Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

Hello MU! I will be thinking about you tomorrow with beau, don't worry it is going to be fine. Hugs.

haybel19

Hey guys,

Sorry to have been quiet now caught little miss bug so feeling rather rubbish- missed you all so just popping in with a quick Hi.

Max has been giving us all extra snuggles and kisses and been doing the best sleepy naps with us. He really is the best furry nurse.

I think even he now knows all the words to the Frozen movie!

Pyxis

Hello Bailey!

Waves_and_Smiles

I haven't recorded one of these for a while so thought I would especially for new people who might be interested in the symptoms of Catatonic Schizophrenia.

It started by me suddenly deciding it was unfair that adults can't visit Santa in stores (Yes, really). I started scouring the internet for stores that might allow it and then decided it really wasn't fair so started creating a draft letter to send asking if mentally ill people could make visits and looking up equality acts. This did not seem odd thinking to me at all and I was very serious about this. I found I was missing out spaces inbetween words which frustrated me hugely and I couldn't properly construct sentences but was completely driven to achieve this. I glanced up at the room and everything was shifting, the chair opposite me was swaying and the walls looked as if they were slowly moving. Noises sounded echoey as if I was in a tunnel and I felt very hot, sweat was dripping from my forehead. I had a huge pain over one eye and my hands were shaking, and I still didn't recognise this as odd. At this point I can seldom recognise that I am unwell, my mind feels clear and focused, more so than normal and there is some mania, too with rushing thoughts and a sense of excitement.

I thought of my mother letting me watch other children visiting Santa but not letting me join in which upset me greatly at as a child, I then started to cry. Suddenly I was in a huge warehouse and couldn't find my way out. It was very dark and cold and I knew that there were Christmas presents there but I would die if I couldn't find the door because there was little air, I stumbled over boxes and tried to feel the walls looking for the exit. Then I was back here but the walls had a transparent picture over them of the house I grew up in. I could see this room but my old house was overlaid over it. I tried to move but my body felt like lead, I couldn't even lift a finger, literally. I was very, very scared but I couldn't speak, I tried to open my mouth and no words came out and my tongue felt heavy and glued to the bottom of my mouth. The voices were present in every world and laughing at me and telling me that I was in Hell.

Then I was back in my house when I was 13 and my grandmother was screaming at me telling me that my mother would have been better if I had never been born. I knew that I needed to get her to leave because her yelling would get us evicted and the landlord was outside. I tried to tell her to go but my voice came out in a hiss and I couldn't make sense of words to speak clearly. Then I was back in the warehouse trying to find the door and I couldn't breathe. (At this point I began to fight to stand up in real life and started hitting out at things, WaSp kept me seated).

After that the worlds seemed to swap more rapidly, I realised that I had to get back to the real world and decided the one with my grandmother was the real one so kept trying to get back to there. There was a sense of terror the whole time. In my brief visits to this world I couldn't move at all although I desperately tried to, I felt as if there were restraints holding my arms down and my mouth wouldn't open.

The whole time WaSp was giving me anti-psychotics every 20 minutes (do not do this unless a psychiatrist has given you permission to do so, it can be very dangerous, plus I only take tiny amounts at 20 minute intervals) and gradually the other worlds became more confused and this one became more real and I stayed longer here. Eventually I (apparently) fell asleep for 20 minutes and woke up back in the real world although I was very confused and tearful for a while afterwards and not sure that things were actually real.

I notice eviction crept into there so it was definitely a reaction to the landlord worries. I am firmly back now but still very shaky and things still feel a little dream-like. I have a lot of muscle pain because as always happens I tense every muscle throughout it and I have a thumping headache. I am ok though, it was expected that I would have a reaction to the thing I had avoided thinking about for months. I also have a very numb tongue because WaSp had problems getting me to drink water with the anti-psychotics so some of them dissolved in my mouth! The episode lasted around two and half hours but felt far longer to me. I had a nap afterwards due to the amount of anti-psychotics I had taken and then managed to record everything for my psychiatrist. As normal, I will forget most of this within the next two days.

Now excuse me while I cling to you all. You would think I would be used to this by now but it terrifies me everytime. There is always the feeling while it is happening that I will be unable to make it back and be trapped between worlds forever. In some ways it would be easier if I didn't remain concious of what was happening.

oldestgnome

Glad to see that WaSp was with you when you needed your meds WaS. Your descriptive writing is really helpful to my understanding of catatonic schizophrenia. I am always learning all sorts on this thread. Thanks to all for sharing

JM, my family use box of frogs and we've always called my Grandma an old bat in an endearing way

Hope you feel better soon Haybel.

Waves to bailey and Pipkin.

Waves_and_Smiles

You are welcome, oldestgnome. I do hope it helps people understand a little more. When I hear of people with Catatonic Schizophrenia who are often hospitalised ( it is quite rare not to be, I am saved by years of therapy and my understanding of what is happening plus I am generally high functioning), I always hope that they don't have my awareness of what is taking place during episodes. The worse part by far is being aware that I am trapped between worlds, if I didn't have that awareness it would just feel like a dream and I wouldn't be so terrified that I couldn't make it back. But then again if that was the case I likely wouldn't be able to live outside of a hospital because it would be far harder to convince me to take medication while it was going on. So swings and roundabouts.

geminilady

Was
As oldestgnome says you describe things very well,glad you are safely back,I can only imagine how frightening it must be.
I think it is a lovely idea for Adults to be able to see Santa especially the mentally handicapped people who will be like a child for ever.A couple of questions if you don't mind.Have they given Wasp and kind of training to deal with your episodes or just given him advise?does he get frightened for you or is he used to the episodes now?sorry my grammar is not very good
Did you never visit Santa as a child?

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, thank you. WaSp does get scared but he is pretty used to it by now. Initially a psychiatrist sat us both down and explained the condition and what WaSp needed to do. His main role is to make sure I don't hurt myself and to give me a tiny dose of anti-psychotics every 20 minutes. Also to keep talking to me about anything at all, his voice helps ground me and sometimes I can follow his voice back to this world. I heard all about rule changes in The Grand Prix today, it's about the only time he gets to talk about it without me nodding off!

He was also told no matter how scared he is not to show it, I do remain aware of what is happening so if I hear him panic, I will and then things get worse very rapidly and have previously resulted in a hospital trip. They give me exactly the same treatment, but instead of small doses of anti-psychotics they inject me with a large dose which has me fast asleep in 15 minutes flat. My psychiatrist and I have recently discussed swapping the small doses for one large one at home but because I can only take a very old anti-psychotic there is a risk of very bad side effects, some of which could be irreversible. We are still considering that, it would make the episodes far shorter but there is a risk to taking more than I actually need all at once. Even from the extra tiny doses I have side effects now, I can't stop stretching my arm up to the ceiling and stretching my leg out (this is called Tardive Dyskinesia), fortunately so far these tend to fade as the dose wears off, with a higher dose regularly they may not, even if I stopped the medication. My mother who was on the same medication but at a higher dose (I only take the bare minimum daily which isn't really enough for full stability but it's safer) had constant facial grimaces and her head would jerk rapidly, there was no way of treating it, it is one of the downsides to the older anti-psychotics.

My mother would let me watch other children visiting Santa in stores but never allow me to do so which was especially cruel. Santa came under the 'stranger' description as did anyone who wasn't family and I wasn't allowed contact. She even prevented me on going on a primary school trip with my class to meet him, I was the only child who didn't go. I always desperately wanted to visit even though she had made it clear that he wasn't real throughout my childhood and it really used to upset me that I couldn't, for some reason my mind chose to pick on that memory today.

Even now the episode is over I would still like to go, just for my inner child who never got the chance.

And now everyone is asleep including WaSp and I am wide awake because I slept and am feeling sorry for myself because I am still anxious, I don't feel fully real, I don't have any company and everywhere is quiet and dark outside. Don't mind me, I will get over it and am just whining really.

seven-day-weekend

I'm here and thinking of you, Was. Hope you manage to have some soothing sleep xx

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, hello, SDW. I shall later hopefully, anti-psychotics knock me out initially then destroy my sleep pattern, hence being awake all night. Plus it is impossible to sleep with TD symptoms, it is pointless when I am stretching my arm up in the air every 30 seconds. It will pass when the dosage wears off, fortunately they aren't slow acting so after 8 hours maxium they should be out of my system. Thank you for the company!