Just needed to be heard for a little while

whitewing

haybel19 wrote: »

I hope you don't mind me asking but you have often mentioned how helpful you find the thread (as we all do) and I just wondered in what way it had made a difference for you.

I think this is a great question and I would extend the question to anyone who is reading.

In the last two days, I have been surprised at a couple of things that have been scheduled that I have taken in my stride without the worrying, sleepless nights or analysing.

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you, haybel. It would be ideal if I could become well enough so that my partner could work. I know he misses it, too. Sometimes I think that I could manage something small, perhaps a little hobby from home and then I panic that I will ruin everything and run away from the idea.

I do need to be reminded that I don't have to build Rome in a day and if I just take tiny steps forward that I am not failing. I am very hard on myself, far more than I would ever be on anyone else.

As far as the thread helping me there are several different ways. It does help me that people want to talk to me, I don't really feel that I have anything to offer people and see myself as quite dull and pathetic. The thread has shifted my perception a little there. Also, I find I like being able to be open about how I feel. I conceal a lot of my feelings particularly of psychosis from people in real life because I don't wish to worry them. There is a lot of relief in feeling that I can be open about things. The thread also makes me think about my coping strategies. It helps me a lot to hear how other people deal with things, there have been many suggestions that I hadn't considered before. Finally, the thread makes me feel safe. As odd as that sounds it feels a little security blanket in my life so even like today when I wake up after having an awful dream I know the thread is here and that gives me a lot of comfort.

Well done, whitewing! I am joining in celebrating, I just gave my a partner a glass bowl that I have no use for. He is taking it to the charity shop right now!

whitewing

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Well done, whitewing! I am joining in celebrating, I just gave my a partner a glass bowl that I have no use for. He is taking it to the charity shop right now!

If he is like my husband, he is running out quickly before you change your mind.

Has your partner noticed any differences in you lately? Good or bad, sometimes some things get a little worse before they get better.

Waves_and_Smiles

You are exactly right, he was out of the door as soon as I said I wanted him to take the bowl. My partner is very minimalist in terms of possessions, when I first met him it looked like his room was deserted. He is happy for me to have things but is also very happy to remove them!

He has commented that I seem to be a little happier and I don't drift off so often. One thing that posting here does is stop the mild catatonia. I have to keep returning to this world to post so it is very good for me in that respect. He is also quite shocked that things are moving out of the cupboard of doom.

whitewing

WaS, I remembered what I wanted to ask you. Does singing drown out the voices?

I know for me when I was young singing was the only thing that I stopped me over-analysing. Not that I had the confidence to sing anyway (maybe in a different family). I know we talked about music before, I can't remember if it included singing.

Another link, if anyone is feeling inspired:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sing/learning/

Waves_and_Smiles

Singing can help, not that I can sing. As can silly lalalalalala noises or humming loudly. It is something I can only really do when I am on my own though as my partner realises why I am doing it and panics.

I should probably say at this point that although we both live with it my partner and I rarely discuss my mental illness. We get through bad patches and then it isn't mentioned again. He finds it extremely difficult to talk about because he went through 10 years of me at my worse and he was terrified for me, he has a lot of fear that it will become that bad again.

If I bring it up he will either try to turn it into a joke or become quite angry, not at me but because as he says he can't fix it so what is he meant to do? It was very hard on him while I was very ill, he spent a lot of time crying in the backs of ambulances with me and I know that he hates that he can't make it go away and feels very helpless. Hence he gets angry and I am very scared of anger.

The only person that I really talk to about my mental health in real life is my best friend. My teacher friend finds it very hard to hear even though he went through a lot of my childhood standing at my side. For example, once I mentioned to him that I was wanting to self-harm and he replied "Promise me that you will never do that again! Promise me right now! I can't stand it!" He tends to panic over what to me is quite normal for me, such as hearing voices and periods of catatonia. So I limit what I say in real life so that it doesn't upset people.

This is what I meant about finding this thread so helpful because I can be honest. Other than to professionals and my best friend to everyone else I try to disguise it as much as I can because again, I can't cope with other people becoming upset because of me. It physically hurts me and makes me feel like the worse person on earth.

whitewing

In my experience, men get angry (nb not violent) when they feel powerless and helpless. They aren't angry with you, but you know that anyway.

Pyxis

WaS, there's another option to taking things to charity shops or the tip, but it does depend on what it's like where you live. If I have things that really aren't good enough for the charity shop, or too bulky for me to take there, what I do is put them in my front garden very close to the pavement, with a big FREE sign. Virtually everything has gone!
As I said, these are pretty much all things that just aren't good enough for the shop. Yet people have found a use for them. The only things that weren't taken were some pieces of metal things, and so I took them to the tip to be recycled.
If your tip has a wood section, your shelf would probably be recycled into paper or wood composite board. If it ends up as paper, you never know, you might even, one day, write some of your book on it! How cool would that be?


Someone once mentioned you possibly doing a TV interview about your experiences. Now, I realise the idea of TV is probably not an option, but then I thought, why not radio? There are some quite thought-provoking talks and interviews on Radio 4, often about physical or mental health, and people's experiences of them, and sometimes on Women's programmes on there. Radio would avoid the fear of being seen and not only that, I'm sure the interview could even be recorded over the phone, so you wouldn't even need to go to the studio!
How does the idea of that make you feel, WaS?

Waves_and_Smiles

He really does feel helpless. He sat and cried with me once and said he can't fix me and it makes him angry. I know it isn't directed at me but any anger makes me panic, I blame myself for the cause even if it is nothing to do with me.

He only gets angry because he cares about me so much and hates to see me suffering. Most of our conversations about my mental health are in joking terms such as "Oi, nutter. It's time to get high on your drugs!" at medication time. Serious conversations hurt him an awful lot, as they do with my teacher friend as well. It is a huge relief to me to have this thread where I can be totally honest about how I am feeling, and as much as I can discuss it with my best friend I don't want it to take up all of our time so I try to just mention the particularly difficult bits when I really need to talk about it.

Radio is actually possible Pyxis, I had never thought of that! Thank you for thinking that people might be interested enough. I still scratch my head that people are, but if it helps people then I would do anything I could.

I never thought about leaving things outside! I do live in a busy street so it could be possible. I quite like that idea!

whitewing

In many ways there is no need to discuss it with your DH. I know I can tell my DH anything but because of that I don't need to. What he has been great for has been the decluttering and generally getting daily life a bit better. We tend to have tasks that 1 of us tends to do, but the other will step in if someone is particularly tired.