Just needed to be heard for a little while

whitewing

Yes, I delay having my shower and therefore sometimes would end up all day in nightclothes. I am less likely to want to leave the house. I get sensitive to MSE posts. I may go into rescue mode and start looking up a lot of things (more than normal!) I think of how people will be better off without me. How much easier their life will be as I become unable to realise that they would genuinely be devastated.I take comfort in the fact that I could suicide. It is a valid solution to the unbearable pain.
I read somewhere that depression is anger with apathy and I agree a lot with that. It's when I get tired of fighting and can't imagine it will ever be any different. It is such a thought process for me. How I think/react to a trigger makes me feel bad and if I get too many triggers in a short space of time, it slides into deeper depression. Triggers can be anything not actual reality. Happy events can be triggers because they will end or be twisted as undeserving in my mind.

For me, getting better has been longer times between triggers and less things triggering, and triggering in less intensity.

lostinrates

Elsien your question is apt for me.

I didn't. Fir thought I was suffering for a long time.

I am lucky if see a lot if doctors. I am always very pragmatic about my health and do not see longevity as the best outcome necessarily. This year however I was actively putting a lot in order so I could 'depart' on my own timescale out of what I saw as 'frustration' and an exhaustion combined with pragmatism. I now recognise it was exhaustion, frustration and depression.

What change for my is I told the consultant physician that I was too tired / frustrated and strung out to make another four to eight weeks four another appt and after over a decade of health problems with more questions than answers I felt my ride on this train was coming to an end. He gave me a prescription and said frankly, he was amazed I hadn't crumbled before now. My blood chemistry has been a big subject of interest this year, changes have been interesting, new things checked, looked at and a lot suggests it would me impossible to not feel something uneasy with a blood profile like mine ATM.

whitewing

And irritability increasing (although I usually hide it). Especially if I am tired, I get supersensitive to human smell and noise, especially when I am tired. It;s a long story but MIL lived with us for 6 months a few years ago. I used to complain to DH that I didn't like her smell. It drove him crazy as she didn't smell particularly, but it was distinctive to me. (It was before I had my proper diagnosis so now I understand what was going on).

My 'personal space' zone expands and I also become more sensitive to touch and seem less approachable.

elsien

Thanks for the answers everyone.

I think what made me wonder is the being jobless bit. I'm not worried for myself btw, it just made me think about people who are longer term unemployed, or who have financial stresses due to not working. Or any number of other reasons. But to personalise it a bit, just as a possible example. I am thoroughly enjoying being at home at the moment (summer and all that.) It is also taking me twice as long to get anything done because I have all the time in the world, so procrastination is a lot easier. And it just got me thinking about how easy it might be to slip into not going out, becoming unmotivated, hibernating a bit, with all the consequences for self esteem etc, and how easy (or not) it might then be to slide unnoticed into depression without realising what was happening.

As I say, I'm fine so please don't start worrying about me. Just got me thinking, that's all.

lostinrates

whitewing wrote: »

I think of how people will be better off without me. How much easier their life will be as I become unable to realise that they would genuinely be devastated.

This is a very big concern for me.

My husband is an intelligent, successful, talented, not unattractive man, who is kind and delightfully not standard. Though I feel VERY well loved, and know he would be devastated, I also have no doubt he could, and would marry again and should do 'better' next time! Nothing to do with depression. My physical health is poor, I cannot represent him well, in that old fashioned way, nor do I have a career of my own that represents us as a working unit. I worry him and drain him.

He is an excellent husband , I have no complaints! ( well, no serious ones ) but I worry for him a lot. I worry I am not fair to him. When we married we knew I was ill, and next of kin was important to us. But at what cost to him I wonder?

whitewing

There is a difference to me between depression and healing solitude. I had a weekend once when DS was with family and I sat in a chair for the whole weekend with my duvet and snacky food on the table and left my thoughts drift. That was renewing not depression.

The jobless people I know are mostly still going out and about, maybe popping to see relatives or still connecting with people. It's when the connecting seriously reduces and even MSE feels too much effort.

Pyxis

But LIR, it's called love!
He promised to love and cherish you in sickness and in health. It was his choice.

Turn it around - if he became ill, would you think you'd be better off without him? Of course not!

That's what love is all about!

lostinrates

Pyxis wrote: »

But LIR, it's called love!
He promised to love and cherish you in sickness and in health. It was his choice.

Turn it around - if he became ill, would you think you'd be better off without him? Of course not!

That's what love is all about!

No, but its a huge deal to have signed up to. Neither of us really knew. When we married I was meant to kick the bucket much sooner . Now I just keep on living in weirder more defunct ways, :rotfl:

Pyxis

lostinrates wrote: »

No, but its a huge deal to have signed up to. Neither of us really knew. When we married I was meant to kick the bucket much sooner . Now I just keep on living in weirder more defunct ways, :rotfl:

Well in that case, he must consider he's blessed, ie that you're still around!

jobbingmusician

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Other people feel like that,too? Really? Why didn't anyone tell me this?.

Sometimes you can learn about societal norms, and how other people feel, from sitcoms. These quite often poke fun at the human condition and our shared frailties - I've noticed before that they are poking fun at things that I thought were just me