Just needed to be heard for a little while

whitewing

DUKE wrote: »

I've unplugged the laptop to play safe. Then I'll be completely confused when it goes off as I'll have forgotten that it's unplugged. I'm scared of the dark too, or rather what lurks in it.

I am less scared after my son informed us that the boogie man might be in the wardrobe. We giggled so much about the prospect of John Travolta jumping out singing 'Night fever, night fever..'

haybel19

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Good Morning everyone!

Today's item to go is a broken wooden shelf. This was kept because I thought that just because something is broken it is thrown away despite serving me well and will therefore feel unwanted and unloved. Struggling again!

I am shaky today after a dream last night. I was having to leave work again and I was so upset because I knew that I would have never have the chance again. That there would be nothing for me afterwards and I would never be useful to anyone. I still carry a lot of scars from the first psychotic break and I am not sure that I will ever forgive myself for the work issue. I am trying to think through mud at the moment so a bit more when the fog lifts.

WaS you have been extremely useful to me.


Remember that quote I posted...


"I must admit that I personally measure success in terms of the contributions an individual makes to her or his fellow human beings"
Margaret Mead



Well done on the shelf- perhaps it will be upcycled into something else?

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you so much, dibuzz. I love to feel useful.

You have summed me up very well, whitewing. If had to choose a sentence to describe myself I would say that I am scared all of the time. Scared of hurting people, scared of working, scared of being homeless, scared of being left behind. So I shrank my world so nothing could hurt me. Fear makes up a huge part of my life, I am always waiting for something to go wrong which is why I keep such a great control over things.

You are right, I am not workshy. In my dream last night I was sobbing because I couldn't work anymore. I was happier than I have ever been in my life when I was working, I absolutely loved it. I am just so scared of causing suffering to another person, I don't trust myself at all. So I lock myself away.

whitewing

I know, WaS, and because I see it in you I recognise how far I have come. You talk about work being the happiest time of your life and I think that is so sad because, as they say, the best is yet to come.

You are a fabulous resource to yourself. You are intelligent, well-educated and kind. I was going to tell you that you have to learn to trust yourself, but you don't have to learn. You just have to do it. I can promise you (and I feel extremely sure of myself here) that you are never going to cause someone to suffer. Never. That doesn't mean you are going to be a quivering wreck for the rest of your life, you are still going to be able to guide people and influence people. You may temporarily upset someone slightly but you are not going to cause harm to another person. You have enough self-awareness and enough people around you to ensure that. You have borderline personality disorder - other people don't feel as devastated by criticism or unkindness as you do, but you are also going to become more resilient. I know this because you remind me of me.

jobbingmusician

I'm very touched. That all sounds right to me, and thank you for sharing, whitewing. :A:

haybel19

whitewing wrote: »

My understanding is that dreaming is when we try to process our memories. So if you are dreaming about work maybe this is helping you to process those memories better with an adult's understanding of the situation. Remember what I said about forgiveness - it is simply being able to accept that the past is what happened. You were ill, and nobody else seemed to notice how ill you were. I agree that we have to take responsibility for our own actions, but we also have to make our own mistakes. You can choose to focus on what you NEARLY did, or you can focus on the fact that you DIDN'T do it. You are not the same person now that you were then, you have made it through to this point, and we are going to help you have a really successful, happy rest of your life. It may not be as successful as it could have been if you hadn't had a bad childhood, but I expect it will touch and enhance more people in many hundreds of tiny little ways. As much as you may have had some failures in the past (and will too in the future), society also failed you. Stop trying to sort it all out by yourself.

ETA: I also think that part of it is linked in to fear about things you have read and heard about benefits and being forced to work. I don't think you are workshy by a long shot. I think you are very scared of being forced into a job that you don't feel equipped to handle. I don't think you are being rational about it all. Life is about taking things a step at a time. You have a good GP and psychiatrist who have good judgement. If they aren't part of your life in the future there will be other good people. You are not going to have to change your life radically until you are well enough. You are going to get a lot, lot better than you are now and that is going to open up possibilities in your future. We will help you. Don't sabotage getting better because you need to have control. I have been a control freak. It works a bit but it soon stars to restrict you a lot more than it empowers you.

WaS, you are in Britain in 2014. You are always going to have a home, even if it isn't the one you have at the moment. You are going to have food on the table, medical treatment by experienced professionals, you are going to have people who care about you and who support you. You may not have riches (unless you write your book, lol) but you will have what you need. You will also find a way to give back to society, within the realms of your personality, illness and circumstances. You may not ever be well enough for a paid job, but then again you actually may be. You are stunting your own wellbeing by catastophising. Feeling the sun on your face one day does not mean that you are going to be forced into a job the next. It simply means that you feel the sun on your face that day. Trust yourself. You don't need to keep suicide in reserve as an option (I do that too sometimes). You also don't need to convince yourself that you are dangerous. It's holding you back from getting better. You have got this far and done a magnificently. You are going to do even better in the future. Whatever worries you in the future, whatever curveball life throws at you, there will ALWAYS be someone who will help you deal with it either on here or in real life.

I am glad about the shelf going. It is an inanimate object that does not have feelings. It is not unwanted or unloved, and neither are you!

Whitewing- It has struck me that I have never told you how much I enjoy your posts. They are always so thoughtful and encouraging and you are very insightful.


That is a brilliant post. I know like me you lack confidence and self esteem but I just wanted to say that you come across as so very kind and thoughtful and your family and friends are lucky to have you.

jobbingmusician

absolutely agreed. whitewing has been particularly inspired today, but is always a really lovely poster!

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you for believing in me when I don't right now (notice I said right now, I open to improving that!). You are also right that I tend to look at things as all or nothing. In the therapy I had before I was 16 my therapist would tell me that I don't have to change my world in a day and if I can't do that it doesn't mean that I have failed. I am extremely self-critical and as you say any unkindness or criticism from other people devastates me.

Just posting here has helped quite a lot. The fact that people want to talk to me still amazes me, I don't feel worthwhile enough for that to happen. It has made me slightly more confident than I was and I have everyone here to thank for that. Thank you.

I have just printed off your posts, whitewing. They are something that I want to keep and read back again when things feel bad.

haybel19

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Thank you for believing in me when I don't right now (notice I said right now, I open to improving that!). You are also right that I tend to look at things as all or nothing. In the therapy I had before I was 16 my therapist would tell me that I don't have to change my world in a day and if I can't do that it doesn't mean that I have failed. I am extremely self-critical and as you say any unkindness or criticism from other people devastates me.

Just posting here has helped quite a lot. The fact that people want to talk to me still amazes me, I don't feel worthwhile enough for that to happen. It has made me slightly more confident than I was and I have everyone here to thank for that. Thank you.

Big hugs. Of course people want to talk to you that is because you are amazing.


In reference to something Whitewing said about the possibility that one day your DP maybe able to do a little work again.


I just wanted to share my story. I have rheumatoid arthritis, Anxiety and OCD and whilst I no longer qualify for ESA, my partner and family do not think I would cope very well in a work role (and neither do I)- as I cannot cope with any form of imperfection and constantly striving for unattainable standards and worrying makes me ill.


Instead my partner works full time and supports me. I stay home with my little girl. I am self employed earning a little by writing articles and making samples - this helped to give me confidence and add a little to the pot without putting myself in a situation in which I would struggle. Maybe in the fullness of time you may find something which is a little hobby that might do the same for you- or perhaps it will be your book. But it really does not matter if you don't.


What I am trying to say and perhaps rather badly in the incredibly unlikely event someone decided you were well enough to work that does not mean you have to. I know your are not workshy, but if you were a little better and your partner could return to work and was able to support you why would you have to work? Perhaps reassurance from him that this would be an appropriate outcome might help? That way maybe all the silly ESA and similar forms may just be the teeny tiniest bit less frightening. After all if you are one day in the distant future a lot better and your partner can work that could be a good thing.


For the record I consider it highly unlikely that you need to worry at all. But I just wondered if turning it on it head and having the idea of your partner working and supporting you whilst you run the house might help. Almost an insurance policy type plan if you like. Sometimes thinking like this helps me.


I really have not worded this very well and sincerely hope I do not trigger anything, I so wish I had the way with words that many other posters have.


I also remember from my own treatment something that was said to me. When you are ill any situation you think of and apply how you feel now whilst ill. However if you were to make improvements however small it may make a big difference to those situations and how they make you feel in future. For example right now going out is very difficult for you, but there was a time in the past when you were even a little better where you were able to. Its equally possible that you will do so again in future but it does not mean that because you go out once you have to do it everyday, or that because you are able to go out anyone will start expecting more from you.


Also a favourite quote of mine...


Worrying is like a rocking chair it give you something to do but gets you nowhere.


I know you cannot help worrying anymore than I can or anyone else for that matter but this quote always makes me smile even if only for a moment.


I do hope that read ok I am so worried abut posting it and have hesitated for what feels like forever, but in the off chance it may be even the tiniest bit useful to someone I have posted. Of course if it upsets anyone please do delete or ignore.


I am off to whittle and worry.


WaS I have been wondering how this thread has helped you? Or how day to day might be even the teeny tiniest bit different? For example maybe your routine is ever so slightly difference as you now come on here to post.


I hope you don't mind me asking but you have often mentioned how helpful you find the thread (as we all do) and I just wondered in what way it had made a difference for you.


I am not always brave enough to ask questions but I just wondered.

whitewing

jobbingmusician wrote: »

absolutely agreed. whitewing has been particularly inspired today, but is always a really lovely poster!

Thank you. Apart from anything else, I had six months' worth of Cognitive Analytic Therapy on the NHS a while ago and am very grateful for that.

I have done some decluttering today and updated progress on the dehoarding thread.To celebrate with me, WaS, please can you go and choose something else from your cupboard to pass on.