Just needed to be heard for a little while

whitewing

This afternoon I need to sort through the boxes on my cupboard.

WaS, what is leaving your Cupboard of Doom today?

Waves_and_Smiles

Good Morning everyone!

Today's item to go is a broken wooden shelf. This was kept because I thought that just because something is broken it is thrown away despite serving me well and will therefore feel unwanted and unloved. Struggling again!

I am shaky today after a dream last night. I was having to leave work again and I was so upset because I knew that I would have never have the chance again. That there would be nothing for me afterwards and I would never be useful to anyone. I still carry a lot of scars from the first psychotic break and I am not sure that I will ever forgive myself for the work issue. I am trying to think through mud at the moment so a bit more when the fog lifts.

dibuzz

You've been useful to a lot of people since you started this thread WaS

whitewing

My understanding is that dreaming is when we try to process our memories. So if you are dreaming about work maybe this is helping you to process those memories better with an adult's understanding of the situation. Remember what I said about forgiveness - it is simply being able to accept that the past is what happened. You were ill, and nobody else seemed to notice how ill you were. I agree that we have to take responsibility for our own actions, but we also have to make our own mistakes. You can choose to focus on what you NEARLY did, or you can focus on the fact that you DIDN'T do it. You are not the same person now that you were then, you have made it through to this point, and we are going to help you have a really successful, happy rest of your life. It may not be as successful as it could have been if you hadn't had a bad childhood, but I expect it will touch and enhance more people in many hundreds of tiny little ways. As much as you may have had some failures in the past (and will too in the future), society also failed you. Stop trying to sort it all out by yourself.

ETA: I also think that part of it is linked in to fear about things you have read and heard about benefits and being forced to work. I don't think you are workshy by a long shot. I think you are very scared of being forced into a job that you don't feel equipped to handle. I don't think you are being rational about it all. Life is about taking things a step at a time. You have a good GP and psychiatrist who have good judgement. If they aren't part of your life in the future there will be other good people. You are not going to have to change your life radically until you are well enough. You are going to get a lot, lot better than you are now and that is going to open up possibilities in your future. We will help you. Don't sabotage getting better because you need to have control. I have been a control freak. It works a bit but it soon stars to restrict you a lot more than it empowers you.

WaS, you are in Britain in 2014. You are always going to have a home, even if it isn't the one you have at the moment. You are going to have food on the table, medical treatment by experienced professionals, you are going to have people who care about you and who support you. You may not have riches (unless you write your book, lol) but you will have what you need. You will also find a way to give back to society, within the realms of your personality, illness and circumstances. You may not ever be well enough for a paid job, but then again you actually may be. You are stunting your own wellbeing by catastophising. Feeling the sun on your face one day does not mean that you are going to be forced into a job the next. It simply means that you feel the sun on your face that day. Trust yourself. You don't need to keep suicide in reserve as an option (I do that too sometimes). You also don't need to convince yourself that you are dangerous. It's holding you back from getting better. You have got this far and done a magnificently. You are going to do even better in the future. Whatever worries you in the future, whatever curveball life throws at you, there will ALWAYS be someone who will help you deal with it either on here or in real life.

I am glad about the shelf going. It is an inanimate object that does not have feelings. It is not unwanted or unloved, and neither are you!

Waves_and_Smiles

That made an awful lot of sense to me, whitewing. The reality is nothing majorly bad did happen. Some things happened that make me cringe now but they weren't catastrophes. I got myself to hospital before it went that far. I carry a lot of guilt for what I nearly did, as much as I do for what really happened. There were things that I am very embarrassed about now but as you say I just didn't realise that I was ill. If this had happened to a friend I would be telling them that in no way was it their fault, that they were unwell and shouldn't blame themselves, that is enough that they know that they made mistakes and would never repeat them. For myself there seems to be no forgiveness at all.

Today is a turquoise day.

DUKE

Is everyone enjoying the storms? I love a good storm!

I'm still trying to catch up in between doing my comps .... Appreciating the replies Team WaS!

jobbingmusician

Gosh, we have some wise and wonderful people on here. Well said, dibuzz and whitewing xxxxxxxxxxxx

whitewing

DUKE wrote: »

Is everyone enjoying the storms? I love a good storm!

I have always be scared of them but I know I am much less anxious now. We were in the car earlier and I was absolutely fine. Last night, we had our curtains open and I wasn't avoiding looking out in case I saw a man or monster standing at the window. I'm much less scared of the dark too and "things" lurking.

DUKE

I've unplugged the laptop to play safe. Then I'll be completely confused when it goes off as I'll have forgotten that it's unplugged. I'm scared of the dark too, or rather what lurks in it.

whitewing

I also would say, WaS, that a more likely scenario than you being forced to work would be that you got better enough for your DP to be able to do more work. You could then manage the household. So you better get some practice in with your Cupboard of Doom!