Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

Very good point, LIR! Neighbours would describe my mother and grandmother as quite, private and gentle people by their looks and that wasn't the case at all. They looked very fragile but they weren't particularly my grandmother who was very aggressive and forthright in her opinions. Most people saw them as very introverted and it wasn't that, they just despised everyone who wasn't their blood family. The same two people who would nod quietly to neighbours and avert their eyes spent a lot of time saying how horrid everyone was in private. It is interesting how people's perceptions can differ so much from the truth.

Thank you, whitewing that actually does mean a lot and I do think that everyone here is lovely. I am amazed that such genuine and caring people wish to talk to me. I suppose I can't be that bad as no one has disappeared yet in disgust, it still amazes though when there are replies every day.

whitewing

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Very good point, LIR! Neighbours would describe my mother and grandmother as quite, private and gentle people by their looks and that wasn't the case at all. They looked very fragile but they weren't particularly my grandmother who was very aggressive and forthright in her opinions. Most people saw them as very introverted and it wasn't that, they just despised everyone who wasn't their blood family. The same two people who would nod quietly to neighbours and avert their eyes spent a lot of time saying how horrid everyone was in private. It is interesting how people's perceptions can differ so much from the truth.

Emotionally healthy people do not spend their time being rude about people behind their backs. My father does this. It's probably why you worry about other people so much.

My father thinks he is strong and has principles but actually there is a lot to indicate that he has anxiety issues. He hated council house people, so why did he marry my mum as she grew up in one? I have never asked him. He wouldn't answer anyway as he blots out anything that doesn't agree with his own views so completely that the person talking to him is confused and thinks they are in the wrong. It is how he gets away with it.

Nastiness is only borne of a person feeling unworthy in themselves. Something hurts them or makes them afraid and they strike back.

That doesn't mean you can't have personal standards. You can still be grateful, for example, of living in a nice area. But you don't have to ridicule people in a less favourable situation. Happy people understand that.

elsien

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Thank you, whitewing that actually does mean a lot and I do think that everyone here is lovely. I am amazed that such genuine and caring people wish to talk to me. I suppose I can't be that bad as no one has disappeared yet in disgust, it still amazes though when there are replies every day.

Right, are you going to slap yourself around the head with a wet fish, or am I?! Now repeat out loud "people stay here to talk to me because I am interesting and they want to hear what I have to say."


Edit - and if I do vanish for a bit it's not down to you, it's because my computer has died so posting is limited to phone signals and being in a wifi area.

Waves_and_Smiles

One of the things that has always terrified me since being a child is being talked about badly behind my back. This then influenced my schizophrenia symptoms, too. It is because I grew up with hearing it daily as my mother and grandmother would be sweet and shy to people's faces and then completely rip them to pieces in private. I am still very paranoid about it and always have been, I remember talking to my teacher friend about it back when I was 14. Honestly, no one apart from themselves and my uncle were immune to it and they would do it about me, too because suddenly one would mention something unpleasant the other had said when I wasn't there. That went on until I walked away for good at 21 and it has influenced me hugely.

Hahahaha elsien, not the wet fish! Ok, people stay here to talk to me because I am interesting and they want to hear what I have to say. I really do feel so lucky to have you all.

whitewing

It affected you so badly, WaS, because you knew it was wrong (even though you didn't understand that at the time). What a waste of energy on their part. No wonder they were terrified of interacting with other people if they thought everyone was like them.

What did they actually say about other people?

Waves_and_Smiles

Mostly it was people were 'stuck up and snobs' or that they were 'common'. In the case of anyone with a different nationality it was that they were primitive, the use of the term jungle-monkeys occurred a lot. The same for sexualities, 'no time for the queers' was another favourite. Everyone else was either too stuck up or below them, they chose to isolate themselves from everyone because something was wrong with everyone that they met and they would reassure each other that this just proved strangers were horrible and family was all that mattered. They were also members of the National Front Party and about the only people that they liked were the royal family who could do no wrong (Diana excluded, they hated her). By the time I was a teenager I used to have huge arguments with my mother about it because I hated the things that they said, all that did was confirm to them that I wasn't like them and a <fathers surname>. My uncle had exactly the same attitude and it was very hard to grow up with. Now I absolutely hate malicious gossip behind anyone's back, it actually makes me feel afraid.

whitewing

You can learn to reduce the fear without actually putting your life in danger. I'm not sure how yet but you or one of us will think of something, when the time is right. We don't have to sort everything out this side of Christmas after all.

whitewing

Some more things you may find interesting here, WaS about paranoia:

http://www.bipolarworld.net/Bipolar%20Disorder/Articles/art35.htm

May be hard to read but it is okay if you highlight it.

elsien

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Now I absolutely hate malicious gossip behind anyone's back, it actually makes me feel afraid.

Best way to be - not the afraid bit, but the keeping out of it bit. I wish more people felt the same.


Btw Dibuzz, you've not got off scot-free, we're still waiting for the something nice about yourself.

Waves_and_Smiles

We don't, we have plenty of time. I am not going anywhere. I have often said that the sexual abuse I think I could have come to terms with but the day to day interaction with them was what affected me the most. It felt like a daily emotional onslaught and I knew that I didn't fit with them but people outside the family rejected me too as I didn't know how to behave with them. I felt like I just didn't fit anywhere and that still holds true.