Just needed to be heard for a little while

codemonkey

As we're being honest

Penguin
I grew up in a huge family and my siblings reproduced like rabbits and my parents were always squeezing more and more kids in to help them. In reality for me this meant that although my basic needs were met, I was seen as the 'good child' and left to get on with it. More than that, from a very early age, I was expected to look after the children (as many as 10) and when my mum got ill, I had to do even more. I was made to feel bad and selfish if I refused or needed to do my homework orwanted to go out and be a normal teenager. Even when I got glandular fever, I still had to keel looking after the kids. My schoolwork suffered and I didnt get the grades I needed. I managed to squeeze onto a course at a pretty rubbish uni but even then, I wasn't allowed to leave home. Not all that traumatic really but it left me feeling like second best, like I wasn't good enough to be put first, ever and thus became the theme of my relationships. I dated a lot of men, most of whom were comparing me to their exs and I always came up short. They wanted me for sumo and not much else.

A few months after the breakup of a relationship so bad it almost sent me over the edge, I was getting better. I was almost confident and happy. Then one night I'd been at a play with a friend and we had a few drinks after. I lived near the pub and I decided to walk home. About 5 minutes from my flat I realised that there was a guy following me. I stopped to allow him to pass and he stopped to. I tried to get back to a more populated street but he grabbed me and he tried to rape me. I always thought I'd fight back but I just froze. At one point I thought I heard someone coming and screamed for help. Whoever it was didn't help but the guy broke his hold on me to punch me in the face and I remember thinking that this was it, he was going to knock me out and rape me and there was nothing I could do. Still not sure what happened but his punch didn't fully connect and I managed to get away. I made my next mistake then. I called the police. They were less than sympathetic. They asked me what I expected after walking home in a skirt. They implied it was because I'd been drinking (I wasn't drunk) and they said it was a pity he didn't rape me because then there'd be some DNA. After that, I cut my waist length hair and changed the colour. A few weeks later the police came back and said they got nowhere with the investigstion and there was no cctv of me at all and they'd asked around and nobody had seen a girl with shoulder length brown hair (my new style). I find it hard to believe that I walked along a busy road full of cameras and not one caught me so I think they didn't bother investigating at all. I found out that the same thing happened to my friend in the same street with a guy who matched the description of the one who attacked me. As far as I'm aware, he's still out there.

It didn't change my sumoing but i can't bear to be restrained and I can't cope with people standing close behind me. I can't deal with crowds and I get very anxious.

Catch up to now, when I met DH, I realised that he didn't have the same sumo drive as me and he suffered from !!!!!! ejaculation and I made the decision that sumo wasn't the be all and end all. A few years later we tried for a child and after a few years of unsuccessful trying, sumoing became a regimented thing, governed by pee sticks. After all the tests we found out DH has an XXY genetic profile (you'd never know to look at him - he has 5 o clock shadow at 10am) and thus a zero sperm count. So for a while sumoing became pointless. Then the TN hit and the cocktail of drugs killed my sex drive so for a while, it reversed and DH was the one wanting sumo. And now my new drug seems less of a chemical cosh my sumo drive is back but I've gained so much weight and lost all my self confidence. I feel like a rung out old rag most of the time.

End penguin.

On the positive side its a beautiful morning here and dumbass dog is feeling better. I got greeted by a very waggy tail this morning.

codemonkey

oystercatcher wrote: »

Interesting discussions .....
no time to comment as have to travel with family to a funeral today. Social anxiety and feeling tired and unwell will be more of a problem than grief....... that sounds awful ! What I mean is I didn't know the person very well . Am a bit worried the whole thing will remind me of another bereavement which does upset me though.

Hope Haybel's appt goes well and JM's move..

must get ready........

Good luck for the funeral today. Hope it goes as well as it can.

Good luck for the appointment and move haybel and JM

whitewing

Good luck today, haybel.

WaS, are you okay?

lostinrates

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

LIR, I have known many very liberal sumo couples in all kinds of different situations and I support them totally. .

Some of my friends doubted this relationship of mine would last on many counts. .


Code monkey, it is a nice day. (((((Code monkey)))))

Waves_and_Smiles

Penguin reply! They are everywhere this morning!

Oh, Codemonkey, have a hug or a warm handshake. You have been through so much. I do relate to your childhood, I was responsible for my parents through their illnesses and their main carer. I didn't even attempt my exams at 16, I had missed so much school by then that it was pointless but fortunately for me I found the strength to distance myself a little and catch up the following year.

Your experience in the street is awful! The police reaction is even worse! I cannot imagine how terrible you must have felt. You know that it wasn't your fault, right? The guy was completely to blame, you were completely innocent. You were treated appallingly afterwards, there is absolutely no excuse for how the police reacted to you.

I am so sorry to read about your OH's fertility problems, I think that you are both very brave and strong to deal with that. I put on loads of weight when my thyroid condition developed and then even more when I began anti-psychotics and steroids. I know what it is like to want to hide all of the mirrors in the house. If your OH is anything like WaSp, though I bet he still finds you attractive. It doesn't make me feel great but it does help a little that I know that I am still attractive to someone. You are a truly lovely person and I am not just saying that, that is a huge attraction within itself.

Waves_and_Smiles

I am kind of ok, whitewing, thank you for asking. Very paranoid and anxious but I am soldiering on through it, determined not shut myself away. At least I am a little better than yesterday.

I am so glad that it has lasted for you, LIR. I honestly believe that no one has a right to judge another's relationship, it is between those involved and no one else. I have always believed that if my friends are happy then I am happy for them, no matter how differently they live to what we are told by the media and society that a relationship should be like. We don't all fit into neat little boxes no matter how much some people try to put us there.

Actually, there is the thing that makes me happy today. I have learned to look outside of the box, I have lived outside of one for a very long time now in many aspects. It has made me far more tolerant of others and I try never to judge anyone. I have a very strong live and let live attitude. It is my various conditions and life experiences that have made me this way so to me, something I am proud of came out of them. And that makes me happy.

lostinrates

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

I am kind of ok, whitewing, thank you for asking. Very paranoid and anxious but I am soldiering on through it, determined not shut myself away. At least I am a little better than yesterday.

I am so glad that it has lasted for you, LIR. I honestly believe that no one has a right to judge another's relationship, it is between those involved and no one else. I have always believed that if my friends are happy then I am happy for them, no matter how differently they live to what we are told by the media and society that a relationship should be like. We don't all fit into neat little boxes no matter how much some people try to put us there.

I what amused some of my friends is our relationship is pretty well perfectly normal! :rotfl:

Waves_and_Smiles

Hahahahaha! There might have been some disappointment there! I know my friends were stunned when I settled down with WaSp, I had only had one year long relationship beforehand and 3 over a couple of months, the rest of the time was spent with a lot of FWB. Even WaSp was one of the latter for a year beforehand, neither of us were committed to each other and had other FWB who we would openly discuss with each other, but we were best friends. No one expected to me to settle into something so long term, in fact neither did I, and yet here I am 25 years later.

whitewing

For some reason, I missed all the penguin posts earlier when I logged on.

You are are lovely, brave people!

codemonkey, a special hug for you today too.

jobbingmusician

Yes, so did I! I wonder if the site was playing up, because suddenly there they were, and they definitely weren't there first thing. I agree with WW - big hugs all round xxx

I'm not going to say anything about sumo on here because there are too many people (mostly boys with too much testosterone for their own good!) who might lurk over from the MB board. But please don't think that because I am not discussing sumo I am being prudish or disapproving.

What does a sumo penguin look like, anyway?