The number...truth or lie??

Domayne

Haha or -

E - accept that people have a past, you have no need/right to know about it unless it affects your future and just enjoy the present

StuC75

Had this topic of conversation with my gf at the weekend (she posed the question), our answers were quite close - went for the write it on a beer mat to reveal at same time so neither could re-adjust answer after the other, and fell in a range that many would be quite judgemental on this thread with it seems..

But what was more important was that all activity was monogamous and neither one of us has ever cheated whilst in a relationship (and something value in terms of trust and respect).
Protection had always been important and we both had screening before we considered any change from that (that was a much earlier conversation than this topic), and sensible in todays age.. - Ignorance is not a form of protection.

If anything what she was more concerned/ well jealous in respect to a particular 'outcome' that she hadn't experienced..

As for the OP and whether the question was too soon, there is sense in saying that "You would look at the log book before buying the car", rather than "waiting till you've driven home and the exhaust has dropped off"..

missprice

VestanPance wrote: »

As I've said numerous times already. If the question bothers you then you should question your compatibility.

I am fairly sure its not the question so much as how the answer is perceived that us the problem.

If someone asked that question and added the qualifier of x ex partners is too many then they may well get a real answer. I for one would then walk away saying if someone is so judgemental about ex partners that are in the past then I would not even want to sleep with them anyway.

If I asked someone how much they earned over the past 10 years and how much property they owned, I would be called a gold digger I suspect.

If I asked someone all of their medical history, that would just be weird.

Its just a very strange question to ask.

lostinrates

StuC75 wrote: »

But what was more important was that all activity was monogamous and neither one of us has ever cheated whilst in a relationship (and something value in terms of trust and respect).
Protection had always been important and we both had screening before we considered any change from that (that was a much earlier conversation than this topic), and sensible in todays age.. - Ignorance is not a form of protection.
"..

These would be important topics of conversation to me too. They might not be irredeemable problems.

Attitude towards where things went wrong is important to me. I appreciate responsibility in a person a great deal, but not a martyr ).


On paper DH might not have been that compatible. But in fact, its where we are different as much as where we are the same I think that keeps us as blessed as we have been in our relationship.

lostinrates

missprice wrote: »

I am fairly sure its not the question so much as how the answer is perceived that us the problem.

If someone asked that question and added the qualifier of x ex partners is too many then they may well get a real answer. I for one would then walk away saying if someone is so judgemental about ex partners that are in the past then I would not even want to sleep with them anyway.

If I asked someone how much they earned over the past 10 years and how much property they owned, I would be called a gold digger I suspect.

If I asked someone all of their medical history, that would just be weird.

Its just a very strange question to ask.

Agree. Not just the question, but the context. That it was asked a second time so son deposite her deflection and his acknowledgement of it with no, 'let's discuss comfort' and then the other questions that were making her uncomfortable.

IMO this was emotionally 'dishonest' in that it was ignoring the fact he seemed to acknowledge he had made her uncomfortable .....and seemed ok with that with no discussion about how they felt about it and why.

VestanPance

missprice wrote: »

I am fairly sure its not the question so much as how the answer is perceived that us the problem.

If someone asked that question and added the qualifier of x ex partners is too many then they may well get a real answer. I for one would then walk away saying if someone is so judgemental about ex partners that are in the past then I would not even want to sleep with them anyway.

If I asked someone how much they earned over the past 10 years and how much property they owned, I would be called a gold digger I suspect.

If I asked someone all of their medical history, that would just be weird.

Its just a very strange question to ask.

People will ask strange questions though, as what is important to them may seem absurd to you. Just look at any relationship thread for talk of 'red flags', which seems to be everything and anything in the world ever depending on the person!

I'll never change my opinion that lying is a good option though. To me you either answer honestly, or note that there are compatibility issues and move on.

Let's face it just about every answer you give in the early days of dating no matter how trivial you are being judged on. You're being weighed up as a potential partner or not. Hell some nutters would drop you because you didn't like their favourite band or film!

VestanPance

Domayne wrote: »

Haha or -

E - accept that people have a past, you have no need/right to know about it unless it affects your future and just enjoy the present

A partners past will matter to many people, no matter if you like that or not.

To use an extreme example say some guy had beaten an ex of his ten years ago but never been convicted (or even reported) and not raised a finger since, would you want to know? Thankfully with Claires Law if he had been convicted you could get that information, but you couldn't if he hadn't.

A less extreme example would be someone say with a history of infedility. Would you be happy that this bevahiour is all in the past? What about a history of depression? A history of being bad with money?

For some one or any of those wouldn't be an issue, but for some they will.

If you are dating someone then surely you are going to ask the questions you deem important to you to weigh up that person as a potential partner. No matter if we like it or not, for some that will be our previous sexual history.

StuC75

Sounds right to me.

Quite a few on this thread seem very quick to bury there head in the sand and not ask that question, just hope that never comes back to haunt any of them in the shape of a letter in the post from a clinic..which point 'You never asked' isn't what you would want to hear back..

lostinrates wrote: »

These would be important topics of conversation to me too. They might not be irredeemable problems.

Attitude towards where things went wrong is important to me. I appreciate responsibility in a person a great deal, but not a martyr ).


On paper DH might not have been that compatible. But in fact, its where we are different as much as where we are the same I think that keeps us as blessed as we have been in our relationship.

missprice

VestanPance wrote: »

People will ask strange questions though, as what is important to them may seem absurd to you. Just look at any relationship thread for talk of 'red flags', which seems to be everything and anything in the world ever depending on the person!

I'll never change my opinion that lying is a good option though. To me you either answer honestly, or note that there are compatibility issues and move on.

Let's face it just about every answer you give in the early days of dating no matter how trivial you are being judged on. You're being weighed up as a potential partner or not. Hell some nutters would drop you because you didn't like their favourite band or film!

Well I never said one should lie either.

But I still think if that question will be asked, then a qualifier is needed.
Same as if I ask about earnings, then I should state anything less than x is a no go.

And I think you must be very young or I must be sheltered if you know of people that will drop a budding relationship for something trivial like fave bands etc.
My OH lives and breathes cars. I CBA with them, to me they are a mode of transport, better than walking. But years on now and we are still compatible in plenty of other ways.

Domayne

VestanPance wrote: »

A partners past will matter to many people, no matter if you like that or not.

To use an extreme example say some guy had beaten an ex of his ten years ago but never been convicted (or even reported) and not raised a finger since, would you want to know? Thankfully with Claires Law if he had been convicted you could get that information, but you couldn't if he hadn't.

A less extreme example would be someone say with a history of infedility. Would you be happy that this bevahiour is all in the past? What about a history of depression? A history of being bad with money?

If you are dating someone then surely you are going to ask the questions you deem importnat to you to weigh up that person as a potential partner. No matter if we like it or not, for some that will be our previous sexual history.

No, because I don't think the past defines you as a person or makes you who you are today. In my mind, anybody has the capability of going a little psycho and doing something 'out of character' I don't think it means it will become a pattern...
for example, in 2005 I went a little crazy, did a lot of stupid things which ended with me trying to od and ended up sectioned in a psychiatric unit for 3 weeks...I haven't been back to that place since, I don't think I would in future...so what use does that have in revealing to a partner - except to make him think im crazy/unbalanced or something when I'm not?
When your dating someone, things of their character tend to come out naturally and then you can judge if they are the person you want to settle with...why give the 3rd degree on a persons past to decide that WHEN IT DOESN'T DEFINE THEM?