grandparents letting teen get away with everything

CH27

Your approach with your son obviously isn't working OP so I think you need to change how you behave.
There are many ways to deal with things & you need to try to find what suits your son.

Personally I would have gone to collect when he asked.
He will see it as he reached out to you & you rebuffed him therefore you don't love/like/want him.

FBaby

Your approach with your son obviously isn't working OP so I think you need to change how you behave.

No, it's the grand parents that isn't working. The OP was probably getting there when the grand parents decided to take him in and totally undermined what OP was trying to establish, leading to OP's son thinking he'd 'won the battle'. OP's son has an affectionate relationship with his mum, he just doesn't want her rules and boundaries, the one thing that he needs most.

Personally I would have gone to collect when he asked

And then the next time, and the time after and after, building an expectation that she will be there to act as his personal taxi anytime he needs it.

If he assimilates that his mum not running to serve him each time he makes a demand as her not loving him, then he clearly needs a lot of counselling. Loving our children is not being at their beck and call, it is preparing them for adulthood, guiding them, whilst showing them affection and care, when OP is doing.

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

No, it's the grand parents that isn't working. The OP was probably getting there when the grand parents decided to take him in and totally undermined what OP was trying to establish, leading to OP's son thinking he'd 'won the battle'. OP's son has an affectionate relationship with his mum, he just doesn't want her rules and boundaries, the one thing that he needs most.

The OP's son has been excluded from mainstream school due to his behaviour, PRU is usually a last resort when no school will take on a pupil. Clearly, even though she's obviously been doing her best, her way has not been effective so far.

OP, I think you should ask for more help for you and for your parents from the PRU or from CAMHS/social services so that you can work together with common goals. No parent gets given a manual on how to deal with their children and teenagers. An outside perspective and some advice from someone with lots of experience of these situations may well be useful.

CH27

FBaby wrote: »

No, it's the grand parents that isn't working. The OP was probably getting there when the grand parents decided to take him in and totally undermined what OP was trying to establish, leading to OP's son thinking he'd 'won the battle'. OP's son has an affectionate relationship with his mum, he just doesn't want her rules and boundaries, the one thing that he needs most.

And then the next time, and the time after and after, building an expectation that she will be there to act as his personal taxi anytime he needs it.

If he assimilates that his mum not running to serve him each time he makes a demand as her not loving him, then he clearly needs a lot of counselling. Loving our children is not being at their beck and call, it is preparing them for adulthood, guiding them, whilst showing them affection and care, when OP is doing.

OP's son obviously has a lot of problems.
I would normally agree about preparing them for adulthood but OP's son needs help for issues that most of us parents don't have to deal with.
OP needs to find a way to reach him.

The grandparents are there for him & keep channels open to him & are doing their best.

Morglin

On a practical level, 10pm is a very early time to expect a 16 year old lad to be in at.

Can he not get a bus home from wherever, or a cab, to save anyone picking him up?

I expect your parents are just trying to do their best, for both of you, as it us very difficult to watch the grandchild you love, warring with the child you love.

Teenagers can be, and often are, horrible creatures - but, the good news is that the vast majority do grow out of it.:T

Lin

Brewstersmum

Morglin wrote: »

On a practical level, 10pm is a very early time to expect a 16 year old lad to be in at.

Can he not get a bus home from wherever, or a cab, to save anyone picking him up?

I expect your parents are just trying to do their best, for both of you, as it us very difficult to watch the grandchild you love, warring with the child you love.

Teenagers can be, and often are, horrible creatures - but, the good news is that the vast majority do grow out of it.:T

Lin

the PRU actually give my son a bus pass which is brilliant as he goes to placements around the city on different days. he can use the bus pass whenever he likes but, in his own words, 'I don't do the bus'. granddad runs him everywhere he asks so he refuses to use public transport. I pay his grandparents for their expenses too before anyone asks as its only right but I do get annoyed that they run him around as I end up paying for it.


its very difficult for them which is why im not going to mention the fact I know they collected him.


thanks for your replies, maybe I do need to take some time out on a desert island somewhere

FBaby

OP, your son seems the think that the world owes him everything, whilst making as little effort himself. How/why do think this came about? I do agree that something must have not been right that he would wind up with such an attitude. Did you use not to be so strict in your discipline, or has he always battle any kind of discipline/boundaries ever since he was a small kid?

FatVonD

I don't think the problem is necessarily down to parenting, there are many families where several children are all brought up in the same household and only one goes off the rails (plus this is a child with diagnosed bi-polar disorder.)

I think some posters may be in for a bit of a shock when their own children hit the same age.

FatVonD

OP, I agree that 10pm is quite early for a 16-year-old and I think you need to learn to choose your battles.

I'm always happy to pick up my son, not just so I know he's safe but also because car journeys are where he tends to chat most about what's going on in his life.

Person_one

FatVonD wrote: »

I don't think the problem is necessarily down to parenting, there are many families where several children are all brought up in the same household and only one goes off the rails (plus this is a child with diagnosed bi-polar disorder.)

I think some posters may be in for a bit of a shock when their own children hit the same age.

Even in the same household, no two children get the exact same upbringing.

I think you may be underestimating the seriousness of this young man's situation. Normal teen angst and rebellion does not generally land you in a PRU, excluded from mainstream education.