Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

Good evening all!

Elsien, you have good reason to feel as you do! You have just been through a major life change. There is nothing 'wrong' with what you are feeling, don't try to push it away. I would be more worried if you said that you had never felt better in your life. This is a natural reaction and it will pass.

Illness penguin below!

The actress Linda Bellingham has said she is stopping her cancer treatment in November so that she can have one last Christmas and then die with her family. I feel like it's my fault. Like there is something that I have forgotten that would help her. I feel so sad and guilty, but yet I can stand back and realise it isn't my fault at all. It still feels as if it is.

Penguin gone!

codemonkey

WaS, it's not. It's really not.

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you Codemonkey, as daft as it sounds it helps when people say it isn't. It is because of the guilt I have of not being able to save my parents as a child, no matter how much I took on household tasks, missed school and cared for them both still suicided and were very ill for all of my childhood. I have never lost the guilt and it sort of escapes onto other similar situations combined with a bit of psychosis. Similar situations make me feel as if I haven't done enough or messed up.

System

codemonkey wrote: »

WaS, it's not. It's really not.

I agree with codemonkey, it's not your fault, and as hard as it is she has made her choice and she's accepted it so there's nothing ANYONE including you or us can do, so please don't blame yourself.

- - -

I'm currently full of cold (i'm blaming the fella.. :eek: ..there may have been some kissing last sunday )but have an easyish week of work and a great birthday weekend planned! Oh and the hosuemate who i hate with a passion has apparently moved out so double happy :j

lostinrates

Certainly not was.

In fact, rather than any one s's fault sounds like a choice she's proactively making. Not everyone feels its the worst one. . Does it help to realise not every one thinks its the worst outcome?


I'm having some minor issues. I think I might have mentioned there is some sort of issue and my pharmacists could not get one of my drugs this month and so I am on a different form of same thing, but I am very slightly intolerant to this form.

Its by no means crippling or frightful but I am finding it just a little frustrating. I am on my own a bit next week ( hurrah) and there has been some discussion today as to whether I will physically cope. I totally believe I will, though accept only the bare necessities will get done.

I don't need to drive anywhere after tomorrow morning and that's very short round trip.

And if wort did come to the worst I could call some one.

I feel ok, both emotionally and really health wise, but its made me think more about how suffocating encroaching boundaries and closer, smaller boundaries are, and how fearful I am of some of the now presumed progressions of things for me as much because of the loss of independence and solitude.

Errata

WAS Just remind yourself that you're not that powerful.

Waves_and_Smiles

I have saved that quote, Errata, thank you so much. I am not that powerful. A lot of psychosis symptoms tend to be based around thinking that you have far more (often negative) power than you do, it is important for me to remember that I am just another human. A lot of my psychotic thoughts tend to be that I have control over and life and death and that I am failing at using my powers to save people and it most certainly isn't true. I am not that powerful.

Thank you, LIR. It is also important for me to remember that her decision was made because she wanted it. It is different to my parents suicides which were out of despair and mental illness, in this case it isn't the same thing at all.

I hope you manage to have a few relaxing days, LIR. The solitude is scary, I have always clung desperately to the independence I have. On several occasions it has been mentioned that I might be better in a supported living environment, it would be easier for WaSp, but I really can't bear the thought. It is very important to me to have as much as independence as I can, even if it is a lot less than other people and I will and do fight for it.

Good news other the cold MU, but woohoo for how you got it! So glad to know that it is going so well for you!

whitewing

I've been doing a bit of extra kissing too lately, although 'only' my husband. The coil has made a big difference - it's lovely not to have to think about contraception / post natal depression risks any more. (My period did last for about two weeks but it is still early days).

Life is getting in the way a bit of actual 'making love' though. DD resists all attempts for an afternoon nap!

WaS, I saw about Linda earlier but didn't want to post in case you hadn't. Would we be better to assume that you will see about these situations and post when we notice them?

It's difficult to think of anything that you could or should have done, especially as a child (and even now as an adult), to make anything better for any of the people you feel you should have helped. I firmly believe that none of it was your responsibility. You had plenty enough to contend with for simply surviving your experiences.

I also believe that the good coming out of this thread does plenty to assist with and prevent further suffering for a whole lot of people. I don't recall having had a full blown suicidal thought since I joined it.

elsien

I value my solitude and being able to shut the world out if I want to. If I did ever need more help for any reason, I think losing that would be very difficult, particularly as I'm used to living on my own. A week away with friends sharing a room is plenty to be going on with. Supported living has its value, but in my area is going more towards sharing with 4 or 5 others. Definitely not for everyone.

And in other news, Gitdog has shown further evidence of his inability to multitask. Out for a 2 hour walk, back home for 10 minutes and he's desperate for a wee. Because he was so busy being a pillock (and probably getting his own back for me being a moody cow) that he didn't actually get round to doing what we'd gone out for.

Pyxis

codemonkey wrote: »

How did the performance go?

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Yes, how did it go, Pyxis and what was it?

Hi everyone! Phew!
Well, the performances went ok! It was just a series of very short pieces, a mixture of stuff, including some songs and some choreo, no solos, just a lot of fun! To a local paying audience, for charity. I couldn't take part in all the pieces, due to having been ill and not knowing them well enough as a result, but it was still good fun!

Sorry I didn't reply last night! After my post, I fell asleep, watching my recording of Dr Who, zonked out! TV still on and everything! Woke up in small hours, turned it off, fell asleep again and didn't reawaken till 8a.m.! Very, very late for me! Then have been out all day! Have just eaten and rewatched the Dr. Who episode I fell asleep in the middle of, last night.

codemonkey wrote: »

Hi DUKE. Would you like a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie? I just made them.

can I have one? But with the chips picked out?


Elsien, I totally agree with WaS. You're finding your feet in a new, unpalatable situation, and battling with the powers that be, to boot! You have every right to be grumpy and/or tearful! Grump away!

xXMessedUpXx what's the latest on the new beau?

LostInRates, it sounds like you'll be fine this week. Glad you have some backup options. Why not treat it as a sort of holiday, you know, one where for the week you're not going to even attempt chores, but catch up on your reading/TV/crosswords/whatever grabs you, even, if the weather is good, sitting out in the garden, vegging, (pardon the pun!), and sniffing the breeze! Eating a few treats, too!


WaS! Like LIR said, it was Linda's choice, and probably a good choice. To have some quality time, rather than dwindling her last days away in the hospital. It's choices and it's control, control of her own destiny, and you wouldn't deny her that.
So how could it be your fault? It's not! Not not not not not!