Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

Afternoon All!

Aw, thank you for missing me. I have spent last night and this morning trying to sit upright and sleep through bad heartburn and being sick. My reflux disease isn't happy. This thread has helped because I notice the same thing happened after the last psychotic episode, too! I can only presume the stress of it and the medication increase causes it to flare. Another reason why I can't take anymore medication than I do. I still have a lot of chest pain and feel sick but I think the acid has eased off for now. I shall attempt to keep some dry crackers down.

Hope everyone is doing ok, I shall read back soon.

ETA Orrrr it could be connected to a certain time of the month that has just appeared, too.

15 minutes later- My partner innocently mentioned radio waves. These are not good things to talk about with a schizophrenic. Now I am quietly trying to breathe calmly and not feel as if I am choking on the amount of radio waves passing through my body that could be monitoring me so that they can track my bodily functions and monitor where I go. Arrrgh, it isn't really happening, it's the illness! Can I just hide under the duvet (the waves could still get to me eeek!)?! Believe me, the joke of insane people wearing tin foil hats isn't that far fetched. I feel totally claustrophobic now as if I am being battered by invisible waves penetrating my skin. I need to distract.

Reflux, TOTM and a psychosis trigger. Today started well <sobs>

Waves_and_Smiles

Right, as distraction is failing then I shall write my thoughts down, they may be of interest to someone. I am 70% sure this isn't true so don't worry. It doesn't stop the panic, though but recording the thoughts might help. I am not in danger so again, nothing to worry about but it does show how mentioning something innocently about technology as my partner did can cause a reaction and why I avoid using anything technological as much as possible. All he did was read aloud a news article about radio waves surrounding us.

My skin feels like it is being pressured by radio waves. Everything feels tingly as they pass through my skin. I imagine them passing through my inner organs and perforating them. It is very hard not to scratch my skin off to try and remove the waves, they feel like glue stuck fast to me, stopping me breathing and blocking off my oxygen.

Perhaps they are what cause cancer? I have had these thoughts before which means that if it is true people have died of cancer because I didn't tell anyone. I have killed them all. But suppose the government don't want people to know that because there is too much money at risk for the pharmaceutical companies? They may try to kill me if I tell the truth. But how many more people deserve to die because of my cowardliness?

The waves are penetrating my brain and making my thoughts fuzzy. Perhaps they know that I realise the truth and are altering the frequency to make me confused. If they realise what I know they may try to alter the flow to give me a disease or stop my heart. My body feels itchy on the inside as they enter my body, I can feel them bombarding me and entering my brain. My breathing is laboured as they fill my lungs, I cannot take deep breaths as my lungs are already full. My blood feels as if it is alive as it flows through my veins, alive with electrical impulses sent with the waves. My throat is tight as it is filled by them.

Why do they need to monitor me? I know the waves monitor me and send back results. Not to the government, they are just pawns in the game. The reports go to someone higher, the ultimate controllers. They watch people like me closely, people who might have guessed their game plan. If they wanted they could send a wave to stop every organ in my body but they choose not to. They watch and laugh, it is amusing for them to toy with me.

I hope that was interesting to people. As I said I am mostly sure that it isn't true but there is still a small doubt. A lot of schizophrenics who haven't had treatment or are in relapse share very similar thoughts, technology tends to be a huge trigger to most sufferers. Unfortunately they are often too paranoid to share what they are thinking about it.

Now I shall try to distract again or at least breathe properly.

haybel19

Big big hugs WaS.


Could you try and imagine the waves not as radio waves but as though you are laying on the beach sand between your toes and waves lapping gently at your feet.


Not sure if that would help and please ignore /delete if needed.


You said distraction so why don't you tell me about some of the cardmaking supplies you have. Then we can get all excited about what you are going to make.


I am just about to type up an article so I will be thinking about crafting right alongside you. I will keep checking back so I can hear all about what you have. We might even think of things you NEED.... haha I always think I need things when I comes to crafting.

Waves_and_Smiles

Oooh, waves on a beach is a good idea, Haybel! I am still rational enough to realise that it isn't true, I could just do with losing the physical symptoms described above. Don't worry, this isn't a rare occurrence and it will stop eventually. More than anything I need to do the be kind to myself thing right now because part of me gets very frustrated and angry with myself that I know it isn't true but there is still a niggling doubt.

I shall have a look through my crafting draw! Have fun with yours, too! It is impossible to have too much crafting stuff, that's my belief and I am sticking to it!

jobbingmusician

Also.....

Forget the radio waves, because I have just sent you a wonderful blanket of deep blue light through the ether. Blue light is widely documented as being very healing, and healers often transmit this AND IT DOES WORK! It's a funny thing, blue light, because it has golden light within it, so it not only heals the body and absorbs all those radio waves (OK, I made that bit up, but I'm sure it does) but it also relaxes and invigorates you, all in one go.

Just concentrate and you will find the blue light there. I really have sent it to wrap you up and protect you.

Now, when you have absorbed the blue light, I'll PM you another genuine yogic technique for helping with radio waves and any other negativity. (Happy to send it to any of the other regulars, but somehow it feels wrong to post it on the thread in a public forum.)

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, thank you JM. I shall sit quietly now and concentrate on the healing, blue light that will take all of the radio waves away.

(And be nice to myself because I am already kicking myself for allowing my brain to even go here in the first place).

haybel19

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Oooh, waves on a beach is a good idea, Haybel! I am still rational enough to realise that it isn't true, I could just do with losing the physical symptoms described above. Don't worry, this isn't a rare occurrence and it will stop eventually. More than anything I need to do the be kind to myself thing right now because part of me gets very frustrated and angry with myself that I know it isn't true but there is still a niggling doubt.

I shall have a look through my crafting draw! Have fun with yours, too! It is impossible to have too much crafting stuff, that's my belief and I am sticking to it!

Glad the waves on the beach was a good idea.


Be kind to yourself- it is a symptom of your illness. If it were a physical illness - for example a rash. It would be annoying, irritating even but you would not be frustrated or angry just inconvenienced. You have no control over the symptoms of an illness be it a rash or anything else.


A rash might be problematic when sleeping with your psychiatrist though depending on where it is!


Looking forward to hearing all about what you have in your crafty stash. I agree it is most certainly not possible to have too many crafting goodies!

Waves_and_Smiles

I am going to rant. After that I will say 3 nice things about myself to balance it a little.

Why do I allow myself to get to this stage? Yes, I am ill but I know that! I am a psychologist with 16 years worth of therapy under my belt but still things like this happen. I know better than this! Although my training and the amount of therapy I had are what has likely stopped me being in long term care at the same time it is a source of huge frustration. Having a healthy part of me that observes and says these are just symptoms still doesn't stop them happening. I know it isn't real, I know many other people have similar symptoms yet still I half-convince myself that what I think is reality. Why can't I control it better? I have all the psychological tools, there isn't a type of therapy that I haven't had or studied. But it takes one innocent comment to turn everything on its head. Why is the illness so strong? Why does it still have so much power over me? I should be able to handle this better! I feel like a complete waste of space right now and that everyone has put effort into me for absolutely no reason.

Ok, 3 nice things.

I am compassionate
I am intelligent
I have a good sense of humour.

Back to my blue light and sea waves which are helping.

haybel19

WaS


Neither your training nor your therapy are a cure-although I am sure they are very helpful. Remember you told us about a fellow psychiatrist who had the same illness? He still had symptoms.


Also perhaps the other way of looking at it is how much worse would you be feeling today had you not studied or had therapy? Because you have studied and had therapy you are better able to see that it is your illness and know techniques to help yourself. So perhaps you need to instead think how well you are doing as a result- you are doing so much to help yourself.


I am sending you a very big hug. Try and think what you would say to me if the shoe was on the other foot.


Looking forward to hearing all about your craft stash when you are able. It is true you can never have too much.


I have found something you may like to get you back into it.
http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Create-a-Wreath-Kit-from-Craftwork-Cards-/151355115993?pt=UK_Crafts_PapercraftTools_RL&hash=item233d77c9d9


The kits have absolutely everything you need to make 3 wreaths- the bases, flowers, ribbon, flower centres (card candi). You would only need glue.


There is even a Christmas version if you are feeling festive.

jobbingmusician

Oi, you! Yes, you. The one beating herself up!

You handle your illness well, and you do the best you can. You've got a range of coping strategies, including this thread If you weren't ill, you wouldn't be ill - and you know that it is a ILLNESS, right? NOT a moral failing, and not something you can totally cure all at once.

And it's biochemical, a lot of it. You do a great job overcoming biochemistry with mental fortitude - you do the best you can.

Now, get back to those waves and that blue light and BE NICE TO YOURSELF! *brandishes whip* :rotfl:

PS Well done about the good things, and hugs ((((()))))