Just needed to be heard for a little while

Pyxis

You're absolutely right. :A

whitewing

I wouldn't be able to deal with it either. I think it is absolutely fine for you not to see him.

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you for validating me. I hate causing upset with anyone and I know it upsets MIL but I really can't do this anymore. It doesn't stop me feeling awful about it though.

whitewing

Perhaps it will turn out well if it means that he will stop the night with his gf, and then you and WaSp can both go to MIL's, if you feel brave enough at some point.

lostinrates

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Thank you for validating me. I hate causing upset with anyone and I know it upsets MIL but I really can't do this anymore. It doesn't stop me feeling awful about it though.

As a matter of interest does he ever help mil in the way you partner does?


I don't talk to people like that. Yes its hard. The alternative is harder IMO. And not healthier.

Waves_and_Smiles

He is my MIL's official carer. He does manage things like housework and some shopping but is usually unconscious by 9pm at night which is why WaSp stays with her at night. He only stays with her 4 days a week, too so we worry about her coping during the day on the other 3 days. We know that he gets very annoyed with her, again mostly due to the fact that he starts drinking in the morning and then things go downhill from there. His latest thing is to keep telling her she has dementia when in fact it is him forgetting things due to drinking, she is absolutely fine. But as his mum she loves him and is loyal to him and doesn't like it if we say anything negative about him. It is very difficult.

whitewing

Maybe MIL could write things down that he needs to remember, but as if it is her that needs to remember. So he knows what is going on without feeling incompetent and getting frustrated.

Even WaSp could make a memory jogger book for MIL, so that all three of them all know the important things that are going on.

How did BIL meet his gf?

Maybe they will calm each other down if they feel they have someone to love (unlikely I know).

Waves_and_Smiles

BIL met his girlfriend on a walking weekend. One thing he does do is go on long walks by himself and decided to join a group where people met up from all over the South of England. They walked through this town and he suggested going for a drink and that is when she said she is banned from several local pubs. He says she understands him which I am hoping means more than she understands his need to drink.

That's an idea actually, lists could come in handy. I will mention it to WaSp.

haybel19

WaS i would not want to see or spend time with someone like either. You have done all you can but as you say you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. Or not drink in this case.

You do not need to feel guilty - you have tried in the past to help that is all anyone can do. He chooses to drink and you have every right to choose not to accept the resulting behaviour.

You are a very kind and compassionate person and would not have taken such a decision lightly or without a great deal of thought.

Huge hugs x

haybel19

Apologies for being quiet my anxiety is winning today, I think sheer exhaustion and over tiredness after two poorly babies has caught up with me.

Think I could use a trip to the Dr for a check up but probably need a kick up the bum first!