Just needed to be heard for a little while

the_money_pit

Apologies for jumping in, I haven't read all this thread but am fascinated and moved to hear your experiences. I wondered have you heard of Carolyn Spring from PODS, Positive Outcomes for Dissociative Sufferers @www.carolynspring.co.uk . I find her stuff really informative.
Hi all also

whitewing

Hello money pit,

No, I haven't heard of Carolyn but I will check it out later.

ETA: Looks interesting, here is the link http://www.carolynspring.co.uk/about.html

jobbingmusician

the_money_pit wrote: »

Apologies for jumping in, I haven't read all this thread but am fascinated and moved to hear your experiences. I wondered have you heard of Carolyn Spring from PODS, Positive Outcomes for Dissociative Sufferers @www.carolynspring.co.uk . I find her stuff really informative.
Hi all also

No need to apologise! This is an inclusive thread and we welcome all newcomers who are interested in mental health :beer:

Waves_and_Smiles

Good morning! *Waves to money pit* You are welcome to join in! I haven't read anything by Caolyn Spring but I shall have a look! I am always interested in new ways to look at dissociation, thank you so much posting!

I do think that is a good sign from your DH, whitewing. I know what you mean because WaSp protects me, too. It has got better the last few years but he had a habit of sitting in silence and mulling over things by himself for fear of upsetting me, which then did upset me because I thought that I had caused his problem!

I am shaky today and jumping at every noise but that's business as usual after an other worlds episode. I also have a psychosis headache but it's not too bad as after migraine it seems quite mild. I find pain relative to what has gone before it. My carer asked if I thought the migraine was related to yesterday but I don't think so because the psychosis headache is different to migraine which is primarily over one eye only and causes sickness and flashing lights. I think it was just a coincidence really. So today is a day under a blanket with Sir Pugliet and taking things easy whilst trying not to jump 6ft in the air everytime a car drives by. I can't get the image from yesterday of my mother collapsed on the floor out of my head. It was something I saw a lot as a child and it terrified me everytime. Also the cold and glassy look in her eyes. I have never seen it in anyone else, it looked as if the person had left the body, there was just nothing there. I always knew that she would try to hurt me then.

I do agree that the comforting of Lucee was a positive. On talking to Lucee today she says she remembers when I saved her from the "bad mummy" so I think something did shift for the positive there. A lot of the, at the time new therapy procedure I did with the inner world was putting me in a semi-hypnotic state and seeing me as a child being abuse and stepping in as an adult to save little me. I would literally yell at my mother and scoop up little me and take her away from the situation so I may have managed something similar. I can't recall that happening before during an other world incident so I am very happy about that.

whitewing

WaS, I am at work so I may be clumsy with my penguin words.



Penguin alert..............................................


(After the first time), why was it so terrifying to see her collapsed on the floor? Surely that meant she couldn't hurt you? Were you terrified of her dying? Or were you terrified that you almost wanted her to die (if that's not insensitive. I don't mean that you'd want anyone to die, just that you would want the abuse and your and her suffering to stop)

Waves_and_Smiles

This is penguin reply, I am not upset but others might be reading this so please be careful. It talks about feelings towards death of a parent and it isn't particularly kind but it's honest. Please PLEASE be very careful about reading this.

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This could really upset people, be careful! Highlight to read
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I was terrified that she was dead when I found her on the floor, terrified that I had caused it and also terrified that I was put in the situation of whether she lived or died. My mother was very bad at taking medication for anything, she often messed up her diabetes medication or would use too much insulin as a punishment for me, telling me that she had taken too much and that I had forced her to do so and everyone would know that I had killed her. When she collapsed with low blood sugar I would then force glucose into her mouth which would eventually dissolve and then she would wake up. These collapses caused her to lash out as if she was a violent drunk and she would hit and kick me so as I did when she was psychotic I would lie on top of her to hold her still.

I was terrified everytime this happened and I knew the full responsibility to keep her alive was on my shoulders. But there was another part of me that knew that if I didn't give her the medication she would die and I would be free. That part terrified me even more. I hated that there was a tiny part of me that thought that this could be my way out and that made me a lot more scared and full of self-hatred than anything else. Obviously I never acted on it but it was always a momentary thought. It was a child's simplified view of the situation but I still haven't forgiven myself for it. It also confirmed to my child's mind that I was the murderer that she always told me I was.

jobbingmusician

Oh dear, I may be oversensitive but that feels a bit like a CBP, or at least a big scary penguin, to me. It's a very good question but I think it might be better asked in a different way (and sadly I am enmeshed in a funding bid so can't think about it for a while.)

ETA - I was obviously being over-sensitive. WaS's reply is brilliant, as ever

Waves_and_Smiles

It's ok JM. I am more worried about my reply, I need to put a few more ^ ^ ^ in I think!

whitewing

Penguns








Don't you think that your second paragraph was a perfectly normal human reaction to a situation out of control? I think you need to forgive yourself.


Another penguin................

One of the things that I hated as a suicidal teenager was the thought of meeting my mother in the afterlife. Now, my mother's issues were mostly that she wouldn't make a single decision without referring to my father. That doesn't sound so bad but it does mean that she was emotionally neglectful.

I still worry about this 'tunnel' and light when you die (from other people's near death experiences). I Even if it is just a biochemically prompted event, I think, will I have good experiences or not. This is going to get rambly as I don't prod it that often any more.

whitewing

That's it - all of my penguin stuff for today is over