Just needed to be heard for a little while

lostinrates

Do you think Gitdog and the kiwi are in cahoots? Both sneaking up?

Before this sleeping malarkey, I used to cope on very little sleep, I look back and wonder how I did it, burning the candles both ends. I was full of energy then too. All one can do is grin and shrug at times, and as Dibuzz wisely says, accept it for what it is and make the best of it. I bet most of us could count a lot of blessings like was.

whitewing

I am so tired that I don't know what day it is.

Counting blessings time:

Martial duties with DH this morning (yes, it is what you think it is - after post natal depression put me off somewhat, and then fear of getting pregnant by accident, it is lovely to be able to be spontaneous and not have to worry)

Random man telling me I look colourful in the sunshine,

Phonecall from a customer who wants more stuff from me (they had said they would but I didn't dare expect them too).

Someone paying me money a few days earlier than I expected.

A missed appointment turning up yesterday so I didn't lose out.

Washing on the line this morning.

DH working hard yesterday afternoon so I came to work this morning to find that most of the urgent jobs had been done already.

I also got a letter saying I was going to get a partial refund (one third of the value) of something. When the cheque arrived, it was for the full amount.

Rainbow coloured hair and doggy stories (not mine; I just like seeing them on the thread).

Lots of things to be thankful about.

oystercatcher

I wish I had the courage (and finances!) to have rainbow hair. Because I had a kind of penguiny upbringing I've never done anything like that .....too late now

I fell asleep on the settee for two hours !! I have always found that lack of sleep affects my mental health. I hated it when I had to work night duty. I think giving husband early morning lifts to the station is having quite an effect on me and I've been struggling to adjust my sleep pattern. Hopefully his vehicle will be fixed soon and we can return to our usual routine.

Things to be happy about.... a lovely sunny dog walk.
Full-of Beans-Dog has achieved the very special 'No Puddles Indoors for a Whole Week' award :T. ( She came to us 5 months ago as a very very nervous rescue from Cyprus and is slowly but surely relaxing and adjusting and learning )
A sunny day and I have remembered to get the washing machine going in time to catch it

lostinrates

oystercatcher wrote: »

I wish I had the courage (and finances!) to have rainbow hair. Because I had a kind of penguiny upbringing I've never done anything like that .....too late now
H

Finances are a very real problem and personally I never advocate vanity over security.

But....

Too late now?

Never too late. If I were enjoying a normal life with no health problems I'd kinda be toeing the line as a corporate wife and while I'd always dress within the boundaries and be respectable I'd be tiptoeing a long the line. My hair is its own thing, colour is respectable, but the curls push British boundaries enough I find. But when the colour is harder to tweak subtlety if I'm still here I will stop toeing the line so well, and jump on over it.

A few months ago I saw a quite older lady all in shades of flame, her clothes. Her hair, her lip stick, her nail varnish. Her posture was stunning, and she was trim and her partner was really not so dapper, but she looked amazing, I was awed. In fact, she also looked somewhat intimidating, I often trot up to people and say

'I just wanted to tell you I like your hair/ top/ earrings'. But she was a bit scary looking too. But I still think she looked fab.

Waves_and_Smiles

Things to be happy about- I have written a ridiculous amount of pages in Word taken from everyone's comments here telling myself that I am not blame for others suffering, deaths and general world disasters and I think that with everyone's help I have lessened the creeping psychosis.

You all like me (I hope!) so I can't be that bad or I am insulting all of you by saying that you are bad judges of character. I trust everyone here so for today I will trust that you see the good in me that I cannot.

JM, what you said about mothers teaching separation in childhood is very relevant. I had almost no separation teaching. In fact my mother taught me the opposite-that I had power over whether she lived or died, that I could hurt her and others, that even objects were hurt because of me. She didn't teach me that there were things that I couldn't control in the world, she taught me that I was in control of everything including her well-being and therefore anything bad that happened must be my fault. She painted herself as the victim to my controlling aggression and I grew up believing that to be true from a very young age. Caring for my parents when they were so ill re-enforced that further, I really did have the power over their life or death on many occasions. Then they took their own lives which just felt as if I had failed.

As an adult I can rationalise that nothing was ever my fault and I logically understand that I cannot control the world. But in those important years when my personality was forming it was confirmed to me over and over again that any pain suffered by anyone was indeed my fault. The child in me still believes that and to an extent may always do so, I just have to learn how to reassure her that she doesn't control others life and death and try to convince her that she cannot be responsible for all of the worlds wrongs.

I am not that powerful.

whitewing

Dear WaS-child, you honestly are not to blame for your parents' suicides. They were ill and you did your very best to support them in terrible circumstances. Be proud of yourself, WaS-child. (And tell WaS to get on with her book - that will help you more than you know).

dibuzz

whitewing wrote: »

Martial duties with DH this morning (yes, it is what you think it is - after post natal depression put me off somewhat, and then fear of getting pregnant by accident, it is lovely to be able to be spontaneous and not have to worry)

I'm just wondering if it's karate or judo based

whitewing

Ha, you think you're funny!

Sadly, it was more like sumo wrestling as my weight loss has statified. (Can't think of the correct word).

My eyes hurt too (but, we did not include eyeball licking in this morning's activities).

dibuzz

Well it's supposed to be good exercise

oystercatcher

lostinrates wrote: »

Finances are a very real problem and personally I never advocate vanity over security.

But....

Too late now?

Never too late. If I were enjoying a normal life with no health problems I'd kinda be toeing the line as a corporate wife and while I'd always dress within the boundaries and be respectable I'd be tiptoeing a long the line. My hair is its own thing, colour is respectable, but the curls push British boundaries enough I find. But when the colour is harder to tweak subtlety if I'm still here I will stop toeing the line so well, and jump on over it.

A few months ago I saw a quite older lady all in shades of flame, her clothes. Her hair, her lip stick, her nail varnish. Her posture was stunning, and she was trim and her partner was really not so dapper, but she looked amazing, I was awed. In fact, she also looked somewhat intimidating, I often trot up to people and say

'I just wanted to tell you I like your hair/ top/ earrings'. But she was a bit scary looking too. But I still think she looked fab.

A lot of it is a confidence thing I guess. I know what you mean and I'd love to be like the lady dressed in flame....but it just doesn't seem to work on me ! I was supposed to be the corporate wife with my first husband and couldn't cope with the social stuff. All part of the dreadful demise of that marriage ! Current husband is kind and lovely....but impotent, and that doesn't make me feel attractive either. We've reached stalemate on that one and it's become 'the elephant in the room' that is never discussed, our own personal penguin ! No more sumo wrestling here , not ever again [sob]