child being bullied continuously

sadandlonely

susieq87 wrote: »

it's only going to take your son retaliating to one bully for this to stop. if you do decide to move schools you still have to make sure your son can defend himself because theres no need in moving around when the same problem arises.
my mum told my little brother that if someone hits you, you hit them back, schools dont like this but they dont do anything to solve the problem either.

funny story, 2 weeks ago and a family bbq i hit my brother with a teddy bear and he walked over to me and beat me with it. i got so upset that he was so violent to me and told him that we were not going to go and watch spiderman anymore. he walked away in a huff. when he came back i explained to him that he had to apologise to me because hitting people wasnt nice and he replied "i'm sorry for hitting you but if you hit me i am going to hit you back." it was the funniest and sweetest thing and i had no come back because he was right. if i told him that he shouldnt have done it then if he gets hit by another child he wont know what to do!

have you looked into those karate classes yet? sorry if you have addressed this already!

thanks for your input! your story made me smile! hes such a soft child, he hardly ever retaliates and when he does, the blame lands at his feet. the two kids mother blamed him for the stone throwing when he retaliated back.

i have looked at a few karate classes. he will be starting next week and will have two free weeks and £25 a month there after. if he likes it, theres are few classes around which are cheaper which i may try also. thanks again for your advice x

sadandlonely

teffers wrote: »

100% this.

The school has had an opportunity to sort it out, they haven't. They just want an easy life. This is the real world with people that don't respond to reason.

I was bullied at school and I rarely retaliated. That was a big mistake, it follows you through life. Now I wouldn't stand an inch of it.

Help your child learn to defend himself, and feel confident - it's a gift he'll need for the rest of his life.

Children are bullies because their parents don't care / aren't interested. I'm afraid I would make them interested if my son (he's now 25 so he's ok lol) was being targeted.

It tends to focus the parent's mind if they know every time their kid picks on another kid (especially in a group) that they're going to get the same turning up at their door.

Bullying scum.

Good luck, stay calm if you can (it makes my blood boil personally)

thank you for your advice, much appreciated x

z.n

While fully endorsing the comments about your son having to learn how to deal with bullies/peer group problems, I am shocked that the school is so unsupportive. Just because the bullies' parents are unable or unwilling to provide a good set of rules and boundaries does not let the school off the hook- in fact, that is exactly when a good school will step up to the mark.

If it were me I would be thinking very carefully whether to move schools-not because of the bullying issue per se but because of the can't do attitude of the school. It sounds like they have given up. It doesn't matter really who is responsible for dealing with bullying outside school-these are primary school children and I don't think it unreasonable to expect school to help. In no dramatic rush, without saying anything to DS but with careful research I would be looking and asking around to see what alternatives there are. There are plenty of schools where an out of school problem between peers will be dealt with-my kids have attended both kinds and I know which they were happy to learn in. PSHE classes done right can cover everything-especially with 9 year olds. It just needs an experienced and respected teacher. The worry is that these boys will be following him on into secondary so the earlier it is sorted one way or the other the better. If that means moving schools to get a whole new set of friends then so be it- lots of parents move their boys around for exactly this reason-I can think of six I know straightaway. Any problems about making friends can be tackled more easily in a new peer group at the right school.

Do not engage with the bullies or their parents-clearly you are wasting your breath-they don't want to be your friend, don't want to be kind and their mental health problems and lack of character are not going to be magically solved by your saying just the right thing. Interacting with them in the way you have been simply risks making everything worse for your son because they operate by different rules (ie no respect for others). It won't do anything for your stress levels either. Some people are ignorant and there is nothing you can do about it except put up with it, get those in positions of power to help sort it out or remove yourself and DS from the situation. Deal with things via the school-make yourself a nuisance if need be, or through the LEA or police. Keep a full record of what is happening so you have ammunition. And make sure your son has plenty of more interesting and exciting places and people to go and see in the meantime. Don't make the bullies the stars of your life- pick something you both enjoy and can get involved in while you do your parenting discreetly. Your son deserves some time off from worrying about it all (sadly being a Mum you don't get that chance!) Arts and crafts, trip to buy supplies, planning a project- put a ban on talking about the bullies between certain hours or something.

sadandlonely

thank you z.n, i will be starting to look at other schools. the only reason he went to that one was because he had family nearby who could fetch him home if i was workinf late.the two children from yesterday and his cousin are in the same year in school so will follow him into secondary school. this is another wory of mine and why i want it nipped in the bud now.he makes new friends very easily as hes a lovely kid.

i will start keeping records from now on. i will contact the lea later to get more information on how to deal with bullying. i wont be wasting my breath on the bullies parents no more either as it really got to me yesterday how disrespectful some people can really be. thank you

sadandlonely

Update! Ds came home from school today, asked him how it went. Cousin was starting again. Cousin said to ds I'm going to get my uncle onto you! Ds said back to him, well i will get my dad onto you. Ds told teacher who told them both off.

Not very happy as surely my ds was only retaliating to the Boy. Phoned the school and will be seeing the head again tues. They haven't moved him into different groups either.

meritaten

I hate this policy of punishing both bully and victim equally! what DOES that teach them? school is supposed to prepare kids for 'life' and in 'life' one is actually allowed to defend oneself! or retaliate verbally too.

Person_one

meritaten wrote: »

I hate this policy of punishing both bully and victim equally! what DOES that teach them? school is supposed to prepare kids for 'life' and in 'life' one is actually allowed to defend oneself! or retaliate verbally too.

In 'life' and in British law, self defence is allowed but retaliation and revenge are not. So its perfect preparation, really.

seven-day-weekend

Ransoman wrote: »

I was bullied a lot at school. The situation improved dramatically (but didn't go away completely) after i gave a boy 2 years above me a massive black eye after he tripped me up in the corridors.

The advice i will be giving to my kids is - Keep your cool, don't take name calling personally and don't rise to it. If they start to get phyiscal then you have every right to defend yourself.

My son was bullied at Primary School and at College (although not at Secondary School). He eventually found the best way to stop it was to give the bully as good as they got. We had always taught him not to hit back, but in the end it was the only language the bullies understood.

The Primary School head did nothing and in fact intimated it was my son's fault as he was 'irritating'. They also said why he couldn't just pretend to like football (he was bullied because he preferred to read than play football at break times). We found neither of these comments helpful.

By the time we knew about the bullying, he was just about to leave that school, otherwise we'd have taken him away. Most of the bullies did not go to the same Secondary school that he did. One did, but she was different when on her own. He did not get bullied at Secondary School.

If the school won't do anything, please take your child away. I agree with teaching him how to respond to bullies and with all the other things people have suggested, but I certainly would remove them from the school too.

nonnatus

OP, reading your posts - are you SURE your son is as upset about all this as you think? or are you maybe feeling upset on his behalf?


He seems pretty feisty to me, standing up to them, responding with threats of his own and above all - continuing to WANT to go and play with the bullies... He can't be THAT bothered to keep putting himself in the same position surely?
As other posters have said, maybe he needs toughening up a bit. To learn the "sticks and stones" thing and to have some BASIC self defence skills under his belt.
Maybe spend a month raising his confidence and encouraging him to be a bit more fierce, before doing anything drastic like involving police or changing schools?


(Please don't take offence - mine is just a DIFFERENT opinion, it's not meant to upset or de-moralise you in any way. I was bullied myself twenty years ago and NO WAY would I have EVER wanted to spend time with my bullies as your son seems to want to do.)

sadandlonely

nonnatus wrote: »

OP, reading your posts - are you SURE your son is as upset about all this as you think? or are you maybe feeling upset on his behalf?


He seems pretty feisty to me, standing up to them, responding with threats of his own and above all - continuing to WANT to go and play with the bullies... He can't be THAT bothered to keep putting himself in the same position surely?
As other posters have said, maybe he needs toughening up a bit. To learn the "sticks and stones" thing and to have some BASIC self defence skills under his belt.
Maybe spend a month raising his confidence and encouraging him to be a bit more fierce, before doing anything drastic like involving police or changing schools?


(Please don't take offence - mine is just a DIFFERENT opinion, it's not meant to upset or de-moralise you in any way. I was bullied myself twenty years ago and NO WAY would I have EVER wanted to spend time with my bullies as your son seems to want to do.)

I can see what your saying completely And no offence taken. I think its confidence with him mainly, standing up to to them and not backing off. I do get upset for him, maybe take it to heart but I didn't want this for him as I was bullied throughout school and I know how horrible kids can be. Thank you for your input x