Just needed to be heard for a little while

elsien

Gitdog will be moving in with you imminently - the battles we have over those blankets in the winter. You, him and pugliet, with a blanket each. I can picture it now.

Waves_and_Smiles

Hahahahaha I have rather a lot of fluffy blankets and cushions, Gitdog would love it here!

Waves_and_Smiles

Hahahahahaha! That is just adorable! Aw, he could have all the blankets he wants here, he would be a spoiled for choice Gitdog!

elsien

https://www.flickr.com/photos/40955760@N02/14652617547/

Edit - forgotten how to do the photo sharing - bear with me.

jobbingmusician

Just catching up. They didn't have any pugs in my poundland either yesterday, but they did have some other webkinz toys, which increases my confidence that they are likely to replenish - and look! They are on the website! http://www.poundland.co.uk/baby-and-kids/toys/girls-toys/webkinz-plush

Waves_and_Smiles

He looks so warm and cosy elsien! and like he isn't coming out for anyone!

elsien

If I remember rightly, I was economising and refusing to put the heating on. And wouldn't let him on my lap so he was sulking. A very cute sulk though.

Waves_and_Smiles

Very, very cute! The more I hear about Gitdog the more I love him

haybel19

Gitdog sounds lovely.

My Max loves snuggling in blankets- I also have to tuck him in at night bless him.

I am working on some card samples that will be on create and craft next week... Snow and Ice collection.... and there are penguins lol. I kid you not.

Waves_and_Smiles

No one worry about the following post, I will be fine. I am an expert in keeping myself safe and I will get myself help if I need to. My Addisons Disease causes pain in my right upper and chest and back from time to time and has done so tonight. For the last hour I have been convinced that I have liver failure. I have only just been able to breathe properly again after a very bad panic attack, I am very, very scared indeed right now. There is a tiny healthy part of me inside saying you do not have liver failure, you know what this pain is. A large part of me feels as if I should take all of my medication now to save myself a long drawn out death. Don't panic! I will not do this, the healthy bit of me will keep me safe.

Conversely I am terrified to take my night dose of medication in case I make my liver worse which is unfortunate as I could do with the anti-psychotics right now. I am acutely aware of every pain I feel, imagining my liver dying inside of me. I frantically looked up death by liver failure. My hands are drenched with sweat and I am shaking like a leaf. I feel sick and my eyes are sore from crying.

The healthy part of me knows this isn't real. It is a delusion and it will pass. It is more scary by the fact that my partner is at his mothers, I need to get through this one alone. I have to manage to stay focused enough on this world because I cannot afford to shut myself off while no one is here. In a way I would welcome entering other worlds right now as it would give me a break from the panic but it is a luxury I cannot allow myself. So instead I am typing to everyone here. This is probably far more bitty than my normal posts, apologies for that. Although my adrenaline is pumping inside of me I am very still and it is hard to move my body and like thinking through fog. Everything feels very slow, my thoughts, my actions, time. As if everything is coming to a stop. A blink of my eyes feels like it takes several seconds and my breathing feels slow and shallow. Go away catatonia, I have no time for you today.

There are other things the pain could be too such as simple IBS. I had a dinner with more fats than usual so it is quite possible. Liver failure is actually the least likely scenario but of course my mind decides to choose that one. I am now an expert in it, I know everything that happens to the point of death. I feel as if I am going to die. I considered writing goodbye letters to everyone but that little healthy part of me that protects me pointed out that it wouldn't help my frame of mind at all. My partner is 120 miles away so couldn't get here in a hurry and anyway, it would just panic him and his mother if I called him. Plus it might not be a convenient time to leave her anyway.

The only option I really have is to call an ambulance which I will do if I think things are getting out of control. This has happened before and I have called an ambulance and ended up in A&E begging them to test my liver. Of course it was absolutely fine. I would prefer not to repeat that as chances are I would be completely wasting their time. Right now I am trying to stay as calm as possible, reassure myself and wait for this to pass.

The voices never being ones to miss an opportunity are currently discussing how gruesome my death will be. Thanks voices. Somehow I need to bring myself to take my psychiatric medication, missing a dose right now would not help at all. There is psychosis because I don't wish to take it for reasons other than my liver. It feels fun and mischievous not to take it, exciting like something naughty one might do as a child. It also feels as something bad will happen if I take it. All of my instincts say not to take it but the psychosis lies. I will win this battle, I haven't failed yet and I have all of you and Sir Pugliet standing with me. I just wish that I could stop crying.

I am trying to rationalise to myself that I also have pain on the left side of my rib cage and I don't have a liver there. It is not liver failure, I do not need to take an overdose to save myself from a painful death and I do need to take my medication which I am already 3 hours late for. This is so hard to keep on top of this alone, this is going to be a very long night. Now I have a pain in my left arm. Heart attack? Again extremely unlikely, they are phantom pains because I am panicking.

I am filled with sorrow for those I would leave behind if I died. I am running through scenarios of their grief in my mind, feeling what I believe they would feel. I want to apologise to them. Little healthy voice is also saying do not email anyone right now and say that! You'll be fine in a few hours and everyone will be freaking out! I am glad I have a little healthy WaS living inside of me, she keeps me safe and somehow always manages to stay rational. I am deeply grateful to the psychotherapist who taught me how to stand back and observe myself so part of me remains in control.

I am going to sit still for a while and try to meditate to both distract myself and hold myself in this world.
As weird as that sounds the act of allowing thoughts and emotions to move through my mind while I observe them helps counteract the psychotic symptoms rather than making it easier to slip away. Catatonia right now is out of the question so I need to fight, as is doing something stupid with pills. Please don't worry, if I feel things slipping away I will call an ambulance, I am good at keeping myself safe. I will be back tomorrow curled up in the corner in embarrassment when I read this back but I really did need to reach out. The thread title is particularly poignant right now, just needed to be heard for a little while...

PS. I am going to be fine! No one worry! I may not appear until the afternoon because when I do manage to sleep it will likely be for a long time as these episodes exhaust me. But I will be here. Promise.