grandparents letting teen get away with everything

Blackpool_Saver

Person_one wrote: »

Are you getting any support from the PRU or any of the other agencies involved in how to cope with his behaviour and how best to help him?

THIS.

I got NO support, I also had no family help. We got through it though because I didn't give up and let strangers take my son in, they wanted to and he nearly did, but it was a phase.

Blackpool_Saver

thatgirlsam wrote: »

What's that saying.. 'A child needs your support the most at the times when you least feel like giving it too them'


Or summat like that

Exactly....

Big_Tree

Where's his Father in all of this?

Brewstersmum

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

THIS.

I got NO support, I also had no family help. We got through it though because I didn't give up and let strangers take my son in, they wanted to and he nearly did, but it was a phase.

I wont let strangers take him in but I cant force him to stay with me before he went to his nans he used to run off because I took his ipad off him or refused to buy him new branded clothes etc. now hes 16 hes classed as an absent person not a minor runaway so the police arent bothered. his nan gives him money all the time and buys him new clothes. whilst on one hand she is extremely caring and kind, she cannot see she is killing him with her kindness as he doesn't think he has to earn anything.


we do talk regularly and I spent the other weekend doing leisure activities with my son. we had a great time and it got us close again. he talks openly and tells me exactly whats going on in his life so im not massively concerned about his lifestyle. one of his friends mums seems to have a fair influence over him and I cant say I agree with her parenting style. a lot of teens are in her house smoking (including mine) and drinking (hes not onto drinking ). shes the one who told him he can get a council flat and dole if he tells the social he is depressed.


The PRU are ok. they contact me regularly about his achievements and I do talk frankly with them. as for CAHMS well last time we saw them they said its all because he doesn't see his dad. seems like a lame and easy to come by excuse and I don't think its particularly true.


my door is open to him anytime and he knows this but im damned if I will be at his beck and call. when he does stay here the rules are to be in by 9.30 and up at 7 because I have to go to work. he would much rather stay at his nans where he can lie in, get a lift to school, get ferried around and get new clothes whenever he asks

Mojisola

Brewstersmum wrote: »

my door is open to him anytime and he knows this but im damned if I will be at his beck and call. when he does stay here the rules are to be in by 9.30 and up at 7 because I have to go to work.

he would much rather stay at his nans where he can lie in, get a lift to school, get ferried around and get new clothes whenever he asks

thatgirlsam wrote: »

What's that saying.. 'A child needs your support the most at the times when you least feel like giving it too them'

Support isn't enough - children need boundaries and consequences as well.

Which of these two households do you think is giving him what he needs?

Blackpool_Saver

Brewstersmum wrote: »

im damned if I will be at his beck and call.

Hmmmm, think you need to see a counsellor yourself to be honest. A lot of anger there. Unresolved stuff to do with his Dad maybe? Is this affecting how you treat the boy?

I feel sorry for the lad.

CAMHS are correct about his Dad, of course it will affect him.

You have tried all your life to set a good example BUT peers and their parents are already teaching him bad things. Put yourself out and pick him up and ferry him about, before they become his family.

Brewstersmum

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

Hmmmm, think you need to see a counsellor yourself to be honest. A lot of anger there. Unresolved stuff to do with his Dad maybe? Is this affecting how you treat the boy?

I feel sorry for the lad.

CAMHS are correct about his Dad, of course it will affect him.

You have tried all your life to set a good example BUT peers and their parents are already teaching him bad things. Put yourself out and pick him up and ferry him about, before they become his family.

please don't mistake me saying ill be damned if I'm picking him up for anger towards him. his dad hasn't been around for a long long time and I have no resentment, if anything I feel sorry for him as hes never seen any of his children grow up. hes had countless opportunities but chosen not to. this will affect my son of course but only what he knows, and he doesn't know everything.
I resent him not wanting to walk a mile home and thinking its acceptable to get people out instead. if he wants to go somewhere he will walk for miles! its just really annoying. hes threatened to jump taxis before if no one fetches him. its not like hes got a long way to go! its constant blackmail and manipulation that makes me angry

Blackpool_Saver

Brewstersmum wrote: »

please don't mistake me saying ill be damned if I'm picking him up for anger towards him. his dad hasn't been around for a long long time and I have no resentment, if anything I feel sorry for him as hes never seen any of his children grow up. hes had countless opportunities but chosen not to. this will affect my son of course but only what he knows, and he doesn't know everything.
I resent him not wanting to walk a mile home and thinking its acceptable to get people out instead. if he wants to go somewhere he will walk for miles! its just really annoying. hes threatened to jump taxis before if no one fetches him. its not like hes got a long way to go! its constant blackmail and manipulation that makes me angry

Yeah, I know, I so have been there, their sense of justice at 16 is only their view of what revolves around them. I do hope you understand what I have said though.

PlymouthMaid

Really difficult situation and if he is at a PRU then he is already in bad company as they all tend to egg each other on to bad behaviour. I have seen many lads take the route your son is going down and it is a very hard pattern to break. I think he needs some strong male role models to help him see that he is on the road to nowhere at the moment and that aspiring to a life on the dole is very bad ambition. It is a real shame that you are kind of co-parenting with the grandparents as you cannot be consistent and he will play one party off against the other. Grandparents often make excuses for the behaviour of their much loved grandchildren and that is hard to deal with.

meritaten

While I realise that your son is 'difficult' - there is no way on this earth I would want my 16 year old son wandering the streets late at night. Teenage boys are more likely to be the victims of violence than any other age group.
I think your parents were wise to overrule you and pick him up - simply because it wasn't SAFE for him to be out.
I think you are not picking your battles, so are on a hiding to nothing - this rule that he walks everywhere............he sees you taking the car all the time, but HE has to walk? even at night? when there are adults capable of making sure he gets home safely? he called at 10pm, I would have been amazed if my kids had called before midnight!!!!!!!!!! and I view being a 'taxi service' as being part of being a parent - until they get their own wheels.
Teens have a very black and white view of 'fairness' and I am sure he thinks you treat him unfairly. why not sit down with him and ask how he feels about things? decide which 'rules' can be relaxed if he makes a good case? being inflexible wont endear him to you - not if his grandparents are more reasonable.