I really messed up this time

introubleneedhelp

Hi all,

Im a long time lurker and reader of MSE and I nowdesperately need your help. As the title states I have really messed up. Forgiveme for the long essay im about to write.



My ex and I had been together since January 2010 andbroke up last year end of march because she found naked pictures of anothergirl in my phone while we were on holiday. I was not sleeping with this girl oreven met up with her it was just flirting and exchanging pictures etc. but myex did not believe me so we broke up. A month after we broke up I startedseeing the girl who I had been flirting with and she got pregnant. During thistime my ex and I were still seeing each other but not talking about gettingback together. I did not know how to tell my ex because I know she would havestopped talking to me and I didn’t want that. Selfish, I know. She was datingother men which she told me about and I started having a relationship with theother girl who was now pregnant.

She gave birth to my daughter in February and wemaintained our relationship. During our time together she fell in love with meand I told her that I loved her but I didn’t, I was still in love with my exwho I was still seeing on and off. Towards the end of March my ex startedtalking about getting back together because we were getting older and she saidthat she was willing to forgive everything I had done previously in ourrelationship because neither of us were perfect but she was willing to put inthe work. She also proposed us spending some time apart for a week or so toreflect on what had gone wrong in our relationship so that when we do get backtogether we wouldn’t have the same problems. I was very scared to tell her butknew that if we were going to make a go of it I would have to tell the truth. Wewere going to meet up at her flat on the first Friday of April, the Wednesday beforethat she asked me to come over to her flat because it was important. When I gotthere she told me that she knew about the baby because someone called her lastnight and told her to look at the other woman’s facebook profile which hadstatus updates saying she loved me and also pictures of the baby.

I denied the relationship with the mother but admitted tothe baby. She started crying and could see that she was really hurt.

Fast forward to now, I broke it off with the mother of mychild as I told her I would and I am trying so hard to get her back. I know I messedup really bad because when we talk about being together she says that mydaughter is going to be a constant reminder of the pain I made her feel. This isthe woman I have always wanted to be with ever since I laid eyes on her, I wasjust so stupid to think I could get away with everything. I have bought herflowers, groceries, a new ipad that she said she wanted but has now changed hermind and I am trying everything. We have been out a few times since she foundout because I want to remind her of how good we are together and we have a goodfew minutes and then we end up fighting. She has now stopped talking to mecompletely and has blocked me on everything so I cannot communoicate with her.

I know I messed up and I really need your help because I don’tknow what else to do. Does anyone think I have a chance to get her back? I knowshe still loves me because she told me, she just doesn’t know if she can getover this.



Please help.

time2deal

You have a child. Focus on what is right for her, and then once that is sorted out then start to think about yourself. Your priorities are all wrong at the moment.

Confusedandneedhelp

Wow, and I thought my situation was complicated.

To be honest, the problem isn't you having a child ( though remember that your child has to come first ), it's you that's the problem.

U lied about the relationship u were having. It should not have been a secret, u were both seeing other people.

U say she loves u, but that's not really the problem. She clearly will need time to cope with this revalation. But really she needs to cope with the fact that your child will always take first place over her. That is a lot to consider.

Whatever u do, make sure to support and care for your daughter. I understand your predicament, it's not far different from mine. But this is the situation and u need to deal with it

quidsy

April 1st you say?

heartbreak_star

quidsy wrote: »

April 1st you say?

Tempted to agree but I'll give the benefit of the doubt.

OP, think about what is best for your child, and STOP LYING to these women!

HBS x

tomtontom

No advice just wanted to say you sound like a real catch! :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

quidsy

Agree ^^

OP, if you aren't a saddo living under a bridge;

You have lied, deceived & abused the emotions of these 2 women. You have a child now, act like a man & be a parent but leave these 2 women alone & take a long time to stay single & try to work on yourself as a person, as currently you are not doing a good job of being "a decent human being"

SailorSam

If when you go out you only have 'a good few minutes and then end op fighting', it doesn't sound like you make a good couple.
Your ex is annoyed at you 'cos she can't trust you. Ok perhaps you cheated back in 2010 with the girl on your phone, perhaps you didn't. Your ex got over that, put it in the past but then you've not been honest with her since. Your ex told you about the other men she'd been dating so she was making it clear your relationship was over, that was the time you should have come forward and told her about the girl on the phone. No wonder she doesn't trust you now.
Does the girl with the baby know that you were seeing your ex all the time you were sleeping with her, or were you cheating on them both.
I think you want your cake and eat it to.

shelley_crow

Focus your energies on your daughter. Don't let this mess get in the way of her first few months. Accept that your ex might not ever want you back, give her space and stop trying to buy your way back in. It's totally possible to love someone but not to like them very much, let her figure things out. Also, give your baby's mom space too and don't string her along. Did you tell her you had a girlfriend when you were swapping dirty pictures?

Lastly but most importantly...contraception contraception contraception. So important I said it thrice. The very last thing you need is another baby being thrust into this mess.

PlymouthMaid

I am afraid that if girlfriend no 1 has any sense she will not get re-involved with as it is likely to bring her a world of pain. It is quite sad but you did bring it ion yourself. All you can do is make sure she knows that you want a future with her and leave her alone to make her mind up if she can handle the mess.

You need to build a relationship with your daughter but not with her mother as a partner unless you are sure it is for the right reasons and you wont be messing her about too (obviously you cannot be with this second woman of you have declared undying love to number 1).

Some of it is out of your hands but you need to 100% honest with all parties and be a good Dad to your little girl.

thorsoak

introubleneedhelp wrote: »

Hi all,

Im a long time lurker and reader of MSE and I nowdesperately need your help. As the title states I have really messed up. Forgiveme for the long essay im about to write.



My ex and I had been together since January 2010 and broke up last year end of march because she found naked pictures of another girl in my phone while we were on holiday. I was not sleeping with this girl or even met up with her it was just flirting and exchanging pictures etc. but my ex did not believe me so we broke up.

A month after we broke up I started seeing the girl who I had been flirting with and she got pregnant. During this time my ex and I were still seeing each other but not talking about getting back together. I did not know how to tell my ex because I know she would have stopped talking to me and I didn’t want that. Selfish, I know. She was dating other men which she told me about and I started having a relationship with the other girl who was now pregnant. She gave birth to my daughter in February and we maintained our relationship. During our time together she fell in love with me and I told her that I loved her but I didn’t, I was still in love with my ex who I was still seeing on and off.

Towards the end of March my ex started talking about getting back together because we were getting older and she said that she was willing to forgive everything I had done previously in our relationship because neither of us were perfect but she was willing to put in the work.

She also proposed us spending some time apart for a week or so to reflect on what had gone wrong in our relationship so that when we do get back together we wouldn’t have the same problems. I was very scared to tell her but knew that if we were going to make a go of it I would have to tell the truth. We were going to meet up at her flat on the first Friday of April, the Wednesday before that she asked me to come over to her flat because it was important. When I got there she told me that she knew about the baby because someone called her last night and told her to look at the other woman’s facebook profile which had status updates saying she loved me and also pictures of the baby.

I denied the relationship with the mother but admitted to the baby. She started crying and could see that she was really hurt.

Fast forward to now, I broke it off with the mother of my child as I told her I would and I am trying so hard to get her back. I know I messed up really bad because when we talk about being together she says that my daughter is going to be a constant reminder of the pain I made her feel. This is the woman I have always wanted to be with ever since I laid eyes on her, I was just so stupid to think I could get away with everything. I have bought her flowers, groceries, a new ipad that she said she wanted but has now changed her mind and I am trying everything. We have been out a few times since she found out because I want to remind her of how good we are together and we have a good few minutes and then we end up fighting. She has now stopped talking to me completely and has blocked me on everything so I cannot communoicate with her.

I know I messed up and I really need your help because I don’t know what ele to do. Does anyone think I have a chance to get her back? I know she still loves me because she told me, she just doesn’t know if she can get over this.

Please help.

What an absolute catch you are! The only help I can offer is to stop thinking about yourself, and start thinking about the child that you fathered. What about her? You are responsible for begetting her, this is a new life who does not deserve you as a father - and her mother and your ex will be far better off without you in their lives. But you have to pay maintenance towards this baby girl - CSA will be after you for 15% of your income to be paid to her mother.

You've lied to both these women - and to yourself - its time to start to grow up! Have you told your parents that they are grandparents yet? What do they think of you?

Politeness forbids me to tell you what I think of you!