grandparents letting teen get away with everything

JIL

I think you are being unfair to your parents.
They have always been there for you and your son, they looked after him when you went out to work ten years ago. Your son seems to have a close relationship with them. They now seem to be stuck in the middle. Hence the reason when you say you dont want them to pick your son up, they do and then dont tell you the truth about it. They are trying to do their best for both their daughter and grandson.
you cannot have it all ways, either your son lives with you full time and you make the rules or he lives with them full times and they make the rules. Or you meet in the middle.
As it stands you are both "parenting" him.
They do what they believe is best for him and you tell them to do whats best for him. No wonder theres conflict.
Teenagers are hard work, they test you to your limits, but eventually a decent adult will emerge.

Blackpool_Saver

meritaten wrote: »

While I realise that your son is 'difficult' - there is no way on this earth I would want my 16 year old son wandering the streets late at night. Teenage boys are more likely to be the victims of violence than any other age group.
I think your parents were wise to overrule you and pick him up - simply because it wasn't SAFE for him to be out.
I think you are not picking your battles, so are on a hiding to nothing - this rule that he walks everywhere............he sees you taking the car all the time, but HE has to walk? even at night? when there are adults capable of making sure he gets home safely? he called at 10pm, I would have been amazed if my kids had called before midnight!!!!!!!!!! and I view being a 'taxi service' as being part of being a parent - until they get their own wheels.
Teens have a very black and white view of 'fairness' and I am sure he thinks you treat him unfairly. why not sit down with him and ask how he feels about things? decide which 'rules' can be relaxed if he makes a good case? being inflexible wont endear him to you - not if his grandparents are more reasonable.

Yes this is how I feel too

Nicki

My son is 14 not 16 but I can't imagine if he was diagnosed with bipolar and was in a down swing and wanted me or another adult to go with him to a doctor's appointment that I would refuse or think this unreasonable.

Like some of the other posters have said, if he was out at 10 oclock and called to ask for a lift I would go and get him because I would assume he felt unsafe. There are two issues really - is he going to become a victim of a gang, or is he going to be strongly influenced into bad behaviour which might result in a criminal record, if he is out on his own, with his bipolar diagnosis, and the adults he asks won't help him remove himself from the situation.

You have tried the strong and firm discipline and by your own admission this hasn't worked and not only did his behaviour stay bad but he also chose to move out and live with his grandparents. Would it be so awful to let them try their own approach at parenting him which might well be very different to yours? Nothing is going to work overnight in any event but it is very hard for your parents to have a very difficult teen living with them and also facing criticism and hostility from you as well.

Your son has got some support agencies involved for himself. Would it be possible for you also to access some help for yourself to resolve your feelings about your broken relationship with him, his behaviour and his mental health status which will be a lifelong issue? From your posts you are very angry about the whole situation and perhaps if you could get some peace and some space you could deal with things more easily?

poet123

Teenagers can be difficult but 10pm is not late imo. I would have picked him up and I don't blame your parents for doing so. Ditto doctors appointments. I think you have to accept he has problems and act accordingly. Your parents are between a rock and hard place.

FBaby

I'm with you, I think your parents are doing the most harm helping your teenager. If he has at the stage of saying all he wants is to be on the dole in a council house, then clearly what he is after is getting everything easy. Your parents showing him that he can get it is only going to encourage him to continue that way once he moves out.

I think you are doing the right thing by him, and it shows since he is happy to spend time with you. It sounds like you have a good relationship, but wants everything handed to him on a plate, hence living with your parents. This is very destructable and I would be furious with my parents if I was in your shoes. They clearly mean well, but are making a problem that was only emerging much worse.

where I don't agree with you is this

as for CAHMS well last time we saw them they said its all because he doesn't see his dad. seems like a lame and easy to come by excuse and I don't think its particularly true.

I expect this is not an excuse at all. Kids react extremely differently to being abandonned by one or two parents. Some move on and feel no sense of loss, others take it as a rejection of their own being. They don't look at the failures of the person who should have been there, they see their own failure at not having managed to hold that person in their life.
Do you ever talk to your son about his dad?

I think the best thing you can do is make the best of the time you have together. Talk, talk and talk as much as you can without alienating him. Don't discuss his life with your parents, you can't do much about it anyway, but show him that there is so much more to gain from a life where you better yourself and become self-sufficient than a life totally dependent on what others make of it.

Good luck OP, it must be heartbreaking to feel so helpless in helping your son, but don't give up because even if you don't feel that what you are doing is helping, it probably is and that will probably become apparent at a later stage.

Spendless

Brewstersmum wrote: »

my door is open to him anytime and he knows this but im damned if I will be at his beck and call. when he does stay here the rules are to be in by 9.30 and up at 7 because I have to go to work. he would much rather stay at his nans where he can lie in, get a lift to school, get ferried around and get new clothes whenever he asks

He's a teen,many aren't keen on 'early mornings'. I'm unsure if you are talking about a school day or not? Presumably if you are, it's because you don't trust him to lock up and get to school on time? Or are you talking about school hols and weekends, and you don't want him in your house alone.

FBaby

I took it as weekdays when to be able to get ready and out in time to travel to school, he would need to be up by 7am, which is not that unusual for most teenagers.

However, with his grandparents, he gets to sleep longer as driven to school.

I am guessing OP doesn't want to encourage is lazy attitude which her parents are doing.

Brewstersmum

Thanks all for your replies, just to clarify a few bits. last time he went to CAHMS they said it was because of his dad. at no point was his dad bought up in the conversation as I was present. he only had an initial interview but declined any counselling they offered. this occurred just after his great granddad died. at no point have I refused to take him to the docs or CAHMs, in fact its been the opposite, I am always the one the initiates it. my car had broke down (head gasket gone) so I asked his granddad to take him on my behalf. as he refused to go and kicked off because I wasn't there, I rang the docs and explained the situation.
I do have a good relationship with my son but I often cant just go out at 10pm to collect him for various reasons. sometimes I simply just cant afford the petrol to drive around the city and when we have arranged advance lifts before he either doesn't turn up or is somewhere else miles away. what I was getting at was he will walk miles and miles to different mates houses or wherever but cant just walk that little bit home.
the early mornings im referring to are between Monday and Friday although I often only work 3 days anyway. I don't trust him in the house alone as he doesn't lock doors. he used to just leave the door unlocked with his house key in the house. when I asked him why he would say well whats the chance of anyone knowing its unlocked? when ive explained hes really not bothered. when I ask him whos going to replace his xbox, tele, ipad, he just says 'you'.
as I say I am eternally grateful to my parents which is why this is even harder to deal with. the problem lies with the fact my son has no consequences to any actions at their house so how are rules and boundaries established? he had rules here and chose not to abide by them. he couldn't abide by the consequences either so chose to leave. his granddad was understandably upset the other day when he went out of his way to fetch my son for his appointment on my request because I was stuck. his granddad asked me what to do about his behaviour as he wont be spoken to like that. when we agreed on what to do, I find out the next day they have done the opposite. i haven't told them i know and don't want to cause anymore issues than we already have to deal with

Brewstersmum

Spendless wrote: »

He's a teen,many aren't keen on 'early mornings'. I'm unsure if you are talking about a school day or not? Presumably if you are, it's because you don't trust him to lock up and get to school on time? Or are you talking about school hols and weekends, and you don't want him in your house alone.

yes when he used to take himself to school, he often didn't arrive choosing to spend the day doing other stuff. the school would contact me at 10am asking where he was and then we would spend most of the day trying to find him

Brewstersmum

Nicki wrote: »

My son is 14 not 16 but I can't imagine if he was diagnosed with bipolar and was in a down swing and wanted me or another adult to go with him to a doctor's appointment that I would refuse or think this unreasonable.

ive always been pro active with his mental health. i had took time from work to take him but my car broke down and its not something that could of been fixed at the side of the road so rather than leave him to go the doctors on his own i asked his granddad to take him instead (with whom he has a good relationship).