Just needed to be heard for a little while

Pyxis

You're partner sounds like an absolute diamond!

Waves_and_Smiles

My partner is lovely with a huge heart, I wouldn't swap him for the world.

Social services believe the answer is for his mother to have her own carers (which they have funding for) and for me to keep my current caring hours while my partner returns to me as my main carer. His mother will not allow any carers at all so this idea doesn't work and I lose his caring hours while he is with her. Social Services felt he should explain to his mother that he can no longer give her the time so that she is forced to accept their help but this is easier said than done when it is someone you love. I have to pay extra to the carer assigned to me for extra hours because although I can be left alone for a while I need everything in place before it happens. Cooking alone is highly risky due to the memory problem and I have had some near disasters on that front. Also I have huge psychological problems with cleaning and I couldn't manage by myself and as I live in rented accommodation with frequent inspections this cannot be allowed to slip for a while. Medication is just far to risky for me to take alone, there have been hospital trips when I have messed it up or forgotten that I have already taken it and ended up with a double dose.

If his mother would allow a carer then that would be paid for and he would return to the hours that he was spending with me but there is no way that is going to happen. She became my carer so that he could work at the age of 76 after she totally refused to allow social services to intervene in my case, and she hates that I have a carer now. She has complete distrust of any social authority so there is little that we can do other than me using my DLA and ESA to pay for extra hours so that he can be with her.

My partner only has his carers allowance, obviously he has no time to fit work in and most of that goes on petrol travelling between us. So money is very tight indeed but I do not have any debts and my needs are minimal so we just about scrape through. It is scary though because the slightest unforeseen expense would send us into crisis, we just keep everything crossed and there is absolutely nothing left for fun or treats which would be nice occasionally.

Did that make sense? I have a bad voice yelling in my ear right now so concentration isn't easy. Apologies if it was garbled.

Pyxis

The attitude of SS to 'force'her into accepting carers by your partner telling her he can't do it any more!

She is 93! They are very mean.

And to be honest, to submit anyone at that great age to a routine they are unhappy with, would not be good, given that there may only be limited time left. You are right, you cannot make her remaining time miserable.

But that leaves you in a difficult position. At least you know you are doing the right, caring thing by her. I always feel that people should treat the elderly in the way that they themselves would wish to be treated. It can be extremely difficult sometimes though, especially when they're being unreasonable and/or selfish. But it's all you can do.. It is, after all, the last thing you can do for them.

Good on you, WaS! I think you're a diamond, too!

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, thank you.

I think how I would feel if I was forced to accept unfamiliar people into my home daily while I was terrified of them (and she is genuinely terrified of it happening) and I know that I would hate every minute. It is very unfair to force this onto her at her age, she cannot adapt at this point whereas I can so her needs have to come first. Sadly this situation will only continue for a few more years so we can wait it out and she has proven that she would do the same for me. When she became unable to travel to be my carer she cried her eyes out and begged me to forgive her for leaving me at the 'mercy' of Social Services. Although it is hard for me to adapt at first to people entering my home I have dealt with outside agencies my whole life so it really isn't too much of a leap. Also, to be honest it was a bit of a relief when she could no longer care for me as her health was very bad and she couldn't really cope with my needs so it was double the worry.

So we get by as best that we can. When she does leave us both of us will know that we did our best for her and that is worth more than having spare money.

Pyxis

You're a really lovely person, do you know that? And she sounds lovely, too!

Apparently, it's National Kissing Day, so: :kisses3:

Waves_and_Smiles

Awww, what a lovely thing to say, thank you. I have my faults like everyone else but my main priority has always been to try and be kind. My MIL was also very kind to me for many years and I have never forgotten that. We were very close friends for a long while and although we rarely see each other now still care about each other very much.

A little amusing story for you. A long time ago now my partner and I had an argument and I asked him to leave (for all of 24 hours as it turned out). He called his mum for some sympathy and hopefully a place to stay and the first thing she did was ask what he done wrong and told him to buy me a huge bunch of flowers and apologise! She then came to visit me with a chinese takeaway and two bottles of wine and spent the evening making sure I was ok. Although we both laugh over it now my partner has never quite recovered from the shock of her immediately taking my side. That is a small example of how close we were.

Pyxis

That's so nice! It's good when you know that someone is rooting for you!

whitewing

You have probably addressed this earlier in the thread...if so, I apologise as I have to skim read...and I know you have problems going outside..I just wondered if there is any way that you could go with your DH and stay at MIL for a few days?

(Not making light of your condition, thinking in terms of blanket over your head and the back seat of the car to reduce stimuli and that sort of thing).

Waves_and_Smiles

That is possible whitewing and we have done it before, the only problem is that my partners brother is very difficult for me to be around. I spent a long time writing why and then deleted it all because it wasn't very nice and I do try not to be critical of other people. I feel terribly guilty now so suffice to say if we can be sure that he wouldn't be there then yes, it is something that we could consider but for me to be there at the same time as him would likely make me ill..

Pyxis

That's ok, WaS. Better not to risk it. No point in risking precipitating an event.
Does he live with your MIL?

Presumably she understands the situation?