child being bullied continuously

sadandlonely

susieq87 wrote: »

i am not a mother but this is one issue that really worries me when i do have kids. bullying is such a horrible thing esp when it happens to a lovely child which im sure your son is.
unfortunately bullies prey on the lovely ones because they feel they can if they knew that someone would retaliate they probably stay away. i second the advice to enrol him into martial arts club for him to gain confidence and also hit back (i know alot of people will disagree with that but i believe if someone hits you, you should hit them back. reporting them doesnt help evidently)

I was bullied myself as a child and have tried to protect him but I can only do so much. My mother suggested putting a camera on him to see what's happening. I just dread to think that if he's 9 now and it's this bad, what's going to happen when he goes to comp, x

sadandlonely

Thanks for all the advice though, I am looking into the martial arts x

susieq87

sadandlonely wrote: »

I was bullied myself as a child and have tried to protect him but I can only do so much. My mother suggested putting a camera on him to see what's happening. I just dread to think that if he's 9 now and it's this bad, what's going to happen when he goes to comp, x

problem is protecting him will only make it worse because the bullies will tease him for that. its so hard being young! i think he just needs to defend himself and get love and support from mummy when he gets home

[Deleted User]

That's why i'm going to try to get my kids into krav maga so they've got the confidence to defend themselves. I wasn't tough as a child at all; but I was always told to stand up for myself when threatened. I got hauled up to the headmasters a few times for it; but it stopped my 'bullying' in the tracks.

I also believe that you've got to hit back harder than you've been hit. If your son was spat on, he should kick them in the balls and put them on the ground. He needs to send a message that he will not be messed with.

It does go against everything that most parents want from their kids - but you've got to get your children able to face the world without fear

Ransoman

ringo_24601 wrote: »

That's why i'm going to try to get my kids into krav maga so they've got the confidence to defend themselves. I wasn't tough as a child at all; but I was always told to stand up for myself when threatened. I got hauled up to the headmasters a few times for it; but it stopped my 'bullying' in the tracks.

I also believe that you've got to hit back harder than you've been hit. If your son was spat on, he should kick them in the balls and put them on the ground. He needs to send a message that he will not be messed with.

It does go against everything that most parents want from their kids - but you've got to get your children able to face the world without fear

I was bullied a lot at school. The situation improved dramatically (but didn't go away completely) after i gave a boy 2 years above me a massive black eye after he tripped me up in the corridors.

The advice i will be giving to my kids is - Keep your cool, don't take name calling personally and don't rise to it. If they start to get phyiscal then you have every right to defend yourself.

[Deleted User]

Ransoman wrote: »

I was bullied a lot at school. The situation improved dramatically (but didn't go away completely) after i gave a boy 2 years above me a massive black eye after he tripped me up in the corridors.

The advice i will be giving to my kids is - Keep your cool, don't take name calling personally and don't rise to it. If they start to get phyiscal then you have every right to defend yourself.

Oh completely - there needs to be a strong boundary between physical and non-physical actions

z.n

Hi
We had similar problems with DS in Year 3-4. I think boys at that age are just starting to test each other and feel a bit of testosterone. If your son is young in the year (or a later developer) you could be in for a few years of this. You cannot fight his battles for him but you can help give him the right tools so he can fight his own.

My experience was:
1. Moved schools (for other reasons) but realised that the bullying was having an enormous impact on academic performance. Moving to a school with minimal bullying and a genuine no-toleration policy was a revelation. DS felt safe and could concentrate. For this reason alone schools should be fully engaged in sorting out problems- it makes no difference if the worst behaviour happens outside school- it affects the bottom line and it is in the school's best interest to sort it out asap.

2. Improve physical confidence. Martial arts or a decent team sport (football or rugby) ie things that are 'cool' to boys that age can help. In my son's case he felt unable to hit back even though we thought this would sort it, so we worked on using his rugby skill of keep ploughing forward/don't go backwards to get him to block and step forward into the bully when attacked, head down and pushing with legs. It did and in the years since has done the trick without him having to actually hit back at all. Working within his personal rule set was more productive than just telling him to hit back when he did not want to risk hurting the other person.

3. Role play at home to ensure DS can keep calm in the face of taunts or teasing. DS was a target because he shows his emotions too easily. In some cases the bullying was simply teasing gone too far or allowed to escalate into something physical. Learning to keep calm, assess and decide on a response took time though. This also meant other options were available- calmly reporting to a teacher that XX has been trying to bully again sends a very different message (to boys) than running up crying that you are being bullied (iyswim.) Whining/crying/running to Mummy all make the problem worse unless the adults are securely in charge- and even then the problem will rear its head again later as the boys get older. So being able to cope now will ultimately put the child in a better position to cope at secondary.

4. Explaining DS is perfect as is to me, but we live in an imperfect world where others try to pass their stress off onto us or sometime just enjoy making people sad. We can choose not to engage with these people if it is harming us. So just because someone was a friend or family does not mean we have to put up with their bad behaviour. It is sad for them but not an excuse and certainly not a child's job to sort out. A break from them (including outside school) is good and gives them space and DS the chance to make some new friends. Those new friends can further insulate the child from the risk of harm. However, in due course the bullies might realise their error and try to be friends again- that's fine if done in the right spirit. My DS is best friends with his very first bully- they had a friendship break of about 6 months and all resolved.

5. Make sure child is equipped to make new friends-eg joining a club/ having a common interest/ improving football skills with the acknowledged aim of coming in mid pecking order with another group, not at the bottom. Knowing some of the older boys (through a club or activity) also helps. Good friends insulate a child from the emotional damage bullies do. I am not sure parents can fulfil this role.

6. Don't get all over-dramatic about it- he is still young enough that this can all blow over. ie model calm concern. Watch your son carefully to ensure you are not over-stepping the mark. Let him try to take up the reins himself (it sounds like he is trying to do so by standing up for himself) and be his supporter rather than his avenger. Project your confidence in his ability to find a way of handling it (while secretly being a mother hen of course !)

Try getting few books about bullying- just knowing they are not alone or unusual in any way can boost confidence. I am not even convinced the child has to read it-just knowing it is published and that you care enough to find a copy is enough. Something like Sidekicks and Kingpins (recommended by another poster on here a few days ago) might be good too. Or Raising Confident Boys by Biddulph.

Sorry to go one- I do talk a lot! Just to say the reason my DS did not want to hit another child is because he retaliated against a boy two years older (and about twice his size) age 8, leaving the other boy a bloody tearful mess on the floor and DS with no recollection of how it happened. Subsequent peer group bullies did not realise DS failure to fight back despite constant provocation was from fear for their safety and nothing to do with fear of them.

double_mummy

ringo_24601 wrote: »

That's why i'm going to try to get my kids into krav maga

my big one just likes shouting it (like on simpsons) or he speaks hebrew to kids not being nice to him then they get all confused and report him to a teacher for saying bad things when he is normally just saying something stupid that doesnt make any sense lol

OP i understand why you are making excuses for these other kids but they need to learn now that just because they are upset it doesnt mean that they can lash out like this. would you accept a colleague walking into work and hitting you or spitting on you because their husband/wife has left them? NO so why is it fine to accept it on your childs behalf

pimento

My son (who was being bullied) loved the Air Cadets (Air Training Corps) but they don't take you until you're 13. It gave him some confidence and he made loads of new friends.

atolaas

pimento wrote: »

My son (who was being bullied) loved the Air Cadets (Air Training Corps) but they don't take you until you're 13. It gave him some confidence and he made loads of new friends.

I'm a girl and was an Air Cadet too!I think I'm right in saying that Army & Sea Cadets don't take you until you're 13 either. There are plenty of organisations that your son can get involved in. Boys Brigade, Cubs or Scouts could all be options. As pimento said should help with his confidence and making friends too. Good Luck x