Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

Good morning all! Big hugs and warm handshakes to all, it looks like we all need them right now. I am thinking of everyone going through a hard time right now, I won't reply individually yet because I am so paranoid I am worried that I will say the wrong thing but just know you all mean the world to me and I only wish for comfort and happiness in your lives.

Ok, send me all the dogs! I will take every one!

I am a paranoid and anxious mess. Nothing has gone wrong, it is entirely biochemical. This is the point where I start to wish it would get worse. I find when my chemicals mess up there is a middle stage (now) where I am not quite ill enough to take a pile of anti-psychotics but not well enough to function. I have always found that when my chemicals crash totally that then they then improve again, it is this middle stage that feels like it goes on forever. If everything is going to plummet get it over with!

Current worry list just to show you how bizarre it is, you may laugh. I am half-laughing-

Liver failure, brain haemorrhage, bowel cancer
Death of Lynsey De Paul (I didn't cause it, right?)
Nuclear war (why?!)
Being evicted
Failing my next benefit review (which isn't due for 15 months but worrying anyway!)
Benefit cards
WaSp dying
Someone breaking into my flat
A house fire
That I am stupid, annoying, selfish and boring and everyone will realise soon and leave me
People listening at my door
People climbing up ladders to look through my windows (what?)
A sudden flat inspection
What would happen to WaSp if I died
That everyone has real worries that are genuinely important and here I am being pathetic worrying over nothing just because I happen to have a chemical mess in my brain right now and I am not worth anyone's time
A feeling of impending doom that something I haven't thought of is going to go wrong and that I am going to make that happen because it hasn't occurred to me

Err yeah... I am attaching my anxiety and paranoia to anything no matter how ludicrous it is. I KNOW that I am doing this but still can't stop. I am thoroughly annoying myself.

elsien

Flying visit as I am heading off for the day to visit a relative.
Was, sorry I can't reply in full, but would a list help.
Step liver away from Dr Google. Liver cancer etc already ruled out, your psychosis must be getting desperate if it's started repeating itself
You're not that powerful.
nuclear war? That was the sixties, tell the psychosis its behind the times.
benefits cards - ref yesterday's posts.
The voices are the selfish and boring ones. Stupid selfish and boring doesn't get and keep a thread like this going which is so supportive and helpful
a sudden flat inspection. Pah, cupboard of doom is sorted, everything else is on the way . We laugh in the face of inspections.
and you have an army of dogs ready willing and able (hi gitdog) to take on the world for you.
Will that do for now, can someone else carry on. See you all tomorrow.

codemonkey

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Good morning all! Big hugs and warm handshakes to all, it looks like we all need them right now. I am thinking of everyone going through a hard time right now, I won't reply individually yet because I am so paranoid I am worried that I will say the wrong thing but just know you all mean the world to me and I only wish for comfort and happiness in your lives.

Ok, send me all the dogs! I will take every one!

I am a paranoid and anxious mess. Nothing has gone wrong, it is entirely biochemical. This is the point where I start to wish it would get worse. I find when my chemicals mess up there is a middle stage (now) where I am not quite ill enough to take a pile of anti-psychotics but not well enough to function. I have always found that when my chemicals crash totally that then they then improve again, it is this middle stage that feels like it goes on forever. If everything is going to plummet get it over with!

Current worry list just to show you how bizarre it is, you may laugh. I am half-laughing-

Liver failure, brain haemorrhage, bowel cancer unlikely
Death of Lynsey De Paul (I didn't cause it, right?) No. No you did not. You are not that powerful
Nuclear war (why?!) unlikely
Being evicted You pay your rent so they can't evict you
Failing my next benefit review (which isn't due for 15 months but worrying anyway!) You won't. You need your benefits because you are not fit to work at present.
Benefit cards a cheap policy to try to win votes. It will be too much hassle to implement
WaSp dying hopefully not until he's an old, old man
Someone breaking into my flat sir pugliet will defend the realm. Also burgulars would prefer an empty flat so you're safe
A house fire You've reduced the risk by stopping smoking
That I am stupid, annoying, selfish and boring and everyone will realise soon and leave me You are wonderful, unselfish, possibly the most interesting person I've ever 'met'. You created this thread and helped people understand mental illness. You are a beautiful person and we all love you. [\color]
People listening at my door Why would someone do that? Other people would see and make them go away. If you're worried, start singing loudly and badly.
People climbing up ladders to look through my windows (what?) See above. Close the curtains or give all the windows the finger
A sudden flat inspection Your landlord legally has to give you at least 24 hours notice which is plenty of time to prepare
What would happen to WaSp if I died He would be very sad. But that's not going to happen for a long, long time.


Err yeah... I am attaching my anxiety and paranoia to anything no matter how ludicrous it is. I KNOW that I am doing this but still can't stop. I am thoroughly annoying myself.

Don't be so hard on yourself. This is your condition talking, not you. We all love you. Go find a cuddly toy and a blanket, listen to some rain or sea sounds.

Also dumbass dog says an extra waggy tail licky hello.

Dunno why one of those color tags isn't working.

Waves_and_Smiles

Hahahaha! Hello dumbass dog and GitDog!

Thank you both so much, it does actually help me if people take each worry and tell me why it won't happen individually. Thank you for being so kind about me, too. I don't like myself very much atm because I am just annoying myself. Even though it is horrendous at the time a sudden burst of psychosis that lasts a few hours that I can then kill with anti-psychotics is easier than this. At least it passes relatively quickly.

I am also fighting a very contrary to my worry list urge to stop taking my medication, cancel all of my benefits and get a job. Now, for a start I can't get out of the door so that would be interesting! I am not about to do it but it feels free and exciting and as if then everything would be alright. It is psychosis talking and a little mania, too.

Instead I am going to take my morning dose of medication in an hour and stay here under a blanket, cuddling Sir Pugliet and try to distract myself. I am thinking of returning to my old method of distraction which is game after game of Solitare. When I was very ill I would play it without a break for 8 hours at a time, thinking of nothing but the numbers and pictures on the cards. It was the only way to block my thoughts.

A happy thing-
The sun is shining here and it is relatively warm. People are going to work and school and life is going on as usual. No disasters are about to happen and people are living their everyday lives. Everything is as it should be. (Now I need to tell myself that every minute).

seven-day-weekend

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Good morning all! Big hugs and warm handshakes to all, it looks like we all need them right now. I am thinking of everyone going through a hard time right now, I won't reply individually yet because I am so paranoid I am worried that I will say the wrong thing but just know you all mean the world to me and I only wish for comfort and happiness in your lives.

Ok, send me all the dogs! I will take every one!

I am a paranoid and anxious mess. Nothing has gone wrong, it is entirely biochemical. This is the point where I start to wish it would get worse. I find when my chemicals mess up there is a middle stage (now) where I am not quite ill enough to take a pile of anti-psychotics but not well enough to function. I have always found that when my chemicals crash totally that then they then improve again, it is this middle stage that feels like it goes on forever. If everything is going to plummet get it over with!

Current worry list just to show you how bizarre it is, you may laugh. I am half-laughing-

Liver failure, brain haemorrhage, bowel cancer
Death of Lynsey De Paul (I didn't cause it, right?)
Nuclear war (why?!)
Being evicted
Failing my next benefit review (which isn't due for 15 months but worrying anyway!)
Benefit cards
WaSp dying
Someone breaking into my flat
A house fire
That I am stupid, annoying, selfish and boring and everyone will realise soon and leave me
People listening at my door
People climbing up ladders to look through my windows (what?)
A sudden flat inspection
What would happen to WaSp if I died
That everyone has real worries that are genuinely important and here I am being pathetic worrying over nothing just because I happen to have a chemical mess in my brain right now and I am not worth anyone's time
A feeling of impending doom that something I haven't thought of is going to go wrong and that I am going to make that happen because it hasn't occurred to me

Err yeah... I am attaching my anxiety and paranoia to anything no matter how ludicrous it is. I KNOW that I am doing this but still can't stop. I am thoroughly annoying myself.

Just so you know.....my husband says what's the problem, seems like normal life to him! (He says the only one he's not bothered about is the death of Lyndsey de Paul - which was absolutely NOT your fault). These are the sort of things that he worries about too.

Just to show that it is not you,you can't help feeling that way, it's the chemical imbalance that is causing you to feel this way.

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you so much, SDW. Please thank you husband, too. It really does help to know that others have similar thoughts, anxiety like this can be very isolating. Of course, I wish that your husband didn't know what it is like, I would much prefer it if he could be worry-free. I have been wondering how you both were as I wonder about everyone who hasn't posted for a while. It is good to hear from you!

seven-day-weekend

Oh WaS, thank you for caring about him when you have so many problems of your own, what a lovely kind person you are xxxxx.

He had one really good day this week, that made us both realise what things were like when he was not anxious/depressed. It was a really laid-back, happy-go-lucky, angst-free day, the sort of day we used to have when we were first married in our twenties, it was lovely.

One thing though, we have both decided that he might need to go back on the AD.. At least for six months or so, to see if they help.

However we both wished we knew what made the difference when he had the good day, we'd ask for it on prescription!!

Pyxis

Yes, WaS, 7DW's hubby is right, these are normal worries for most intelligent people!

Things like the burglar worry you can take control of, by ensuring you you have good locks on doors and windows

People listening at the door - what would they actually hear? Not a lot! Would be very boring !

Looking in windows - here's a scenario.......person wakes up in morning and thinks, " I know what I'll do today! I'll get that big, cumbersome, heavy ladder out of the garage and lug it around the streets, knocking people over as I go, and then I think I'll put it up against some random windows and climb up and see if I can peer in."
What I say is, that person will be joined in mid-air by a pink porcine animal with alar pretruberances.


Re a house fire. Again you can take control. Do you have smoke alarms? Checked regularly? Now you're on the e-cigs, presumably you don't need a lighter any more? If you want to be extra safe, you could ask for a check from the fire brigade, it's free, and you get a visit from a - mmmmm Fireman(!), - who sees if there are any other things you could do.

You most certainly did not cause the death of Linsey de Paul.


Impending doom....well, I always feel that there's some impending doom that I haven't thought of/prepared for. That's why, although not superstitious in any other other way, I always touch wood rather than tempt fate by saying I'm fine, or things are ok, and not touching wood.

You are not being pathetic by worrying, we all do. Remember, the warriors are the survivors!

You are not stupid or boring or selfish or annoying. On the contrary, you are intelligent, very interesting, altruistic and a calming presence.

There!

Waves_and_Smiles

I am so pleased that your husband had a good day! That can give so much hope, you both know that it's possible. It must have been wonderful for both of you, I really am so glad that you both got to share that.

Six months on antidepressants could help. The thing to remember is when we are anxious over a long period of time it can cause a chemical imbalance that needs to be rectified. This is no different than a diabetic needing insulin, it becomes a physical condition that needs treatment just like any other condition. Take me for example, I do have emotional disorders but I also have ones that are basically physical in nature. My Schizophrenia isn't because I am anxious or something bad happened to me, it is because there is something wrong with my chemicals. No amount of talking about it will make that go away, it needs medical treatment. A six month course of antidepressants should be enough to right any physical problem, after that you can both look at the emotional difficulties that may be left.

I wish you both all the luck in the world with this and please do pop in when you can and let us know how everything is going. I would never forget about either of you.

lostinrates

I need to get to the shops. If that's all I do today outside critter chores.

I've had a shower, I've got straight up orange blossom eau de toilette on. Oi've got heavy duty moisturiser on, and I'm dressed. But all that wore me out.

I'm taking a break till eleven. Then I'll go.