Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

Hahahahahaha! I shall tell him that Pyxis!

Oddly or not I don't get triggered when waSp threatens to do things to my cuddlies or jokes about killing fairies because I trust him completely, also he is just as soppy as me with animals! When I had cats it was him that held them in his arms like babies and cooed at them and let them get away with all sorts of naughty things! He is just as emotional and sensitive as I am although being a man only I see it, to the rest of the world he keeps his manly shield in place! I remember the first time I showed him Sir Pugliet and he held him and said cute little thing and scratched his head, he really is like me and would secretly save any fairy in danger. We spend most of the time joking with each other but underneath it all we do love and trust each other very much.

Today was a bit of a disaster. I dreamt about my mother, couldn't wake up properly and somehow ended up half awake and trapped in the past world. I am back now but I could have done without it and so could WaSp! Interestingly it's just before TOTM again, I do wonder about hormone changes.

I shall write it down for anyone interested in a bit when I further get my bearings.

elsien

Well just in case you still weren't 100% sure, this is definitely back in the real world. Fairy splatterers and all. Welcome back and I'd like to hear your story when you're ready.

Although by this time tomorrow I might be wishing it was all a dream. I'm having my hair cut in an attempt to look a bit less wild and woolly (and dare I say it, old) for interviews. The last time I had shorter hair I was still at school.:eek: (I did ask if I could keep the bits and stick them back on if necessary.) It's a friend who's a hairdresser who's doing it and she said if she cuts more than 7 inches off I can donate it to some wig making charity thingy. I'm afraid my reply was slightly less charitable and along the lines of if she cut 7 inches off I'd be doing the same to her fingers.

whitewing

I'm interested too, WaS.

elsien

MU, meant to ask as well how your first day back at work went?

Waves_and_Smiles

This may come out garbled because I still feel confused but if I don't write it down parts of it will start to fade so please bear with me through the confusing parts, it was just as weird at the time. This references child abuse so may be a penguin for some so please don't read if you think it might trigger you.

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The dream started with me visiting my mother and ringing the doorbell. She didn't answer so I immediately thought that she was either psychotic or was in coma due to her diabetes (both scenarios used to happen frequently). I couldn't find my keys and was panicking when the door suddenly popped open. I walked into the hallway and she was collapsed on the floor so I immediately got her medication and tried to give it to her. She suddenly sat up and grabbed me by the throat and then I was outside of the door again and the situation repeated several times, basically a nested dream scenario.

I then woke up and made it to the living room but I could see an overshadow of my mothers flat over the room, like a transparent image of it over everything. I said to WaSp that I was stuck between worlds and help! and then I was back outside the door to my mother's flat again. This time I walked in and gave her, her medication and she sat up and told me that she had adopted two girls. I was horrified and knew that I had to save them.

I was asking her their names when suddenly I was in my inner world with Lucee who was crying and under her bed, terrified that my mother would find her. I told her not to be afraid and that I would protect her and then I was back looking at my mother who told me that I would never take her family away. I told her that I would do so and she slapped me and told me that they weren't evil like me so she wouldn't have the same problem.

I then heard WaSp telling me to take a pill and was temporarily back in this world as he popped pills in my mouth and gave me water. Before he even took the glass away from my mouth I was in a huge garden and hiding in the bushes from my mother. She was walking around with the same knife that she tried to stab me with when I was a teenager and I knew she would find me and kill me.

Suddenly I was back in the kitchen in the first dream scenario and my mother said she wanted her birthday present, I knew that, that meant abuse. Her eyes were cold and glassy, a look I recognised from when she was her most psychotic. She held the knife in her hands and told me that I was going to Hell and that I couldn't hide anymore, everyone knew that I had caused everything bad I had ever said happened to me.

Then I was in the inner world with Lucee again who was sobbing hysterically. I told her not to be afraid and that I would never let anyone hurt her before I quickly bounced back to my mother's flat. My arm was bleeding (which was what happened as a teenager when she tried to stab me) and she was walking slowly towards me and telling me that my time was up.

After that the shifting between worlds became more disjointed and faster (the memories are already fading (with more time spent in this one and eventually I stayed here although I wasn't quite sure that this was the real one for a while).

I apparently looked the same as always, very stiff and still, crying silently at times but able to respond to commands such as to take pills. Now I am exhausted and my muscles hurt but otherwise no harm done. I could sleep for a week but I am still scared to let go of this world for now.

System

elsien wrote: »

MU, meant to ask as well how your first day back at work went?

It went better than expected thank you, i was a bit jittery to begin with but feel so much better about it now. Also found i have the weekend off so shall be making plans with friends

System

Oh WaS that sounds quite disorientating and scary for you

Can i ask is there anything that helps you ground yourself in this world so to speak?

And re: time of the month, my symptoms are always worse in the week leading up to mine. i tend to get depressive symptom sand all the negative manic ones (being irritable/risk taking/paranoia/etc)

Waves_and_Smiles

Well done, MU! You have a nice weekend to look forward, too! I hope that it is easier now that you have gone back today, I often find the anxiety beforehand is worse than the event itself.

Very little grounds me at the time, MU because I can't stay in this world for long enough. The episodes of screaming and hurting myself tend to be me trying to get back to this world but it rarely works. I am always aware of what is happening but I lose track of which world is real so I am never quite sure which one I am supposed to be grounding myself in.

System

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Well done, MU! You have a nice weekend to look forward, too! I hope that it is easier now that you have gone back today, I often find the anxiety beforehand is worse than the event itself.

I feel silly for building it up in my head, i always seem to think of the worst case scenario and focus on that! Everyone was really nice to me though. I don't feel as worried now i've gone back, feel a bit more calmer now. I think i'm over the worst of it (whatever "it" is)

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, good. I understand totally, I am the Queen of Catastrophising. Give me in a difficult situation and I have played out the worse case scenario in my head within seconds and then I fret about it incessantly. It is rarely as bad as I think it will be but I still do it. I am so glad you feel calmer and not long to go until you can spend a nice weekend with friends.