Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

That is really interesting JM and I really can see that applying to WaSp. He admits he is embarrassed by BIL and almost digs a hole and buries himself when BIL acts badly in public. I do think it is very likely that he see's it as a reflection of him and of course that hurts to realise. I no doubt don't help there by constantly telling him that it is all going to go wrong (which it inevitably does). MIL is far more obvious, she will say that BIL's problem is that she didn't remove him from his father fast enough and if anyone should be accused of wrongdoing it is her.

Also JM, you possibly explain why I find it so hard to grasp, I wasn't socialised within a family unit at all-I was constantly told that I didn't belong and wasn't part of them and never felt part of a family. Their behaviour was always alien to me and I never felt part of their lives, including my dad's because even he showed behaviours I couldn't relate to and had a very secret life that I, nor family were part of.

The more I think about the more I think that I need to distance myself, I am probably not helping things at all, I am certainly not changing any outcome.

What a lovely post, LIR! I agree with you completely. I often think that half my problem is that my imagination is too vivid, hence me becoming confused between what I imagine and reality sometimes. I don't think that I would change it, though? I like being able to imagine scenario's and see things in art and live books as they happen even though it hurts me at times. I think that although healthier in aspects, my life could be far less colourful without it. Oh, and I go a step further than a hairbrush, I have a sonic screwdriver straight out of Doctor Who. Sometimes I point it at things and 'analyse them' because it is fun and makes me feel like a child again. I can't believe that I just admitted to that...

geminilady

WaS I find Mpd really interesting mostly from a few films I have seen which are probably nothing like the real thing.I remember you posting about loosing 9 months when someone else took over but can't remember the details,did you just wake up and realise 9 months had passed?it must have been frightening.Also wondered if any of the personalaties had taken over in front of wasp and if so how he coped.Hope its not a penguin but as you have been talking about it thought it would be ok to post

Waves_and_Smiles

Hello, geminilady! It isn't a penguin for me at all, don't worry. But I am going to white it out because it talks briefly of a suicide attempt and might be distressing to others.

The missing 9 months happened when I was 13 and my dad died. I remember directly afterwards, preparing for the funeral, sitting in the car on the way and my aunt telling me that my hair looked nice. Then I was sitting on my bed and all I could think was that I wanted to die. I walked into the kitchen and hurt myself and then burst into tears because I didn't know why I had done it. I bandaged myself up and went to my GP as an emergency and told him what I had done and that I was totally confused, at that point I was concerned about my injury and convinced a brain tumour was about to kill me. That turned into a 45 minutes appointment as he asked me what day it was and what I remembered. Slowly, I realised that it was 9 months later than I thought and suddenly that made sense to me. He made a referral to a psychiatrist straight away and that is when I began therapy.

Although it made sense that it was 9 months later I didn't have and still have no recall of what happened during the missing months and was very confused for a while, I was convinced that I was either insane or had a brain tumour. I didn't attend school during that time and no one saw me apart from family. It is still as if those months happened to someone else (which in a way they did), there is nothing there at all.

Because I began therapy at 13 I became what is called co-concious very quickly, this means I am aware of my others and they don't tend to take over now unless things are really bad. We are all aware of each other and everything that happens-hence co-concious-so there is no need for anyone to lose time. They did pop out in therapy and my therapist would suddenly say did you realise what you just said? and then I would snap back and realise that it wasn't me talking. By the time I was 19 I was far more aware of the others so we worked as a team, for example if my confidence is low I can get Cas to move forward in my mind and 'stand' close to me and it will make me stronger. If Lucee as a 6 year old is nearby suddenly the ground feels closer and I may fall over because my height perception alters. Things look bigger to me and my hands look smaller and I suddenly feel lighter and more childlike and might want to play or skip.

WaSp has met Cas on a couple of occasions when I have been very ill and she has come out to stop me hurting our body, amusingly he doesn't like her! She is our internal therapist and has a habit of analysing him. When that happens I can still see everything but my hearing becomes muffled and I don't feel as if I am real. I can hear myself talking but I am not controlling what is said, if you like I am standing back in my mind and observing myself.

It is actually a lot less dramatic than they portray it in the movies. Most of the characters they use aren't co-concious which means they lose time while others are out as I did during the 9 months. No one would know the others exist if I didn't tell them, it isn't obvious as it is portrayed at all. Still, I wouldn't be surprised if I do lose time occasionally but it is only for minutes and everyone knows to keep the body safe. Also, many of our others hold memories that I don't have which is where it is a safety valve. If I go through a truly horrid experience and then days later it will turn into a dream to me. Weeks later I won't recall that it happened at all. But someone inside will remember and hold that memory so that I don't have to and can recall if needed (and I still won't remember it). For example, I hate being outside. But ask me two weeks later and although I know that I react badly to it I won't remember specific incidences or thoughts while being out, someone else remembers that for me so that I can leave the house again.

It is a coping strategy and not an illness as it is often portrayed on tv, used by small children when they feel that they have no one to save them so the only option is to create someone who will. As with imaginary friends once you do it once you can do it for life. It is possible to integrate the personalities in some cases so that you all become one person with complete recall but I have twice been told that I am not suitable for that due to have other mental health problems. It is thought that I wouldn't be strong enough to own all the memories the others have and would very like just split into more to hold them instead.

I quite like having MPD now, I like having people with me who were there since I was a child. They rarely intrude on my life but if I look inside they are always there, it is very comforting. Also, I have no idea how it feels not to have others, they have been there from my earliest memory.

End penguin!

System

Thats a very honest and detailed account of MPD WaS, thank you for sharing it, i admit i've only really seen it portrayed on film and such, so its interesting to hear an actual account of what its really like.

geminilady

Thanks so much for your reply.I can see being co-concious makes a big difference.It is funny wasp does not like Cas as she is really a part of you but when you think about it we may love somebody but there can still be things we do not like about the person.You were lucky that you got therapy so young as I can imagine how confusing it would be to keep loosing weeks and months from your life.I knew it was a coping strategy and that it mostly happens to somebody suffering abuse.If these parts of you have been there as long as you can remember your childhood must have been truly horiffic. It really is amazing that you have turned out to be such a warm caring person

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, you are welcome MU. As I said it really isn't as dramatic as on film, also you don't switch if you do lose time into drastically different people because after all you have all had the same life. Cas and Carly can do a very good portrayal of me and no one could tell the difference, Lucee not so much. I find it interesting that people find it interesting because it is normal life for me-there has always been others, there has always been a house in the woods where they live, I can;t quite get my head around those things not being there. I think I might be very lonely without them.

Aw, thank you geminilady. I can recall playing with them in my mind when I was 4, I honestly don't know a time when they weren't there. I was very lucky that it was discovered so early, some people don't realise until they are adults and go through years of being very afraid of what is happening to them. As soon as I got to know the others and we all accepted each other things got a lot easier and I will always be incredibly grateful to them, they remember things that would likely destroy me and they live with those memories every day.

It is interesting to think what would happen if something truly horrible happened to me now, though. I know that they can take over but I have always been still watching. I presume that they still have the ability to take over entirely and block me if they wish (or I have the ability to totally retreat so that I am not consciously aware). I still think if things went very wrong the losing time would occur again, it would just take something far more drastic now.

Also the most common term for others is alters as in alternatives. If you read anything medical they will be referred to as that. We collectively decided that we didn't like that expression. It demeans them to be classed as alternatives to me, they are the reason that I am still alive. They hold memories that are incredibly bad so that I don't have to, they deserve more than being classed as alternatives with me being real and them less so. So we settled on others, none lesser or greater than the other. We are all others, me included.

Pyxis

I liked what you said in the last paragraph of your penguin post, WaS. Do you realise that you have described a functional family? Your others are your family!

Waves_and_Smiles

Awwww, that's lovely Pyxis! Thank you, I feel all warm inside now!

Pyxis

Is this a new type of paw-paw?

Pyxis

Re posted etiquette.....

Pyxis wrote: »

.........:starmod:......................................................................:starmod:.....................
Here is the suggested THREAD ETIQUETTE. By following this etiquette, all posters, whether new or existing, will feel safe, unpressured and respected..

- This is a thread for support. We have discovered some good friends on here, but we promise always to welcome and include new people, and not to be cliquey.

- People may make suggestions to help each other, and might even ask if the suggestions were helpful or have been carried out, but we'll really try not to nag each other or put too much pressure on.

- The normal board rules about sexism, racism, homophobia etc. apply, but if we are careful we should be able to discuss almost anything without breaching board rules - so far we have discussed subjects ranging from child abuse to incontinence!

-If someone thinks that too much pressure is being applied, they can post the trigger word PENGUIN and flag up the fact that they believe there's a potential for someone feeling too nagged to do something. ANYONE could post PENGUIN if they felt there was a danger that suggestions were being enforced too much.


- If you think something might be a PENGUIN, please post something like the green bit which follows.

"I would like to discuss something to do with [insert subject here], but I am concerned that this might be a trigger for some people. Is everyone OK if I post about that?"

Then LEAVE IT for at least an hour to allow people to respond. Then, when you post, repost the word PENGUIN above the discussion. Then post the penguiny bit in white! And the phrase END OF PENGUIN when you have finished.

It will look like this. You will be able to see the white text if you highlight it or if you quote it (so please don't quote a penguin!)

PENGUIN

This is a penguin. A nasty, crotch biting penguin (CBT).
It isn't really, you can look. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozGTv0hxhpc[/url]
END OF PENGUIN




IMPORTANT: It has been ascertained that some posters to this thread have found that there are certain subjects which act as triggers, precipitating a worsening of their condition.
To protect these posters, you are respectfully requested NOT to discuss these subjects on this thread:-

Religion. (Please note: it is recognised that everyone is entitled to their beliefs, and we respect those beliefs. It is only because of the fact that religion does act as a trigger for some posters, that we exclude it from discussion.)
N.B. Please don't even mention the name of the religion.

The afterlife. The reason for this is explained in this thread by one poster, and there will be others for whom this is a trigger.

We ask and thank you for your co-operation in this matter.


.........:starmod:.....................................................................:starmod:................

It should be pointed out that if anyone is feeling very distressed or close to a crisis, they do not have to worry about what they are posting, or whether it is a penguin for someone else or not. In a crisis situation, just post! We wouldn't want anyone to feel that they couldn't ask for help in case it's a penguin! The penguin thing only applies to a general discussion situation.

- More suggestions please.............We stress that we are suggesting that we AGREE some Thread Etiquette to HELP people who might feel anxious about posting, we are not trying to IMPOSE rules, just relating this to facilitating groups, so that people feel safe and able to participate as fully as they can.