Annoyed, Senior Manager asked me out for a drink

fivetide

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

It only becomes an HR issue and harassment if he continues with the texts and continues to ask you out from here on in.

Spot on and what I was saying.

Azmataz

Your first response saying that you were busy all that weekend gave him an opening to ask about another potential meet up. You then set him straight saying that it won't happen full stop and silence has ensued.
Problem nipped in the bud and nothing to be peeved about.

trailingspouse

You've done exactly the right thing OP, and as other posters have said, this is hopefully the end of it.

You'd obviously already clocked this guy due to his inappropriate behaviour towards women in general. Keep a diary, and suggest that your colleagues do too. He's not the only senior manager who has ever behaved inappropriately (doesn't mean it's OK), and a level of so-called banter is acceptable, but whenever you feel he has overstepped the mark in future you need to send a shot across his bows. In other words you need to spell it out - 'This is what you have done/said. This is not acceptable behaviour, please don't do/say it again.' You don't need to make threats of going to HR (if it happens again, just go to HR), you don't need to get into an argument about it, just stay professional and tell it to him straight. You don't have to put up with it.

[Deleted User]

I've been in a similar situation some time ago. He was married as am I. He was saying odd things during work calls and again trying to arrange drinks and meet after work. In the end I had an informal word with HR so that I could have something put on record in case the situation got out-of-hand. In real life I would have told him to f off, but I could not do that at work and remain professional. I was concerned that my reputation at work would be compromised and I was also concerned about my job. It was all very embarrassing, but HR were great and very understanding.

People may think he has just asked her out for a drink and that this is no big deal. However, he has been inappropriate for two reasons (1) he has used her personal number for something non-work related specifically after being asked not too. (2) Being a senior manager means that he has a duty of care to his staff and it is inappropriate to approach her in this way. It is a place of work not a dating agency.

My advice would be to save the texts including your replies, but do nothing for the moment. Be polite, but distant to him when you have to work with him. So if he tries any non-work related chat then be nice and breezy e.g. "yes, had a lovely weekend thanks, oh sorry must dash lots to do today" kind of thing. Don't get caught in a conversation with him even if you have to walk away. Still smile and be nice, but make an excuse and walk off.

If he continues have an "off the record chat" with HR for advice.

maman

Azmataz wrote: »

Your first response saying that you were busy all that weekend gave him an opening to ask about another potential meet up. You then set him straight saying that it won't happen full stop and silence has ensued.
Problem nipped in the bud and nothing to be peeved about.

I agree.


I think we do need to remember that single people do meet in the workplace and subsequently start relationships. It happens all the time.


OK so this guy may be a bit socially inept but that doesn't mean he needs reporting!


It rather depends on what OP means about his behaviour with women in the workplace. Is he pushing unwelcome attention/remarks onto them or is he simply trying to be friendly.

BugglyB

It matters because he is a senior manager, and as such should not be abusing his position. He shouldn't be propositioning junior colleagues regardless of their relationship status, its unethical and unprofessional.

sj77

I accept that office romances happen all the time, its not being asked out for a drink thats the main issue. I am not a prude! So to clarify:

Generally (from experience), when you have to give a personal mobile number for meeting arrangements then you expect it only to be used for that purpose only, especially when specified that in the email. This is not someone that I would ever consider a 'friend' therefore using this number to text me in the evening is not appropriate.

There is personal information about me available to him at work that I do not expect to be used for his advantage. i.e. if he accesses my record and gets my home address would that be okay for him to pop round? I don't think so. So why is it appropriate for him to be texting me asking me for a drink with a number obtained for work purposes?

Also, he knew I was in a relationship so texting me at 9pm in the evening to invite me out for a drink on the weekend, whilst my boyfriend is sat next to me just seems to cause unnecessary aggravation. Thankfully my bf is cool.

Morglin

sj77 wrote: »

A couple of weeks ago myself and a few colleagues went abroad for a business trip, I had to share my personal mobile no (as no company phone available) in order that we could arrange to meet up over there. I made it clear it it was my personal number and only for use whilst away.

Fast forward 2 weeks, one of the senior managers who I shared my number with has text me to ask me out for a drink the other day. I politely declined and said that I was busy all weekend with my boyfriend (which he knew about before).. then he text back and asked about the weekend after to which I realised I have to be firm and spelt it out that No I do not want to go for a drink with him and that I do not wish to mix outside of work. Silence phew.

I am annoyed on a couple fronts:

1) As my work do not provide mobile phones I had to give out my personal number and he took advantage of this. I would not have given this man my number for personal use under any circumstances.

2) He knew before that I had a boyfriend!

We have to work together quite a bit, now I feel even more awkward than I did before. He's back in the office wed and not looking forward to it. I'm sure he will say I misunderstood him, but do you really ask a female colleague (with a bf) out for a drink on a weekend? The answer was always likely to be no, so why make things awkward by asking?

He is quite odd and very unprofessional and sometimes making inappropriate comments. especially for someone his level.

My plan is to see how things go wednesday, I'm going to have to be strong and make it clear that I'm not interesting in socialising , I want to talk work only.

I feel like I am over-reacting, but yet cant help feeling very annoyed. I am quite a shy person really and do not enjoy dealing with difficult situations.

Am I handling this the right way?

Do as we did years ago with old leches.

Say no, make it clear you are amused, and move on.

Asking someone out for a drink isn't an offence (yet!):beer:

Lin

TBagpuss

I think it would be appropriate to let HR know. While asking a colleague out for a drink is not, of itself, necessarily inappropriate, there are issues here which shows it wasn't just someone trying to chat up a collegaue, and which were unprofessional:

(i) he should not have used a private umber, which was provided solely for use in the context of the business trip,and which OP clearly stated was for hat purpose only.
(ii) As a senior staff member he should be aware that more junior staff are likely to find it difficult to stand up to him and should be particualrly careful not put someone in a position where they feel that how they behave in a private / social situation could affect how they are seen in their job.
(iii) as a matter of common manners he should have backed off when he was told no.

The fact that other staff members have found him inappropriate before does, to my mind, suggest that he either doesn't now, or doesn't care, about appropriate boundaries and it may be that if the normal response it to ignore him hat HR has not had an opportunity to speak to him.

Unless you think it is likely to cause major problems for you, I would speak to HR, tell them that you feel he may be clueless rather than deliberately inappropriate but that youdon't feel it was inappropriate.

Are you likely to have to go on other business trips? If so, I would also be saying that due to this incident you now feel uncomfortable about sharing your personal number with colleagues and ask whether some general training about appropriate use of this information might be a good idea.

Georgiegirl256

sj77 wrote: »

There is personal information about me available to him at work that I do not expect to be used for his advantage. i.e. if he accesses my record and gets my home address would that be okay for him to pop round? I don't think so. So why is it appropriate for him to be texting me asking me for a drink with a number obtained for work purposes?
.

No, it would not be appropriate him popping round to your house, that is definetly overstepping the mark.

The texting thing however, yes it's wrong if you had definetly stressed that it was your personal number that was not to be used for anything other than work purposes. Yes it's wrong considering you have a boyfriend. But, the thing is he might not have engaged his brain to think how inappropriate he was being.

It's up to you obviously, but if I was you, I'd leave it for now, but if it continues, THEN you report it to HR, doing so after only 2 texts, well the words Mountain and Molehill spring to mind.