that usually I would usually use my CBT sheets as a grounding measure but I also had those in World 3 so it didn't help at all. The real world can indeed be a trigger which is why I avoid TV and news articles. Of course, I accidentally come across them and they get stored in my mind but wherever possible I try to avoid the atrocities of real life as they will often interweave themselves in my psychosis.

Whitewing you are all helping by reading this. You see it, you respond so I know that I am real and functioning in the real world. These episodes happen as a result of changing my very small world, it used to be far worse when I was given active therapy and trying to make changes. Now we work on maintenance to keep things as steady as possible, I know simply leaving my flat on Tuesday triggered this and I was expecting an episode. Unfortunately I never know what form this will take.

Pyxis

jobbingmusician

Your posts are SO descriptive - they describe what it's like to be in that state better than anything I have ever read, I think!

Have you ever read 'Welcome Silence'? It's the only book I can think that really compares with your description. (OMG - I was about to say 'it's out of print' but they seem to have done a reprint at long last! It's available both new and 2nd hand at Amazon!) It's an amazing story of someone in the States who suffered from delusions from a very young age, and managed throughout her illness to train and qualify as a doctor. She managed to get her professor to put her on a dialysis trial* and was cured - it's a really moving and inspiring account.

*Please note she was the ONLY one who was cured, of all the subjects on the trial. I'm not recommending dialysis, but do think it's interesting that there was such a biochemical basis for her illness. She was similar to you in her determination to confront her illness, but different in that (AFAIK - it's a long time since I read it) she had a very stable upbringing, so her environment was arguably not such a factor. We really are SO much in the infancy of treating mental illness. Here is me, who spends half my time arguing for less medication and more psychosocial interventions - and then I read something like that......

Waves_and_Smiles

I shall try and find that book, I would be very interested to read it, it sounds absolutely fascinating! The whole medication/psychosocial argument is an interesting one and fascinates me, as does the link between mental illness and other physical conditions. No doubt some people are over-medicated and kept on medication when it is no longer necessary just in case of relapse. In my case I think I have benefited from a combination of both.

Some of my conditions I could manage without longterm medication but in the case of the psychosis it seems very much to be a chemical imbalance that was inherited. I notice things like my psoriasis will flare, as will my thyroid disorder and Addisons disease at the same time as psychosis, now I have no idea whether it is as a result of stress or if my body chemicals all move out of whack and trigger everything at once? Incidentally, I have a lot of problems with modern psychiatric drugs, most of the modern ones that supposedly have less side-effects cause me huge problems. The anti-psychotic I take is the oldest one invented and if they ever stop producing it things will become very difficult. I get absolutely no side effects from this one which is meant to be riddled with them, and the newer ones that are meant to be side effect free make my life impossible! Also I can only take 2 of the modern family of anti-depressants, the rest again make me very ill.

I also have quite a few allergies and autoimmune conditions, again it points to something being not quite right with my chemicals, sometimes I wonder how much of my mental illness is physical in origin? Within a year of being diagnosed with schizophrenia I developed a thyroid disorder, Addisons Disease, psoriasis and adult acne, it seems odd that they all followed each other? Almost as if there was an inner physical change. Now I have Lupus too, another autoimmune condition. Once I hoped to research into links between mental illnesses, hormone imbalances and autoimmune problems. I do agree we know so little about mental illness and its triggers.

I will write about how I dealt with the psychotic episode tomorrow, I don't really have the energy tonight. I have spent the day watching animal webcams which is something that I find very soothing. I am almost all of the way back now but very, very tired.

Pyxis

Dialysis? My goodness! My goodness!
What a revelation! But makes sense! Electrolyte imbalance?
Can it be that simple?

It made me wonder just how many blood or other tests are done during investigation into someone's mental health symptoms. But maybe current tests aren't sensitive enough. Is there any research going on in this field?

Worried and scared, the link with all your autoimmune conditions does look likely. Has that been investigated? Or is the divide between physical and mental illness too great still?

jobbingmusician

It is weird, isn't it, that not much research seems to be going on. The cynical side of me thinks that the only things which are being researched (apart, maybe, from the big research programmes run by the cancer charities) are things where drug companies think they can make a lot of money....

heartbreak_star

I'm not really sure what to say...your posts make compelling reading and I just want to give you a big hug.

Hope you can feel a little better soon. Lots of love!

HBS x

puppypants

Please can I join Team WaS as a fully paid up hugger? I've found your thread to be fascinating and compelling reading. You really should write a book, it would be on the best sellers list in no time.

You are so brave to be so open and honest about your condition WaS. I keep my demons locked in a box, fortunately, or maybe I'm just not brave like you.

I will be following your thread with interest, and wish you well. Carry on being an inspiration, you are more help than you will ever know, my friend. xxx

jobbingmusician

Love it!


GO TEAM WAS! :smileyhea:smileyhea:smileyhea:rudolf::rudolf::rudolf:

(The reindeer are there just because it's my all time favourite smilie, even though I actually dislike Christmas!)

ETA: Sigh....this forum is really unreliable at displaying smilies, sorry!

bobble_hat

Wow WAS, what a weekend. I hope that you are slowly sipping your way back to a place of strength. Your posts are certainly getting more articulate.

Your descriptions are mesmerising and so incisive, it's a fascinating insight into what must be truly terrifying for you. I've often 'woken' in a dream and believed it to be reality, but on some level have known where I really am, so to have that compounded by your condition for such long periods of time with the states stacked on top of each other like paper, without that touchstone is frightening.

If you have something tangible, such as a particular object which you can hold, as if it were a lifebelt, in the real world to serve as an anchor, does that help? So if you were able to wear a bracelet with a particular stone or charm with a very defined 'feel' to it, could that provide an anchor to the real world or would it move with you into the mind-worlds? It sounds like when you have these episodes that you would lose that level or awareness, is that correct?

And sorry that I was not about for virtual hugs at the weekend, I must logon more frequently, know I'm a fully paid up member of Team WAS