Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

I thought of that myself, Pyxis! I am sure a lot of the discussions here contributed to it as it was definitely about making positive changes and a lot of emphasis on starting to heal and knowing that I had a choice, also I was able to challenge the past as it happened. Some of my hallucinations are just confused, meaningless things but I don't believe that, that one was. Positive episodes are very rare but that one left me feeling very calm and I quite enjoyed aspects of it.

Sadly, it was no less scary for my partner because he has no idea what I am seeing so the poor man spent 6 hours sitting next to me giving me sips of water and staring at the tv with the sound off for something to do. He has gone for a nap now and is joking about how it is just great that I had a good time whilst he sat there a nervous wreck! To quote him, "Oh don't mind me. I'll just sit here bored out of my mind waiting for you to fly across the room to grab a kitchen knife while you party with the light people! I hate my life!" He really does make me giggle at times!

Pyxis

Oh, poor man!! Still, good for him to know that you COULD be having a nice experience! Presumably, if you didn't shout or cry, or flail about during an episode, it might be an indication that it's not a bad one?


Another thought! Shame we can't be a pop group, then we could be WaS and the Golden Lights! You the lead singer and us all the backing group!: :rotfl:

Waves_and_Smiles

Hahahahaha, we could!

The fact I was still throughout it and didn't cry did give him an idea that nothing awful was happening but he can't trust it because I can be very still and then leap up and hurt myself with no warning. He did say I was smiling at one time which he found odd! He wasn't going to sleep at all but I feel solidly in this world now and it only happens on consecutive occasions if I am really ill so I should be fine now. He has still set the alarm to go off every hour so that he can check on me, he looks after me very well.

For once it's a shame that I will forget everything, a few days after an episode I lose most of the memories and if you ask me a month later I won't recall any of it. That is why I wrote it down in so much detail, I would like to remember this one.

lostinrates

WaS I have sent you a pm. Hope that's ok.

Pyxis

Yes, I like the idea of being a dancing, golden light! I'll be a dancing, golden pixie Pyxis light, with a tinkling voice like a goldfinch! Yup! That's me all right! :rotfl:

Waves_and_Smiles

Replied to the pm LIR!

Hahahahaha, I love that Pyxis! The chanting was rather like singing and as is usual the bad voices all stopped during the episode so I could actually enjoy it! I am now imagining you as a golden pixie!

whitewing

I loved reading about the catatonia, WaS. Glad that it can be a positive experience (for you, if not your partner)

Is it possible to have schizophrenia without the catatonia? Is the catatonia what you mean when you talk about psychotic breaks/psychosis or are there differences? Maybe you could talk a bit about what symptoms schizophrenia means to you, just as an overview (a list of bullet points, I guess).

What is leaving the cupboard of doom today? 3 things would be good - a sort of hip. hip, hooray!

ETA: Did you mother have catatonia, do you know?

Pyxis

WaS, we were talking about music the other day and I mentioned plainchant. I have found a rather nice youtube example of this. It is several different choirs, some male voices only, some mixed. Plainchant is a very early form of singing, from 100 AD. It is all unaccompanied and very simple in its form, and always in unison which adds to its simplicity. It uses a different scale formation from modern music, which is why it sounds simple, and contemplative. It is not jolly, but neither is it sad. It is neutral, which is why it is great for a peaceful state. It is lovely to have on as a background, while doing other things. It is always in Latin, so you can't be distracted by the words. (Unless you speak fluent Latin, that is!:rotfl:)

This particular one is good, because the video it is with is all of watery nature! The very first scene is, quess what?, the sea! With gentle waves!, and a beautiful sky with the sun breaking through clouds! Other scenes are of rivers and pools, always with gentle watery movements. The gentle, watery sounds can be heard softly in the background to the singing.

I am not a Christian, but I love choral church music, as I find it beautiful, uplifting and very soothing. Some of it can be very emotional, but not plainchant. As I said before, plainchant is very neutral, which is why it's so useful for meditation or just for feeling calm and peaceful.

Of course, you don't have to watch the video! You can just have the sound.

And it goes without saying that you don't even have to listen to the plainchant if you are worried about the effect it will have on you. I shan't mind a bit. But it's there if you'd like to. And it might be a gentle and safe way of reintroducing music into your life?


This is the link:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6VaqvRkg-xY

whitewing

Thank you, pxyis, I have it on right now.

WaS, do you know what triggers you to go into a catatonic state at this particular moment in time?

Also, do you have muscle relaxants? Can they help with the rigidity aftermath?

ETA: Have you - or any of our Thread Friends - ever had ECT (electroconvulsive therapy)? I haven't. I wondered if that would help in general.

Also ETA: This is the Mind site for anyone who is interested in ECT http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/electroconvulsive-therapy-(ect)/about-ect/#.U8uKEvldW_k

It seems like a lot has changed from 20 years ago when I was in hospital. I remember a lady called C having it but I wasn't well enough to discuss it with her. I seem to remember it as being something she was scheduled for rather than something that was discussed with her, but then again I don't remember much about my stay anyway.

Waves_and_Smiles

Yes it is, lots of people with schizophrenia don't suffer with catatonia. I have two types of schizophrenia, paranoid and catatonic. Unless you have the catatonic type you won't suffer with it. You will still hallucinate with other types but while staying in reality. Because I have the catatonic type I sometimes retreat into my mind and create other worlds.

My psychotic breaks can go several ways. When I refer to a psychotic break I mean when the psychosis is overwhelming and prevents me from functioning and severely distorts my thinking. I live in a bad dream I cannot wake up from, if you like. Sometimes an episode can be imagining things that aren't real, thinking people have said things that they haven't, feeling as if I am being watched and judged and that people are able to read my thoughts. I may think that people have lied to me all of my life and I am not who they say I am and that they are not who they say they are. Accompanying this will usually be many voices and sounds and visual hallucinations on occasion, often confirming my fears. Oh, and terrible headaches throughout the whole thing. Other physical symptoms will be constant anxiety, feeling as if I am going to be sick and little sleep. Eating at these times is very likely to make me throw up and I become very forgetful and cry easily. I trust nothing and no one and am very scared. This is pretty typical of a Paranoid Schizophrenic break and obviously, is based in extreme paranoia and fear. It is what happened during my first psychotic break at work. The medication seems to control these very well and previously they have only occurred perhaps once every 3-4 years. I haven't had this happen for 6 years now.

The symptoms of a psychotic episode (it isn't strong enough to be a full break in my case) in catatonic schizophrenia happen more often but are milder for me. They are like entering waking dreams. I will feel fuzzy and not quite 'with it' before one begins and then find I am daydreaming and losing track of time. Then I will slip entirely into the dream state which presents itself to me as different worlds. Physically, I tighten all of my muscles and my body becomes rigid. I will stare straight ahead and be very still although on occasion I will interact as I did earlier when I sipped water. I can get very confused about which world is the real one so I may try to hurt myself to try and 'wake up' or scream for the same reason. I am almost always aware of what is happening in that I am psychotic and often panic and try to get back, ironically this puts me at physical risk of either hurting myself or trying to run away. There are none of the usual voices during this, it is literally like being trapped in a very vivid dream with no way out. I have only been hospitalised once due to these, normally they will stop of their own accord. The treatment when I was in hospital was an injection of an awful lot of anti-psychotic and waiting it out which I can basically do at home with pills. They do leave me in a lot of physical pain and with a bad headache and I will forget most of what I have seen shortly afterwards.

I am always a little psychotic because I can't take the full dose of medication needed to control it. This means I hear the voices or a radio playing, occasionally I will see things although most of my hallucinations are auditory, and I will doubt my thoughts at times and seek reassurance that what I think is reality (sometimes it isn't). I actually prefer not being fully medicated and using coping techniques to deal with things as they arise. The dose of medication that psychiatrists feel I need pretty much stops me functioning entirely and is a little dangerous as the one I take can have permanent side effects in high doses. I prefer having a little psychosis but feeling awake and alive to zombie mode on the pills.

Three things sounds good! I shall sort them out when my partner is awake!