Just needed to be heard for a little while

jobbingmusician

Welcome, swan! Lovely posts, and I was especially moved by this bit.

metalswan wrote: »

I am struggling today to write this (am shaking and sweating so much it is running down my sides) but if WaS can be brave, so can I:)

(THERE, WaS, and quite a few others on this thread, just see how you are affecting others!)

A tremendous WELL DONE and hugs/hearty handshakes/love and peace to swan and all on here xxxxxx

Waves_and_Smiles

Hello metalswan and welcome! you were so brave to write that, it is so hard to say things at first. I kept my OCD quiet through 9 years of therapy because I thought I would be judged, of course when I finally admitted to the symptoms it turned out that it was something quite common and no one batted an eyelid. Thank you, so so much for posting, it means an awful lot to me.

I have no doubt locked myself away from people on and off all of my life. Posting here has definitely made a difference to my confidence around people. Like you, I always expect to be judged and it has happened to me in the past because people hear the word Schizophrenia and expect me to turn up with machete or something. The illness isn't like that at all, most schizophrenics are terrified most of the time with very low self-esteem. Yes, you get people who can be violent but even then it is usually because their delusions tell them that they are going to be hurt so it is what they believe to be self-defence. I have had friends cut me dead after telling them my diagnosis without any further communication, that hurt a lot.

Hello LIR! so glad you are feeling better today! Remember what I said, it isn't so much that you are so unwell that you need the medication but because your body has adjusted to you taking it. If you miss a dose the body gets confused, it isn't that you are really ill.

I am mostly ok with what is said here, very few things trigger me. Religion is one that does due to the things that my mother made me do in its name, death is another and anything connected with working is immediate panic. The ones that people would assume would be a trigger like sexual abuse have very little affect, I have repeated my history so many times to psychiatrists that most of the emotion is gone and I feel matter of fact about it.

I will nervously penguin if I need to though and anyone is welcome to ask me if it is getting too much and I will give an honest reply. There could also some posts I make that I write to stop them going around in my head after which I will then ask if people please don't comment any further, I thought of that other day as something which could be helpful.

Pyxis

Hello Metalswan! Thank you for posting! It was a good post! Hope,your tech problems get sorted out soon.


WaS, one strategy if this happens again, do post here straight away, whatever the time. Lots of people are insomniacs. It was just unfortunate that this last time, there wasn't anyone around.

Does your psychologist have some sort of emergency number you could ring, for this type of situation?

Pyxis

Another thought, if the emotion is gone out of some things by you repeating them in your histories over and over, would it help to keep repeating on here about the things that still do bother you and act as triggers? By doing that, is there a chance you could be equally desensitised to their effects?
If you think that would help, please do repeat things as many times as you wish. We won't mind!
And also, if visitors to the thread haven't read from the beginning, repeating things would enable them to understand better, too.

jobbingmusician

This might work, but only if it was only WaS that posted the things. If anyone responded to them, we might get a penguin infestation!!!!

Waves_and_Smiles

Hahahahaha and the last thing we want is penguins waddling all over the thread!

Part of my psychotherapy involved repeating scenarios over and over again to my therapist to lose the emotional impact, it is a technique often used with PTSD. It does sound odd but eventually if you say something enough it just turns into words and the emotion all but disappears. It is a good idea Pyxis, I don't want to bore people by repeating the same things but as long as I follow posts up with no one comment please! it might actually help. Sexual abuse now makes me shudder but that is all of my reaction, there is no terror and little self-hatred. It has been filed away in my brain as a bad incident that happened that can be forgotten and that is purely from talking about it so often.

Waves_and_Smiles

On the note of the above it is the same thing as say repeating elephant to yourself numerous times. In the end it just becomes an odd word that makes no real sense. It works with PTSD too, the more you talk about an incident the more it is just words. I even had my sessions taped and I would listen to myself talking about it twice a day until it just became a story with no real meaning for me.

elsien

Waving hello to all lurkers and de-lurkers.

Another ignoramus question for WaS. Feel free to ignore or come back to later if the timing is wrong, I'm just posting while I think about it.
You said it's dangerous to be on your own when the catatonia kicks in. My image of catatonia (which is purely from bad films) is that it basically involves going into yourself and being immobile. So I was wondering what the risks are - is it more about the environment and not being aware of your surroundings rather than something you might physically do? As if we know what the particular dangers are of you being on your own, we might be able to come up with better suggestions.

Waves_and_Smiles

Hello elsien! Not a problem to talk about at all! (How's gitdog?)

I tend to be very still with catatonia but there are brief periods of activity. For some reason and I can't stop doing it I try to violently extract myself when I feel trapped in other worlds. So I might scream to try and bring myself back and end up screaming in real life. Also I think that if I can hurt myself or kill myself in a world that I will be free of it by either snapping me back or by making the world stop. Sometimes I will leap up and smack my head off of walls or pull my hair out or slap myself repeatedly, not knowing that I am doing it in this world, too. On one occasion I got a glimpse of this world but it was so like another that I got confused and grabbed a knife to try and stab myself so that I could die in the other world.

At these times I need to led back to a chair with a lot of reassurance and I will quickly become still again. This doesn't always happen, sometimes I don't move for the whole episode or I can be sitting rigid for an hour and then suddenly leap up. So it is very dangerous for me to be alone when this does happen.

Fighting it as I discovered is extremely hard. It pushed my anxiety up to levels I haven't felt in years, normally with my partner here I will just go with it. I am still in shock at how bad that actually was.

elsien

That does sound incredibly scary - so realistically then in due course we're trying to come up with alternative suggestions of how to fight it manageably rather than going with the flow when you're on your own. *puts thinking hat on.* Give us a nudge when your anxiety about it has receded.

Gitdog has today demonstrated his guard dog prowess by letting a total stranger (the window cleaner) stroll in the back door unnoticed. We are off to training classes in a bit which are either a total high or me going into the depths of despair with his shenanigans. He doesn't have a middle ground.