Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw,so glad you had a wonderful time, whitewing!

I will brave it and put my reason here, thinking about it. Perhaps someone else might read it who feels something similar and realise it isn't just them.

My teacher friend let me know he and his wife met with one of his old pupils for lunch and had a really nice time, they are going to stay in touch. She said he inspired her to get her english degree and she teaches now.

I have two sets of thoughts about this.

Healthy version- I am really glad for him. He was a wonderful teacher and is very sociable and I am pleased he is now in touch with someone who will hopefully turn into a new friend for him. They have a lot in common both being teachers and it must have been lovely for him to hear that he inspired someone.

Unhealthy part- She is clearly better than me. They have more in common with each other and she actually made something of her life whereas I just wasted everything. He will like her more than me and compare us and I won't come close to measuring up and eventually he will talk to me less and less. Everytime he see's her he will be thinking why isn't WaS like that? She probably isn't as shy as me and she can go to lunch with him and do normal things, I can't do that. I bet that they had long conversations about interesting topics whereas I don't have anything to say a lot of the time because I don't do anything. She will make him feel proud of his work because she has done so well, I am just a disaster. Perhaps I should drift away before he realises how awful I am in comparison and gets frustrated with me and ends the friendship himself.

I have a pattern of this when I feel like I might be replaced. I have ended many friendships over it when I probably shouldn't have. I know that I am being ridiculous...

lostinrates

WaS.

Presumably you like all of us a little bit in different ways and would miss us in different ways were we not about? Your friend probably feels the same

. I think envy of friendships ( and relationships ) is surprisingly common and people do not like to admit it. I've seen it a lot in my own friendship group and I do not think its odd at all. I think its partly fear and often protective too. I think that you are brave enough to recognise the fear and envy shows what a good handle you have on it. I don't think its all about mental illness, I think a lot of it is about knowing yourself and honesty tbh.

Solarjunkie

Sounds pretty "normal" to me. You are able to split the feelings into 2 batches & label each one as healthy/unhealthy. For those of us without your training, we just get all those thoughts at once & wonder why!
Ever heard of a Friendship Cake? They do the rounds every few years, you get a batch of cake mix that grows as you feed it and then you divide it and pass it on. Each person adds a bit to it, so each version is a little bit different, slightly more spice or less butter. But the cake keeps going. Friendship is like that, there are many different versions, they all add a bit to the others, and the original keeps going!

Your good friend has been a friend for years.
He already has other friends.
Now he has one more.
This is a good thing!

haybel19

WaS big hugs. But how do you know he isn't thinking how proud of you for all you have achieved? You have survived- despite all odds. You have come out the other side a wonderful, kind, compassionate person who anyone would be lucky to have as a friend. Success comes in many forms.

I still stand by the saying I posted for you earlier in the thread.

"I personally measure success in terms of the contributions an individual makes to her or his fellow human beings. ~ Margaret Mead".

So you are very successful indeed.

You have been friends for many years- therefore he clearly values you greatly and you clearly have a special place in his heart. Over the years I am sure there would have been opportunities to walk away. Yet he never has. I believe you mentioned once him thinking of you as the daughter he never had... No higher praise or value could he give.

You are very close to him -why not seek his reassurance? Most people would be touched you thought enough of them to worry. I know I would. We all need a little TLC sometimes. Be kind to yourself...

By the way... you won't believe this- but the foot with the poorly stubbed pbig toe where the nail went black? Well i only stubbed another toe on same foot pulling off pat of the nail and oozing blood.. and it bleep bleep.... hurts!!

whitewing

Ow, haybel! You are in the wars.

WaS, it has taken me nearly 20 years to not feel suicidal on every GSCE and A level results day. This year has been the first year in my life that I have been genuinely, completely and utterly delighted with someone else's results without any kind of inadequacy or negativity.

I know exactly, exactly how you feel as I have done the same.

I also know, as a mother and with new blended extended families, that it is possible to expand your heart to like and love more people without taking away anything from the people you love before. g Today, I was so proud of DD as she wasn't jealous when I was cuddling the baby. She has always needed reassurance in similar situations before, but we have talked to her about it. You didn't get that and I guess you would get that now if you told WaSp. I have told DH of similar feelings. He doesn't tell me I am silly. He says that it a consequence of the childhood but will get better now I understand it more, and it has.

Pyxis

I completely agree with Whitewing, and can tell you that I have often felt like that, too.

It is the rejected child in us that feels those feelings. The adult in us can rationalise it till we're blue in the face, but then the rejected child comes back and oomph! Hit in the pit of the stomach again!

It does gradually wear off, over a few days, and the adult takes over again........... Till the next time!

seven-day-weekend

My husband has it too. If any authority figure praises or congratulates anyone else, my husband feels that he has not reached up to the mark and the authority figure will think he's a waste of time and not worth bothering with.

He can actually hear his mother's voice at times like this (she's been dead for years) telling him that he's too big for his boots, above himself, he'll never do any good, who does he think he is etc, etc......

He has learned over the years with much re-assurance from me that this is NOT how other authority figures see him, that he is an able, talented, personable and likeable man.....but in his heart he still believes his mother's voice. He has learned gradually not to react to it most times. He is 65 and still listening to the condemnation from his mother - things go so, so deep if they are put in when you are a child.

WaS, you have seen that there are two possible scenarios. That is good. As others have said, your friend has had ample time to walk away over the years, and has not done so. He is not going to do so now. He likes you for you, not because of what qualifications you may have.

Hope you feel better soon.

whitewing

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

My husband has it too. If any authority figure praises or congratulates anyone else, my husband feels that he has not reached up to the mark and the authority figure will think he's a waste of time and not worth bothering with.

.

I know that feeling too.

Pyxis

By the way, WaS, how did you find your study session the other day?
Can't wait for the next instalment!

System

I actually felt something similar recently, my best friend's gf is pregnant. The happy part of me thinks this is wonderful news and i am really happy for them, the other part of me actually cried because i felt like i was going to lose my friend now that something bigger and more important has happened

Plus it stirred up feelings of the fcat that everyone else my age is all grown up, proper jobs, their own places, settling down, getting married and having kids. Where as i have a a part time job, live in a houseshare and now don't even have a relationship, so i feel very inadequate when i compare myself with others